The look I'm going for lately is HAGGARD
I have a very simple goal as a mom, at least this stage of being a mom, and that is Do Not Be Angry All The Time. You'd think this wouldn't be too hard to achieve, what with my having perfectly delightful children, the fact that I just got home from a weekend in pure sunshine, and also the fact that I am not a particularly angry person. I mean, unless you are my husband with a penchant for leaving socks in my living room, it takes a lot to get me angry. The screamy, foot-stampy, ragey angry.
But where I am not particularly angry, I am decidedly and terribly selfish, and what I'm mainly selfish about is my time. I got things to do, Internet, and God help the preschoolers who get in my way.
Emma... Emma is a baby, and therefore gets a pass. Sort of. I mean, I get angry at her too, but I'm grown up enough to realize that it is not EMMA'S fault she is a baby and cannot get her own pacifier. But I regret to say that I am rarely grown up enough around the older kids. The older kids who waltzed into my room at 6:30 this morning and, when I informed them they were not to come upstairs before 7 and to go play in their room until breakfast was ready, did indeed go back downstairs, but only to whine me to death over the monitor.
(I went and took a shower to avoid the whining. But when Jack realized I was avoiding him, he took it upon himself to march into the bathroom and inform me that "Molly poked my eye" and it was a fleet of ANGELS that prevented his mother from dropkicking him out of the bathroom and into the nearest lake.)
In my defense, a lot of this is their fault. For some reason lately they are whinier than usual - and this started before I went on my trip, so you can't say they're punishing me for having a good time this weekend. And they whine about EVERYTHING. Snacks, their clothes, their toys, quiet time, dinner, lunch, breakfast, wanting to see friends, wanting to see Grandma, and I would add 'wanting to go outside' in there except yesterday, which was very nice out, I suggested they play outside and Jack said, "No, the sun will hurt my eyes."
They're also mean and nasty to each other, stealing toys, bursting into manipulative tears, chasing, playing keep away, and, in Molly's case, smacking her brother about the head on numerous occasions. I remember fighting with my own brother and I ACUTELY remember my own parents not caring AT ALL who did what first, so I feel like I should treat my own children with the respect my parents could not afford me - HAR HAR HAR, sorry, I couldn't finish that sentence without LAUGHING. The fact of the matter is that I do not care who did what first, you still have to clean up the @#$(%@& Tinker Toys. AND DO IT NOW!
There is also a particular someone still wetting her pants, often when she is in trouble, and I wish I had more sympathy for that. I really really REALLY wish I had more sympathy for that. But the "tired of cleaning it up" pretty much outweighs everything else and it is getting OLD.
I don't condemn myself for the occasional (okay, frequent) yell about cleaning up and eat your food and put on your clothes, FTLOG! But lately I am crossing a line. Not just with yelling, more like a temperament thing. I feel like more often I am gratuitously yelling and flailing and lecturing and gesticulating, not because it's productive but because it FEELS GOOD. I am mad about something and they are the nearest targets.
I struggle SO MUCH with wanting to do other things besides Be A Parent. I want to write blog posts - I want to WRITE. I want to work on the Blathering website so that 1) I am not embarrassed to put my name on it when it goes live and 2) because it's something REAL and UN-MESS-UP-ABLE by my children! I want to paint my cabinet and decorate my bedroom and sometimes I even want to clean! I want to pay bills and cook dinner in peace and yeah, I want to surf Pinterest without some small person in my ear telling me his sister won't give him the flashlight. I mean, I am already NOT SLEEPING and FIXING YOU FOOD and WIPING YOUR BUTTS and MEDIATING YOUR STUPID LITTLE ARGUMENTS ALL THE LIVELONG DAY. Give me my Pinterest!
Clearly I was not cut out for this motherhood gig.
It's not that I think I should suffer all of this in peace, or break up fights with a smile on my face, or get my value out of the glorious meals I cook and crafts I do with the kids. I just sort of think I could maybe NOT be so pissed off about it all the time. I mean, sometimes I'm not! But right now is not one of those times. Right now I am looking for jobs on Craigslist and thinking about grad school - not to get away from the kids or away from my life; I think I'm doing it because I don't want JUST THIS to be my life.
Does that make sense?
Does it also make sense that I WANT this to be my life right now? And that I'm so GRATEFUL this is my life? Or does that, combined with the rest of this post, make me sound Crazy as well as Mad?
I need to get a pair of people ready for preschool and (gulp) the Preschool Playdate. I have to get Emma up and fed. I have to clean up the kitchen. I have to get the preschool snack ready and find the backpack and also my keys and if my reward for confessing all these sins to the Internet is that I get to do these things WITHOUT anyone whining at me for anything, I will consider it all worthwhile.
