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August 2014
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October 2014

September 2014


Phillip is making me dinner tonight. Phillip! is making dinner! It's 8pm and the kids are in bed which is how this can possibly happen, but YAY and ALSO! Let's look at what else is on my wishlist! 

The Lorac Mega Pro Palette


Swoon. I forget when I bought the Urban Decay Naked 3 palette (earlier this year I guess). I was ashamed to spend that much money on MAKEUP, but YOU GUYS, I will never buy drug store eyeshadow again. For serious. And since eyeshadow is really the only kind of makeup I like to play with, and cool purples and golds are made for ME, I think I need this Lorac palette. @temerityjane, Queen of What To Buy At Sephora, highly recommends and yeah, I just think this should be mine. I am happy to work with one blush, two mascaras, a handful of drugstore lipglosses I almost never wear, a few different shades of foundation, and my trusty Maybelline dark circle concealer, but I NEEEEEEED nine dozen flavors of eyeshadow, yes? 


Rain Boots


I've lived in Seattle how long? but only bought my first pair of rain boots last year. And guess what. They don't fit around my calves. I ordered them with points from Amazon and I was too embarrassed to send them back and maybe I would lose a few pounds and WHATEVER. I need rain boots that don't cut off my circulation when I stuff my legs into them and dash to school pick up. These LOOK like they'd be forgiving for the wider-calved ladies, but looks are deceiving and also they are seventy dollars NO. But cute! 


New Countertops


I know I should just be happy I have a house with a functional kitchen and it IS functional and it WORKS and except for the doll-sized oven all its issues are cosmentic but I HAAAAAAATE the tile countertops. Hate hate hate. I didn't hate them until I began to use the kitchen and who in the WORLD thought a countertop with a million little grooves in it was a good idea?! OR the oak trim at the edge and the oak trim "backsplash"? I'm not a germaphobe at all and I'm seriously grossed out thinking about how many years of crud have built up in the teeny gaps and grout lines. UGH. My kingdom for a solid slab of SOMETHING with an undermount sink. The above would do quite nicely. In fact that whole design and look would fit my house perfectly. Now to harvest my money garden! 

A New Winter Coat


I love this coat. I stared it a good long time when Garnet Hill was doing 25% off women's fashion. I LURVE IT. But... not really sure how this would look on someone with boobs and no waist and ill-fitting rain boots. So I let it go - SIGH - but I actually really do need a winter coat. Last year when I was so angry and upset with myself for gaining weight, the only coats that fit me were the two puffer jackets my FIL of all people had brought home from two different trips to China. One was a knock off Prada! FAWNCY!And I wore the HECK out of those coats (the biggest size, because I am much bigger than Chinese ladies remember), so much so that I broke the zipper on the one I liked best and I can't wear it anymore. I NEED a new coat. And I am maybe five pounds under what I was last year, but! I am not (as) angry and upset and I FREAKING NEED A NEW COAT SO FIND ME ONE, INTERNET!

All right, I could go on, but dinner (rice noodles! YUM!) awaits. What would YOU like to spend your imaginary money garden money on?!

In which I fix my daughter a gimlet

Emma is going to be Anna for Halloween. DUH

Jackson, after going around and around all the costumes at Target (because they were 40% off on that Cartwheel app for one day and DARN IT I WAS GOING TO DO SOMETHING AHEAD OF TIME), decided on a bow and arrow. Actually he decided on a bow and arrow and a super ugly Skylanders costume, but his mean horrible mother said he couldn't have both. It's not like they WENT together or something. So he whined and pouted and eventually picked the bow and arrow. I am ashamed to tell you how long it was before I thought of Robin Hood. But whatever, Jack is going to be Robin Hood and my mother is going to make his costume THIS WORKED OUT GREAT FOR ME. 

Molly was going to be Elsa. DUH. Nai Nai and Ye Ye bought the girls Anna and Elsa costumes sometime this summer (to go with the other Anna and Elsa dresses) but at the time the kids were sort of off Frozen and I stuffed the dresses in the back of the closet and no one remembered them. Until I decided that they would be Anna and Elsa for Halloween since that would work out great for me. And I bought Molly a blond wig at Target to make her feel like she was also getting something exciting and new out of this deal. 

UNFORTUNATELY she caught sight of the ARIEL DRESS. 

Now. What is the deal with Ariel? Why do my girls like ARIEL? I don't get it. It was also the skimpiest costume, which wasn't really a modesty problem so much as a "you're going to freeze your bottom off on October 31 in Seattle if we don't throw a giant coat over that costume, thereby negating the costume part of Halloween" problem. And I wouldn't buy it. I AM A MEAN AND HORRIBLE MOTHER. 

Whine whine whine. She forgot about it. Or resigned herself to Elsa and the blond wig. Molly is pretty good at resigning herself to things. She and Emma often sleep in the same bed now that they share a room (Emma sleeps in the full bottom bunk, Molly gets the twin bunk on top) because Emma loooooooves Molly and wants to be near her every second of the day. Phillip went down to check on them last night and saw Emma rolling around, thumping her head around, basically being obnoxious and Phillip hissed, "Emma! Stop doing that! You're going to wake up Molly!" And Molly moans, from underneath her sister, "I'm not sleeping." We're always like, "Molly! You don't HAVE to do everything Emma wants you to do!" But she does anyway. Because she is resigned. Is this Middle Child Syndrome? 

Anyway. Fast forward to the weekend and we're at Grandma's house talking about costumes. I say Molly is going to be Elsa with a blond wig. Molly says, "But I WANTED to be Ariel." And I say, "But ARIEL has a STUPID DRESS." And then there was a great This Is What It Might Be Like When She's Fifteen Standoff. But then I decide to be generous and start thinking of other things she could possibly be. A farmer. A baker. Queen Lucy from Narnia. A MOM. Ooooh, said Molly. I want to be a MOM. 

This was... unexpected. But we went with it! I told her she could push one of the toy strollers with a baby doll inside. And if she was going to be a TRUE Seattle mom she needed to wear yoga pants and a cute ponytail and chat on her cell phone - I was going big on this whole local mom thing. But then, and I want to say out of nowhere but possibly this was my mother's suggestion, Molly says she wants to wear HEELS. And the thing is, one of my mom's friends always gives us her granddaughter's old clothes and the last bag of stuff contained LITTLE GIRL HIGH HEELED SHOES. Which: No. No no noooooo. I let Molly keep them, because she saw them before I could get rid of them, but they're with the dress up stuff. Not the actual stuff-we-wear stuff. And because I did not want to buy a stupid ARIEL dress, I said FINE. WEAR THE HEELS. 

But then. Oh you guys. It all got very exciting. We started talking heels and then some kind of grown up lady dress and makeup and painted nails and before you know it I've decided my six-year-old daughter is going to be Betty Draper for Halloween. Pushing a stroller in one hand and smoking a cigarette with the other. I cannot decide if this is twisted or the best Halloween costume EVER. So! Anyone know where I can get a size 6X retro dress with apron and crinoline?! 

I am going to be... well, I'm actually pretty bummed I didn't buy that godawful sky blue prom dress at Norstrom Rack that one time because *I* could be Elsa. 

Keep on keeping on

Yesterday was rough. The day before that was rough. Today is rough. I THINK things are getting better? On the whole? But yesterday and today instead of getting on the stupid treadmill (and just WALKING FTLOG) I crawled into my bed and slept. I just wanted to escape. Naps don't make me FEEL better. I feel terrible, all groggy and out of sorts when I wake up. But I can disappear for that half hour or hour... 

We are trying to figure out our trip to Italy and perhaps other parts European this May and June. Phillip is working things out with his job and I won't really know what our options are until November, but every time I scout plane fare, each ticket is as much as our mortgage payment. All my Alaska miles (and the $750 in vouchers I received from that disaster trip to Colorado) are not going to help me on an international flight booked through Alaska mileage plan partners. So I'm feeling stupid about trying to go that route in the first place and just defeated in general. We will make it work (I am nothing if not a We Will Make It Work kinda person), but [shakes fist at].

I haven't seen my friends in forever. I miss Liz. I take kids to school. I go to Target. I have conversations with my sister about bakery work. I watch a lot of cable news. I fold laundry (sometimes). I clean up the kitchen (sometimes). I think about planning a date with Phillip or meeting friends for happy hour and then I worry that doing something out of the ordinary in the evening will mess with how I get ready to go to sleep, a very important part of Anxiety Management. And then I get mad about that. 

I've been on this weird tear to BUY stuff. I keep going to my usual clothing store websites, piling things in carts, being shocked by the total, not entering my credit card info, moseying over to another site. I've bought a few oversized sweaters at TJ Maxx. I bought Emma a whole bunch of cute stuff at Old Navy yesterday. Navy sweater with white stripes and red heart-shaped elbow patches SWOON. But the hole I am attempting to fill is not filled. Maybe if I splurge on a gorgeous pair of boots? But boots never fit around my wide [AVERAGE SIZED, FTLOG] calves and whenever I wear them I look in the mirror and suspect tall boots aren't the best look on my stubby legs anyway. So maybe not. 

The best part of my day is reading books to my kids before they go to bed. I KNOW. Phillip used to do all of that. I used to get away with not doing bedtime at ALL. Then we had Emma and I would usually put Emma to bed (easier/quicker) than putting big kids to bed. But this summer it started to be the time that I would sort of "make up for" being a distant crappy mom during the daytime [read: anxious] and for whatever reason it was calming and comforting to be with them. Just in general my kids have been a huge consolation to me during this latest episode. But I've read two Narnia books to them, that they really loved (me: ugh) and Jack and I tore through a Jack-appropriate book on the Revolutionary War the last two nights and I just feel like YEAH! I love reading, even though I haven't done much of it lately (everything I read stresses me out somehow and I don't need more of that) and my kids haven't been super excited about reading, but we finally found a book they WANTED to keep reading and it made me SO EXCITED. And Jack wanting to keep reading about Paul Revere and George Washington: YES. Weird, maybe, but these times at night and the looking for books they'd like has been a balm to my soul the last couple of months. 

Usually I'm pretty upbeat, Internet, but tonight I just want to cry it out. God I'm tired. 

Three months later...

Even though today is turning out to be not that awesome, in the last week and a half I've had more good days than bad, and yesterday was practically normal. We were driving somewhere yesterday and I realized that I had not been "managing" myself all morning and I was suddenly heartened and exhausted. I told Phillip that feeling better somehow made me tired, like now I had time or energy to realize how hard I've been working and now I have the time and energy to feel the fatigue. Early last week, when I was exhausted from bakery stuff and irritated with my kids, was when I realized I was feeling better - I had the time and energy to have awareness of a feeling that wasn't anxiety. 

I'm at the full dose of my new medication now (it's been about a month) and I am EXTREMELY SUPER HOPEFUL that I continue to feel better and more normal. I am fighting the voice in my head that says having to try another SSRI - my third - is a failure of some sort, that the naturopathic route did not work, that I maybe "made" this happen. My new Professional Talking About Things person is helpful on that front, pointing out that all the "anxiety roads" are well worn in my brain, and going down them doesn't mean that I've failed or fell prey to something I know to stay away from, only that those roads are THERE and it makes SENSE that I would go down them and maybe I can just say to myself, "Self? You are going down a Road. Let's go back." 

I think I've missed writing here, although the longer I stay away, the more I wonder what to say! Emma turns THREE tomorrow, which is horrifying (and amazing - we are, like, full on potty training and it's going well and we're entering this world where we don't have babies and baby schedules and baby stuff - also horrifying and amazing). Molly is having a rockstar kickoff to first grade. Jack is doing well, but also saying he's bored all the time and I'm conflicted about how much of it is Jack being a twerp and how much of it is me needing to have a chat with his teacher to find out more (ugh, that feels potentially icky.) Everyone is all settled in their new rooms and I am wandering around in the evenings constantly remembering that all the kids are on a different floor and I can holler at my husband on his fourth Daily Show in the living room. 

The bakery continues to be nutballs. Last week was cookie box week and then suddenly 12 dozen macarons by Friday morning AND 250 cookies next day for BIL's catering company who didn't order enough from their usual supplier. So it was a PROFITABLE week, if not particularly conducive to mental health. I just got a call from a lady who wants a two tier jungle-theme cake for a baby shower and I had to pull a price out of the air because WE ARE NEW and I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU PRICE ANYTHING and I had to call Katie in a panic to ask if I'd just promised a cake for basically free. (I did not.) And it was only after all of that that I realized it was an order from a stranger and YOU GUYS we now get orders from STRANGERS. We continue to not do things the Right Way, by which I mean the Smart Savvy Business Owner Way, but we continue to CONTINUE. I know at some point that won't be good enough, but HEY, the other day I got a letter in the mail reminding me it's time to renew my business license. WHAT THE WHAT! It's been that long already?!

Anyway, that is all what has been Up around here. I want to feel better and then I want to sleep for about a week, although I'm told there is no sleep during the autumn season when you own a bakery, SO. But I think I might get the 'feel better' part, so things are looking good. At some point we will need to discuss the Blond and where I am going with this whole look, but I'll have pity on you, Poor Reader, and save that for another post. 

In which the bakery requires clonazepam


Things are getting better. Thank you for thinking good thoughts about me, because I've needed them. And I still need them, but things are getting better. I'm not going to say more about that because many years of internetting have taught me that declaring something online means the opposite will be true the next day. SO. 

I actually tried to write something here the other day, but then I accidentally yanked out my power cord. And ever since I doused my laptop with a giant glass of water in July, the battery no longer works and if my computer isn't plugged in, it's dead. As soon as the power cord disconnected, my [boring] [pointless] blog post went kaput. I took this as A Sign. 

But whatever, the kids are in bed and I have wine and Phillip is making a mental health run to Costco (do YOUR husbands need retail therapy like mine?). And also I've been sitting here clicking refresh refresh refresh because Thumbprints just received and confirmed and invoiced our first wedding order in the last two hours - a bride called and ordered 12 dozen macarons for Saturday. THIS SATURDAY. Poor Katie. We pushed back the cookie boxes a week (sorry) because we were busy this weekend, and now this week we're doing cookie boxes AND 12 dozen macarons. And I should say KATIE is doing those. I am... sending emails. Poor Katie. Did I already say that? 

On one hand: SUPER BIG FAT FIST BUMP because DUDE! Our first wedding! It's not a HUGE order, by which I mean we are just delivering 12 dozen macarons, not boxing them up for favors or setting them out on a buffet table. But still. It's our third in a row of Orders From Total Strangers and that makes a new business owner feel pretty darn good. I don't know if I told you about the event we did with the catering company? I have a friend who's an event planner at a catering company and they do vendor open houses once a month. So we got in for September (along with a DJ and a photographer and an invitation-maker) and got some serious interest and great feedback. That was a bad week for me, so I was glad to stay home with Temperamental Niece while Katie did all the work. But a lot of times Katie isn't around to get the feedback so this was fun for her! (At least, this is what I told myself while I sat at home watching TV.) 

On the other hand: OMG SO MANY COOKIES. I mean, this is good! Very good! Go us! But whoa, there are only two of us, and only one of those two knows how to make macarons. (Or anything else, really. I am in charge of red wine brownies. Everything else I make may TASTE okay, but looks like garbage.) I am also sitting here thinking about how busy we were at Christmas last year, when we were NOT official and had NO website and NO customers and NOTHING and... well, I guess it's good that I still have a mostly-full bottle of horse tranquilizers, yes? Enough to share with Katie, even. 

I REEEEEEEEEALLY want this to be REAL. You know?! Like a THING! A real THING! A BUSINESS! And at the same time I am all... how? HOW? 

I guess we just keep going. And then at some point I write a business plan. My excuse up to now has been, "But we don't even know what we want to do! We are EXPERIMENTING!" Eh. (This website is not responsible for inspiring YOU to leap ahead without a business plan. We exempt ourselves from any inspiration that is not Responsible and Sensible.)

Anyway. I miss you, Internet, and I feel like I have a lot to say, but it's only bakery stuff that's coming out. Hope that's ok for now. 


What's been up

SO YEAH. Lots and lots has been happening over here - nothing especially blogworthy, but that's never really kept me from writing it all out before. Basically I am Beyond Anxious and 99% of my energy goes towards Keeping On Keeping On. Writing about it hasn't felt like something that would help, so I haven't. It just sucks and it still sucks and it's never going to stop sucking, except if I think that way then it quickly spirals into All Is Lost territory and that's just the worst. Keeping On Keeping On is all about steering clear of that mindset. 

I am doing all the right things. I have started a new medication, which actually might be the problem, you know, that pesky "oh, at first you might get MORE anxious!" side effect. I am seeing a Professional Talking About Things person. I have all the right people checking in on me, offering to bring dinner, coming over at a moment's notice, OFFERING TO VISIT ME OVER THE WEEKEND FROM A DIFFERENT CITY YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. If I wasn't absolutely determined not to get into a shaky emotional state, I might sob over the amazing friends and family who are taking care of me and making sure I don't fall over. 

But I can't do that because I have to do laundry and make lunches in the morning and we have a pretty big bakery thing going on tomorrow - a vendor open house at a catering company! I made sample party favor boxes! Katie is making cake bites with PASSIONFRUIT CURD OMG - and you know, STUFF TO DO! People to take care of! I can't go around breathing into paper bags every ten seconds! 

It was a particularly nasty weekend, in spite of it being our annual couples' weekend. Or maybe I should say, "Thank God it was our couples' weekend" because my friends rallied around me in a way I haven't needed... ever. Really. One emergency horse tranquilizer prescription later and I'm cautiously hopeful. I mean, it's always gotten better before, it has to get better this time too. Right? 

Think good thoughts for Phillip, who is having a stressful time at work and doesn't need the Crazy Wife on top of it all. Think good thoughts for my kids, who don't seem to realize how much I neglected them this summer. Think good thoughts for me, that this mess works itself out soon. I feel like I can't keep this up much longer. Except, I mean, I can. I have before. 

At some point I will show you pictures of my daughters' absofreakinglutely adorable new room. Hopefully soon.