The Mommy Crit Group

I finally bought myself a copy of Bird By Bird the other day, because I didn't have enough time to read my library copy before it was due. I was only halfway through and I knew it was the kind of book I'd want to reread and put under my pillow, so I bought it and I'm almost done. This afternoon I read the section on writing groups. She kept talking about how great they are, what they can do for you, the writer who is terrified of having other people read your work, but is utterly confident about having written the next great American novel. I'm reading it and thinking, "Right, okay, but when is she going to get to the part about how writing groups SUCK?"

(This post isn't about writing. I have a point. I'll get to it, just in case you're wondering.)

BECAUSE. I spent a large chunk of my college career sitting in writing workshops having my work shot to hell. In my experience, critique groups are either 1) totally useless because they're too busy telling you how great that one part is and they really loved this character and ooh, they just liked it SO! MUCH! or 2) miserable little prisons populated by you, The Prisoner and your fellow students, The Torturers, who all have various things to prove by belittling and misunderstanding and tearing you down.

(Okay, so they aren't ALL like this, and the teachers weren't half bad and I imagine 3-4 person crit groups made up of adults who appreciate each other's work is a completely different experience. But my God, waltzing into a writing workshop, unknown, with my first draft- yeah, that's right up there on my Top Ten List Of Things That Will Kill Me Dead.)

Anyway. Anne Lamott gets to this eventually, the awkwardness of critiquing work out loud in a group, especially when the work is terrible, and how do you be honest without, you know, destroying that person's soul? Because to read your piece out loud, to have it picked apart by strangers, to ask for help without knowing if that help will be gentle- that is a huge risk. Personally I think if you can put yourself in that position, you've already won Round One.

At the end of the chapter Anne Lamott talks about a conversation with a student who gave a particularly harsh critique, telling her that (and I am tooootally paraphrasing here) you don't have to use the sword of truth to chop, you can also point.

So. ALL THAT TO SAY. Sometimes I feel like being a mom, especially a newish mom to small children, is like being in a writing workshop, although you didn't sign up for it, you didn't even realize you were walking into the classroom, and you certainly had nothing to do with the work everyone is now silently marking up with red pencils. That boy willfully ignoring my command to stop tormenting his sister? BORN THAT WAY!

These are your peers. These are the people who are hopefully supporting you and cheering you on and gently pointing out your loose ends and maybe how you can tighten up that one passage, but sometimes it feels like all the other moms have something to prove. Maybe they need to prove that they did more research than you did. Or that they've been doing it longer than you have. Or that they had their work critiqued by someone with authority, and now THEIR work has authority. Maybe they're having a rough time of it themselves and judge your work to be less, just to make themselves feel better. Some of them have built a wealth of knowledge from dealing with their own mistakes, and now they're going to make sure you don't make yours. I'd bet a lot of them feel powerless, and see that red pencil as a quick feel good power trip.

The problem is, it's a workshop. We're all in this together. We meet up at wading pools and coffee shops and each other's living rooms. We observe each other's children and talk about them incessantly. These are our perpetual first drafts, because by the time we feel like we've mastered the dialogue we realize the plot is too thin. Our work is just OUT THERE, for ANYONE to scrutinize, and while the offhand remark from the old lady in the grocery store or the thing your friend's mother said without thinking kind of bugs us, it's the mothers we know, the ones who are our age, with kids the same age as ours, who are the fellow students in this class. Some of them are gentle. A lot of them aren't.

And now I'm afraid that if you know me in real life you're wracking your brain trying to figure out whatever specific incident brought this on, but there isn't one. It's just something I've been thinking about, and that chapter in Bird By Bird gave me a framework.

I want to be in the buisness of building people up. I want to use my sword to point, not chop. I see plenty of things I could comment on, or give advice about, plenty of opportunities for me to act like a pompous know-it-all, and I admit it: I ADORE being a pompous know-it-all. I don't even have to know it all! I can pretend! But when my neighbor walked by with his 4 month old son and stopped to chat about the utter hell that is no sleep at night and no naps during the day, it took every ounce of self restraint in my body not to go all ballistic about the four month sleep regression and has he tried THIS and has he tried THAT and well when I tried this or that it worked like a CHARM and thank God I could still hear the tiny voice in my head shrieking "do not EVEN go there, woman!" Obviously my neighbor had tried every single thing he and his wife could think of. Obviously he was just muddling through like the rest of us. I said something to the effect of, "Well, a lot of people struggle with sleep at four months" because I felt like that would be affirming, at least, and wished him luck.

It's not that the all the advice and tips and sharing experiences isn't valuable (have you met mommyblogs?) I just wish the advice-giving wasn't our first response. I want to give equal weight to an empathetic, "Yeah, dude, that sucks". You know? Giving each other the benefit of the doubt and not trying to fill some need in ourselves when we're "helping" a friend.

I don't know what you think about this. It's entirely possible that I'm the only one whose eyes start to cross when someone purports to have The Secret To Sleeping Through The Night/Getting The Child To Eat Something Other Than Mac And Cheese/Taking A Bottle/Etc. Etc. Etc. Or, worse, implies that whoever is having the problem is doing it all wrong, hasn't read the right stuff, isn't committed, is over committed, is a bad mother for not knowing how. Sometimes the critique group is right. Actually, they're right quite often. But most of the time, in this motherhood workshop we're all stuck in, I think there is something better than being right, and that is being kind and loving and supportive, because we've all been there at some time or another. And if you say you haven't, you're lying. 

My mom friends tend to be gentle types. I treasure them. I should tell them so.

Comments

[jennifer]

Great post.

[Kels]

:)

[Christina]

Yet another great awesome, quotable, must-link-to post from Mighty Maggie.

And so timely! Seriously. My 14 year old? Is at a writer's camp this week. Where she has to share her work. It is totally stressing her out. I should probably be more empathetic about that. I'd give her this link, but then she'd read my comment...

And I totally agree on the Mommy's workshop thing too. I do just want someone to say "that sucks" - and yet all too often I try to share my own experiences or give advice when a friend is venting her woes. I also have this problem with my daughter. She wants to hear "that sucks" and I'm going on and on "Well did you think about...? Maybe you should..?" How annoying! Must stop doing that, right now!

[Jess]

This is amazing. I want you to be my supportive mom-friend when I have kids.

[-R-]

This is so good, Maggie!

I don't mind when people try to give helpful advice. But it really bothers me when people act like they are responsible for their baby sleeping through the night or their baby eating adventurous food or whatever. It's like me taking credit for having a really smiley, happy baby. That's just his personality! It's not because of anything I did.

[Jenny Ryan]

This is such a great metaphor for your experience-well said!

It also describes very well my experiences with "chronic illness" crit groups.

[Liz]

Have you seen White Men Can't Jump? When Rosie Perez says "I'm thirsty" and the dude gets her a glass of water? And she says something like "I didn't want you to get me a drink, I wanted you to say 'I, too, know what it is to thirst!'" That's my kind of response!

That said, I like the "Ah! The four month sleep regression!" type response too. Because then they can say "The what?" or "It blows." (Mostly because I had NO IDEA about the 4 month sleep regression.)

[Elizabeth]

I love giving unsolicited advice. I hate getting it. What a ridiculous conundrum.
I was really hoping you were going to ask me to be in your virtual/online writing group in this post, but nooooooo.

[Manda]

Amen amen AMEN to the whole idea of commiserating before correcting. I think I told my husband the exact same thing once when he was trying to "fix" something I was venting about ... I said "Can't you just say, 'That sucks!'?"

[Amanda]

Love the metaphor... and you are SO right! I can't STAND to have my writing or my parenting "skills" (pish posh, skills...) corrected. But, that doesn't stop anyone from doing EITHER.

At least, with writing, if you get it wrong it just sucks. If you get parenting wrong - you get... teenagers?

[Christiana]

This was a really great, insightful post.

I think mommy advice giving is all about the presentation. If you come across as all "well, this is what you should do" or "this is the only thing that you need/will work" then of course it's obnoxious. But if you're truly trying to share your own experience and offer something that maybe they haven't thought of... well, I think that usually comes across from the advice giver.

My husband has a cousin who when she found out I was pregnant gave me a demonstration and presentation of "the only things you'll need". She came across very condescending. And yet, I am so willing to take advice from those who have come before me. Why do you think I read all these mommy blogs? :)

[Lisa]

AMEN! It's nice to commiserate, but advice-giving is iffy at best. What's worse...when someone without a kid thinks they can do it better than you. I know a girl who's pregnant now and I visited her house recently. It was so nice and organized, with pretty glass candy dishes and nick nacks all around. I made some comment about how this would all look different by this time next year, since we all know that kids take over your life and then teach you how to babyproof...often the hard way. She said, "Well, a few things will have to be moved, but for the most part I think it's just discipline." ...she said as I scurried around removing breakables before Olivia could get to them. She babysits a one-year-old and claimed that he responds to the boundaries set by saying "No, don't touch!" I wanted to scream. Just wait until her crawler discovers how to open a videocassette cover. That stack of videotapes on the floor won't last long there, I'm SURE.

[Tara]

Love it. Love this post.

[Lindsay]

Being in the business of building people up. That is great, and I concur, excellent post.