I've been having a hard time with Jack since we got home from the trip. I wrote about most of it for Parenting so I won't say too much here. Other than just telling you: I'm having a hard time. I know it's because things are getting back to normal and he's adjusting to a world without a bell he can ring for Grandma, but it's still hard. It's not always hard with Jack, I wouldn't say we have discipline issues or anything like that, but when we DO (and maybe beCAUSE they're infrequent) I feel panicky. I feel so insecure in this part of parenting.
I've been feeling anxious too, although whether it's related to hormones or Jack acting out or the fact that every single one of my weekends is booked until Phillip starts grad school (NO LIE) I have no idea. I felt it the first time after I bought our plane tickets to LA, so then I have an extra bit of anxiety about whether I shouldn't have done that. But I won't go too far into the wacked out details of my irrational neuroses.
Jack is still asleep, so I have high hopes for a better day. He is definitely one of those kids who needs sleep. Molly is sitting next to me in her high chair eating chunks of scrambled egg. It occurs to me that I've been giving her scrambled eggs for months now, whites included. Jack reacted to eggs for a long time - little red dots around his mouth - so when I gave Molly eggs months ago I knew what to look for. Nothing happened. So then I figured nothing would happen if I gave her peanut butter (Jack isn't allergic) and now when I make lunch I make one peanut butter and jelly sandwich and they split it. I guess this could show that I am loosy goosy with the second kid's life or something, but actually I think it shows that I'm more comfortable and not as tied to The Rules. Which I think is a good thing. Sometimes I allow it to make me feel better about feeling so ineffective and pointless in the discipline department.
After weeks of freakish heat (and more in Vegas) we've descended into what appears to be October. It's cold and raining and I haven't taken Vitamin D all summer and maybe that's why I'm feeling a little anxious.
We are Couples Retreating this weekend. I know I've talked about it before - we get together with some friends and share (gag) about our year. Blah blah blah. One of those things that sounds totally dorky when you try to describe it to other people, but is actually The Awesome when you are participating. Usually I am doing the Neurotic thing, going over and over my year in my brain, trying to pick out what I'm going to say and what I'm going to emphasize and what was hard and what was joyful. But this year I've barely thought about it. I think that's what happens when your year was probably the best you've ever had. Especially when you're used to struggling with months of anxiety - you hardly know what to say about a winter in which you experienced none. Maybe I'll just sit there and weep for the amazingness of it. I don't know. I don't want to downplay it, you know? It's amazing. IT IS.
The anxiety I'm feeling now is nothing. I can tell what's bad and what isn't. I think this will probably pass in a few days. I can't tie it to anything in particular, which is usually a good sign that it's just a physical thing, something went the wrong way in my brain. I hope.
I wonder if it's also grad school stuff. That first tuition bill freaked me right out. We've been making it so far on this one salary gig, and somehow we are managing to save a few bucks every month (emphasis on "few bucks" and also I HAVE NO IDEA HOW WE ARE DOING THAT) and now grad school threatens my tenuous grip on finances. Maybe that's why I felt anxious after I paid for plane tickets.
Do you see how much thinking I have to do just to figure my OWN SELF OUT?
Someone once told me that I am so clueless about my own feelings that I should be THANKFUL I have anxiety. At least I have a BAROMETER.
This probably isn't the place to say how much I would like to hire a biweekly housecleaner come grad school time.
Okay, Jack's awake. Later gators.