All right. I'm officially disgusted with myself. It only took about two months to admit it, but seriously, I cannot sustain a diet of sugar, sugar and more sugar. I mean, I CAN, but I WON'T. Do you hear me, Christmas cookies in my freezer?!
It started in October. The week I decided to launch Phase One of the South Beach Diet was the week I got anxious. COINCIDENCE? But I kept it up for about a week and a half. I got down to my happy Hot By Thirty weight, which was only a few pounds, but a huge psychological victory. Yay me!
But the anxiety didn't go away, and when I hit my self-imposed time limit for Dealing On My Own, I started to Cope. And in my world, that means sugar. Cookies, bread, granola bars, chocolate, anything in batter form. And I haven't been able to stop. I haven't wanted to write about it, because, well: EMBARRASSING. But honestly, I haven't been able to stop. I made fudge a few days ago and I'm pretty sure I've eaten at least half the pan. That I stored in the freezer. FOR MY CHRISTMAS PARTY. I've eaten at least two pints of ice cream in the last couple weeks, when I'm used to thinking of ice cream as a far off distant memory. The week Phillip was gone I made cookies for the sole purpose of eating the dough. I am having to arrange my own intervention, you guys.
Everyone says it's the time of year, but this is the time of year I've lost large amounts of weight. The time I lost twenty-five pounds before I had Jack, I started in October. Fall is the time I kicked myself into weight loss gear after having Jack. And Molly was born in September and I lost that baby weight by the end of February. I believe I can get through this time of year without bloating up into a Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon. I KNOW I have Will Power of Steel. SO WHERE IS IT?
Probably somewhere with Motivation, I think. Every time I open the freezer to dig out another piece of fudge, I sort of hate myself, but I also sort of don't care. I feel pudgier, but my clothes still fit. It's sweater season. Eh. I can work it off later. It tastes sooooo goooood.
Sometimes I'm eating my feelings, sometimes I'm just bored, sometimes it's just the plain and simple fact that I do not have an OFF button when faced with a giant bowl of chocolate candy. My clothes still fit, but not for much longer. And I've worked too hard to let this get away from me. Thin tastes better than chocolate!
(Okay, sometimes Thin cannot compete, but you know what I mean.)
I was talking to the FPC about what food to make for the party and I realized, for the first time, and we've been throwing Christmas parties since we got married, that I am pretty much the only one who eats nothing but sweet stuff at parties. Until last year, when the FPC got married during Christmastime, I always made something like 10 kinds of Christmas cookies. Cookies are the one produced-in-the-kitchen item I tend to not screw up, they look kind of awesome, and I could eat them all day long. But as I was telling the FPC, OTHER people tend to eat the real food, things that do not tempt me at all. Well, I'm using "real" loosely here, because the real food amounts to a lot of fried or cheesy appetizers and dips, but I'm the only one heaping her plate with CAKE.
When I go out for Happy Hour with my friends, they order calamari and prawns and other things I'm only mildly interested in, because honestly I just want to order off the dessert menu. I roll my eyes when people complain about a chocolate dessert being too rich - I've only had one chocolate item defeat me in the Richness category, and I can tell you when and where and what it was. It's never too cold for ice cream. And if there's cake around, that's probably what I'll eat for breakfast, lunch AND dinner.
There was a time where it was a Big Deal to eat a little bit of ice cream. A Big Deal to have a few cookies or order pasta in a restaurant. I've totally lost that mindset, and I'm not even exercising to try to make up for it. I've been running in my garage, but the treadmill is a lot easier than running outside, and because of our wonky schedules, I don't always get to use it. I suppose I should tell you that Jillian and I haven't spoken in months. OH THE GUILT.
But it's the eating thing that needs my attention. Exercise is good, but it's best if I think about exercise from the mental health side of things. It helps with weight loss, sure, but I've done it without exercising at all. And exercise won't help me learn to stop filching fudge from the freezer every half hour.
This is why a low carb diet works for me, because it totally cuts out the stuff I overindulge in. And since I have no OFF button, I have to just quit it completely. This is why I need to get back to it, before I end up in a diabetic coma by the weekend. I just need to dig a little deeper in the motivation pit - dressing up for holiday parties? possibly going somewhere warm with my husband after Christmas? I need someone to invite me to a January wedding or something. Gah.
I may or may not use this blog for accountability purposes. WE SHALL SEE.