So all that "I might be having the baby TOMORROW" talk I was doing a few days ago? Ha ha. FALSE ALARM. Wasn't that fun? My doctor so wanted to entertain you AND me! But yesterday, after acknowledging that my SMALL BABY kicked butt on his three non-stress tests and showed marked improvement on his fourth ultrasound, my doctor agreed that we could take things down a notch and return to our regularly scheduled programming.
I suppose I'm thankful for the blog fodder (yes, I do know how deathly boring it's been around here) but I'm glad things are (sort of) back to normal. I've got bunches of stuff to do and I'm quite content to float around in Having To Give Birth Eventually Denial.
Anyway, today I've decided that I will tell you everything I've learned while being pregnant. You're welcome.
First of all, I do not see how anyone survives pregnancy without a Bella Band. For the first half of pregnancy, your old pants are too small and your maternity pants are too big. For the second half, even your maternity pants start to slide down and your shirts stop covering up the rubber band trick you are still getting away with because you dug your fat pants out of the spare closet. The bella band solves ALL of these problems. The bella band is how I got away with owning only three pairs of work-appropriate maternity pants for nearly nine months. It is how I got away with owning only one pair of maternity jeans (from Target!) for nearly nine months. Of course, it also helps if you were once two sizes larger and had the foresight to keep those old clothes, because some of them will still fit you (albeit with the rubber band trick) when you are two weeks from your due date. The bella band may cost an awful lot for a simple piece of spandex, but I should have bought one in every color, and impostors, like the "tummy sleeve" thing from the evil maternity clothes store, are poor substitutes. Invest in a bella band!
Pregnancy books are full of lies. Do not read them. You WILL be the girl who does not start throwing up until her second trimester, when the pregnancy books unanimously agree that you should be feeling better. They will tell you your baby should weigh this much by this week, but you WILL be the girl with the SMALL BABY. They will freak you out about a hundred things that won't end up happening to you, and willfully ignore the handful of things that DO happen to you. They will say, "This isn't to scare you, BUT" and then proceed to frighten the crap out of you anyway. When someone gives you a pregnancy book, smile politely and promptly put the book in the freezer. You don't need it.
When you are curious about something pregnancy- or baby-related, go read Ask Moxie. In fact, if you are pregnant and are unfamiliar with blogs, get thee to the nearest DSL connection. You poor dear.
You CAN wait until you are three months along to tell your work, but I recommend telling them early. They will be very excited and will no longer require you to lift anything heavy or to get to work on time or to stay as long as you're supposed to. They will not wonder why you have a giant stash of Hershey kisses in your desk drawer and if you forgot to put something in the mail, someone else will chase the mail carrier down the street.
Start clearing out the spare closet or some dresser drawers to house the forty-seven outfits your mother will begin sending you each week. Even if your mother does not live halfway across the world like mine, chances are she is spending more of her free time in the baby clothes section and you are going to need room. Sometimes you will wander through the baby clothes section yourself and you will see something cute, but don't bother buying it. Your mother has already put it in the box and you'll get it next week.
Your mother is also much more interested in what you are doing and your general wellbeing than she has ever been before. Sure she was interested in what you were studying in school and who your friends were and yes, she was very interested to meet that boy you were dating. She was even very interested in participating in your wedding, even though you were a psychotic Martha Stewarty version of yourself and control freaking all over the place. But now you are having a baby and this means your mother is desperately interested in everything from your latest doctor appointment to your stock of maternity clothes to what time you go to sleep at night to what they've done with cloth diapers in the last twenty-five years. You will even come home from work one day and listen to your phone messages and realize your mother was awake at four-thirty in the morning when she called you just to see how you were doing.
Now that I'm thinking about it, it really does pay to lose some weight before you get pregnant. Because now that you are just sort of fat instead of really fat, you have a whole bunch of stuff to fall back on. The fat pants, of course, but also the wedding ring you stopped wearing because it got too loose and you never had it resized. You won't get any stretch marks because, hey, your body has already been this size before. And after you have the baby (and this is pure conjecture on my part, but let me have my conjectures) you know that you lost weight before, you can do it again. (This is me thinking positive. Positive!)
You can go pee in the cup at the doctor's office before the nurse calls you back to the exam room and gives you explicit permission. It's okay. No one will yell at you.
Practice giving the stinkeye and being cold and standoffish, because this will greatly reduce the number of people who want to pat your belly and give you childbirth advice. It also helps if you are having a SMALL BABY because people think they have plenty of time to bother you and may put off their nosy questions until the last week or two.
Try to remember that you are growing a human being inside of you and it is okay to crash on the couch after work and sleep until it's time to go to bed instead of making chocolate chip cookies for your coworkers and making dinner for your husband and weeding your awful looking yard and folding the laundry and calling your grandmother. Yes, it is frustrating that you do not have the energy to make one frillion Christmas cookies or color Easter eggs or host a Halloween mystery dinner or have dessert ready when your friends come over to watch television, but no one really cares that you do these things anyway and for the love of GOD will you relax already? YOU ARE GROWING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.
If you are awake at three a.m. with third trimester insomnia and your husband is curled up right next to you and snoring directly in your face, it is definitely okay to shove him, and if that doesn't work, to jab him in the chin and say loudly, "Due to the extreme unfairness of this entire situation, I am perfectly within my rights to insist you roll over immediately." What will be even more unfair is that he will roll over without even waking up.
Even if you are having a SMALL BABY, it is eventually going to be difficult to maneuver yourself in and out of the car, up and off the bed or couch and into and out of the bath tub. One day you will realize that you are walking around the lake at half your usual speed, and you are out of breath. This will be very humbling and I would recommend you begin attending a prenatal yoga class, where you are surrounded by people in the very same situation, which will validate your entire hippo-like existence.
The pregnant ladies in the pregnant lady workout video are not really pregnant. I don't believe it. PROVE IT, "Pregnant" Ladies!
People will talk a lot about hormones. They will talk about "pregnancy brain". Every time you do something stupid or get a little emotional, everyone, especially women who already have children, will be quick to gleefully point out how your mental deficiencies are pregnancy-related. I suppose this is true for some people, but if you are like me, the only time you ever cried for no reason was after going see Marie Antoinette in the theaters, and that may have just been because that movie was terrible. No, what will happen to you is the inability to speak English. You will be perfectly capable of forming coherent sentences in your brain, but when it comes time to actually say these sentences aloud, your mouth will not work. Who knows why this is? All I know is that the other day it took me a full fifteen minutes to say, "The girl with the curly red hair." It was terribly embarrassing and of course I blamed it on pregnancy.
You can blame pretty much everything on pregnancy and no one will argue with you. They are probably afraid of the well-publicized yet occasionally fictional hormones. I suggest you take advantage.
This is only a small assortment of Things I Have Learned, Internet, but today is my Last Tuesday and certain things must be accomplished. Oh, another thing I have learned is that one should not gloat too much about a particular Tuesday being her last Tuesday, as people will start to sneer "short timer" and make comments about how lazy you are, now that you only have a few days left. But then they will also bring you presents, so I guess it's a toss up. Gloat at your own risk!