Ugh, today was a hard day. I had to hold the baby all day, which is exhausting. And my back is starting to feel tingly all the time. Like my muscles are about to freeze up or something. It's like this everpresent reminder that I am 1) getting old and 2) could be laid out flat at any moment, and I haven't taught Jack how to call 911. Gak.
Actually, Emma didn't really wake up until noon. She got her shots yesterday morning and slept all that day, all night, and all morning. I should be grateful for that little side effect, right? But I'm really only focusing on my back pain right now, sorry. Am eighty-three years old.
Molly didn't want to go to preschool (shocker) so I called and said she wouldn't be coming in today and oh, by the way, not ever. I was totally fine with it. I AM totally fine. But the phone call tonight from the preschool director made me feel rotten. Mainly because it was clear - or she's a great actress - that SHE felt rotten. I believe the precise term was, "I am SO SORRY we couldn't meet Molly's NEEDS!" She went on and on about her sensitive, introverted daughter who has a hard time in groups and maybe Molly would like to try out the Twos class where a lot of the kids are just turning three and only meet once a week and there are only TEN kids, and I could still go to MOPS, if I wanted, and there's the Living Nativity this weekend and they'd love for me to stick around...
OH GAWWWWD. I just... how did she know that that is JUST the way to upset me? Seriously, I am tearing up as I write this because I just feel like it all went kablooey or something, and I got myself involved with a CHURCH preschool that is SUPER DUPER into outreach and taking care of its people and... I don't know. I totally know the other side of this fence, right? I have BEEN the other side of this fence. And I just didn't want to say, "Actually, I HAVE a community, I HAVE people watching out for me, I have the INTERNET, I really AM okay, and no I am probably not going to go to MOPS (EVERRRRR)..." Why did I feel like I was letting this lady down? Why did I feel like I had to make HER feel better? This is SO STUPID! I have to keep telling myself: I cannot do all the things. I cannot know all the people. I WILL HAVE TO TERMINATE BARELY BEGUN RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE WHO PROBABLY BARELY REMEMBER MY NAME.
So painful. And yes, I know, could I GET any more melodramatic? NO, I COULD NOT. But it's not like you come here for plain ole rational thinking, now, right?
Okay, so then I'm sitting on the couch feeding the baby, as I do, and Mulling over the phone call. I realize that at some point in the phone call the preschool director said, "Like I said in my message"... and it occurred to me that I had never listened to her message.
Then I realized my mother said the same thing to me about leaving a message. But I didn't hear hers.
Gee, I hadn't had a voicemail in a REALLY LONG TIME! HUH!
THEN I thought about how ever since Phillip updated my phone to the new operating system I've been getting this SUPER annoying pop up asking me for my voicemail password. Which I ignore, because, COME ON, MY PHONE. Totally one of those things that drives Phillip crazy, by the way. My inattention to technological detail.
But what if that was preventing me from getting voicemail? And making it so my phone would not NOTIFY me when I had voicemail! HUH!
Phillip grumbled his way through setting up my password thingie and it turns out I had TWENTY-ONE voicemails OMG. I hadn't listened to messages since OCTOBER. (This is how much I do not like talking on the phone, I suppose, that I never called back and/or was curious about my missed calls.)
I am MORTIFIED. I feel so terrible. Nothing really fell through the cracks, probably because everyone knows I am useless with the phone and emailed me too, but STILL. The worst part is that there was a message from my boss from my college job, who I love, who called just to say he was thinking of me and wondering how we were all doing and I NEVER CALLED HIM BACK! I sent him the most apologetic email in the entire world. What is wrong with me?!
BLARGH! Now we are discussing The Family Vacation, which does not seem to be going well. And Emma won't sleep unless we're holding her OR vigorously rocking her bouncy chair with our poor worn out toes and why am I not in bed?
I think I will go crawl into bed with my book and start over tomorrow.