This makes me want to sing, "I just want more than this provincial life!" even though provincial is not quite the right word

I am sitting here in my in-laws' rarely used formal dining room wondering how to say what it is I think I want to say, while my mother-in-law gets dinner ready and Jack runs circles around her and Ye Ye cleans the remains of a teething cookie off of Molly's chipmunk cheeks and calls her "little pig" in Cantonese. Curious George is playing in the background. It's sunny for the first time all day, making me feel a little guilty about the running shoes I brought but did not tie on today. There are Phillip-era toys underfoot. I've done about two hours of baby work total and written about five pages, which is five pages more than I ever write in one day.

One of the things I crave, now that I'm a stay at home mother, is privacy. There's the lack of physical privacy (Jack now takes up watch at the bathroom door if you are lucky enough to close it before he gets there), but I wish for "inner" privacy even more - a chance to be alone with my thoughts. I think this is why I've managed to keep up this jogging habit for as long as I have (I know, it hasn't even been a year, but PEOPLE. Just the fact that I go jogging AT ALL is reason to phone the Vatican.) When you're running, especially outside, you have as much time with your thoughts as your legs will allow.

Since we moved Molly into Jack's room, the afternoon nap has shrunk. I don't expect Molly to sleep as long as Jack, but I'd say half the time Jack wakes up an hour, sometimes even TWO hours, earlier than he would when he was alone in his room. I carve a half hour out of naptime for exercise and since Molly reliably sleeps about an hour and a half, I get about one hour of free time. I usually eat lunch and dork around on the internet (since there's nothing good on TV anymore, SIGH) and without fail Molly wakes up before I'm ready to deal. I think that's probably true no matter if your kid sleeps twenty minutes or four hours, and I know I shouldn't complain too much about an hour and a half in the afternoons. But I so acutely feel the loss of thinking time. Sometimes I think, "Oh, if I just had MOLLY, she'd be happy with those measuring cups for at LEAST 15 minutes" or "Oh, if I just had JACK, I'd just stick him in the high chair with some paper and crayons, he'd be good for a WHILE." But I almost always have both and one of them almost always needs SOMETHING.

And then Phillip comes home and the evening routine is kick started and I feel horrible for craving privacy when the kids are in bed and I haven't spoken two grown up sentences to my husband all day.

I drove to my in-laws' house after Molly's morning nap. I got them situated, delivered my instructions and took off for Panera where I was tempted by the unholy French Toast bagel. I was there a little over two hours, just sitting, staring out the window, corralling the thoughts I haven't had time or energy to properly think about. I put them down on paper, and maybe they're a bunch of tripe and drivel or (why not?) unerring brilliance, but the fact remains that I THOUGHT things and then I WROTE THEM DOWN. I cannot tell you how much I've been craving that specific action, that movement, that process.

What? What's that you're saying? Something about near-daily blog posts? Aren't THOSE thoughts? Yes, but this is different. It's easy to write about ME. I mean, even on my don't-have-anything-to-blog-about days I can think of at least 29 unbloggable (but don't you wish they WERE!) things to write about. This other stuff isn't about me. It takes a whole different brain muscle.

I've been trying to figure out when and how to use that muscle more often. Do I get up earlier? Do I reduce the blogging thing? Do I [preferred option] skip exercising? I think it's okay for me, a stay at home mom, to want this- something that's not about my kids, but also doesn't help pay the bills. Something that really doesn't benefit anyone except myself, at least for the short term (and, let's face it, probably for the long term as well!) But that time I spend in my own head, when I come out of it I feel more like me.

When I'm senile and decrepit and living in The Home I want to know that 1) my kids were my greatest accomplishment and 2) they weren't my only accomplishment. Is it okay for me to say that?

I guess "inner privacy" is just another way of saying "whatever it is that floats your boat". Right? Everyone would please like more me time. But I don't know, it feels different than just wishing my kids would sleep longer so I can finish that last episode of The Hills.

**Official Mighty Maggie Brownie Points for anyone who knows where the title song comes from!

Comments

[Charlotte]

Beauty and the Beast!

Feeling as you are is not only perfectly normal, but in my humble childless opinion, far superior to the child driven method. Your kids will be secure in themselves and realize that it is okay to have interests outside of their primary activities. Back to packing.

[Lindsay]

Running is a great way to collect one's thoughts...at least during the minutes that aren't an exercise in convincing yourself not to stop eh? As far as quality me time vs lesser quality me time I sort of understand but find I never can quite hit the nail on the head as to what that should be. This evening I got all organizy and got some stuff done and it passed for quality me time. Other days, the same task would just me a chore. Sometimes blog reading is bliss, sometimes it's like what am I wasting my life on this for... anyway, "the pursuit of happiness" seems to be what you are driving at so of course you are allowed to crave privacy time if it allows you to flex a brain muscle that makes you feel more like yourself.

[Miriel]

Ooooh! I know! I know! It's from "Belle," from Beauty and the Beast. And I didn't cheat. And I love that song. How did the cookies turn out? I made them on Sunday :-)

[jennifer]

Yes, Belle.

Maggie. I'd like to pitch a sitcom based on your blog. Momentary burst of imaginative extemporanea is the filmic mo (think Scrubs), interrupting life's daily narrative.

and this moment, my dear, would feature an animated you with a photographic cut out head of your face with a animated mouth singing on an animated Belle Body.

(Think South Park).

Yes, I'm a genius. (thank you, I'll be here all week.)

But you are my muse.

[Shelby]

Ah. I, too, knew it was Beauty and the Beast. Belle is singing in my head as I write this.

I know that feeling, of being more "me". Currently, I feel that when I've spent good quality time with my college girlfriends, or when I've spent a vacation with my niece and nephew. I spend most of my day as a worker bee, and that's definitely not who I really am.

[Meg]

Yup, Beauty and the Beast-and now it's stuck in my head. Thanks.

I totally understand what you mean. My two-and-a-half year old, Jack, doesn't nap, and sleeps only eight hours a night, so my "me" time is very limited. As a stay at home mom, I often feel that I would give anything to have five minutes where I could just think. When he goes to bed at night, I do all the chores I didn't get to during the day, then pass out for a very brief night's sleep. Getting up earlier is not an option when you're only averaging five hours a night! Reading your blog is always my morning escape, so thank you.

I am a wannabe writer as well, and have been feeling an almost overwhelming urge to put pen to paper. I almost lost my sister and my son within four months of each other, and I was the primary caretaker for both during and after their hospital stays. My son is totally fine now, but my 23 year old sister has irreversible, but minor, brain damage and a pacemaker. The only way I know to deal with this is to write it out, but I haven't even had the time.

I am an avid cyclist (and a runner when there is absolutely no other option) and rely heavily on my road bike for inner peace. Unfortunately, my frame cracked two weeks ago, and I have been without a bike. Turns out, that leads to uncontrollable sobbing while watching Homeward Bound. It's incredibly important to have an outlet. It makes us better moms, better wives, and saner people. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do-in fact, I would worry if you didn't!

[Jess]

Everything you've said here is totally OK and I already know that I'll feel the same way when I have two kids. It's very relatable. It's interesting that running is your thinking time. One of the things that I love about swimming is that it isn't thinking time. I focus on my breathing and my movements and the water, and that's it. I love that.

I hope you find more time for yourself and your thoughts. And also, you will get more of that time sort of automatically as your kids get older.

[Jen]

Are my brownie points exchangable for real brownies?

I only have the one baby and I feel the same way a lot. I push the dog off of me at night because one clingy creature at once is enough.

[Melissa]

No brownie points for me...but I give you points for keeping up with your running. I've been a bit of a slacker these days, but today is a new day, right? I hope to jog with Lucy as our afternoon activity. Running, love it or hate it, is a great time to let your mind wander. Of course, I sometimes have really great ideas and insight, but most days, I'm daydreaming about meeting someone famous.

By the way, just survived another roadtrip...with Lucy and the MIL.

[Carrie]

Right now I miss physical space more than privacy. But I understand what you mean. Being a mom is tough in ways that you really can't prepare for.

[-R-]

I think the only reason I work out right now is so that I have time by myself to think. I actually just told my husband last night that I am taking 3 hours on Sunday to just do whatever I want to do and he has to take care of the baby. I have no idea yet what I'm going to do, but I can't wait. How sad is that?!

[Lisa]

My all-time fave Disney movie, Beauty and the Beast. I know how you feel. Today I know I need to get some things done during naptime, but I don't want to sacrifice my "me" time. It seems that time is less and less every day.

[Jessica]

Beauty and the Beast... I know I'm not the first to post, but I do have it stuck in my head now (thanks).

I feel the same way as you do. I know, it doesn't seem like I do much all day (I do have a part-time job that brings in a teeny bit of money), but it gets to be a real drag. Not mind-stimulating at all. I love my kids and I think I've done a pretty good job at getting them to the tiny human stage, but there's nothing wrong with wanting something for yourself. I think it's important for our kids to know that we were WOMEN. People. Not just moms. We had accomplishments and goals. And an interesting life.

I wouldn't give up exercising if I were you. But that's just me. (and I don't actually exercise much).

[Erin]

What you said at the end about looking back at your life's accomplishments - that really struck a chord. Isn't that what most moms want now - especially since many of us have gone off to college and prepared ourselves for careers and developed hopes for making our marks in the world? Then we have children and there's just not enough hours in the day to do it all. I expect as our kids get older more time will come, and perhaps then we can really do something about those brilliant thoughts. :)

[Kels]

I love that song! And it comes on "Toddler Tunes" once and awhile which makes me smile. Mostly because I love Beauty and the Beast.

You absolutely should not feel bad about wanting to do something for yourself. As others have said, it makes you a better mom, wife, and person. Good luck on finding balance.

If it makes you feel better, when they get older, they might even ignore you for a little bit and give you plenty of time to write. My sister had 3 kids under 4 years old and now that they are older, she spends her days reading and teaching yoga :)

[Christiana]

It comes from the song "Belle" in Beauty and the Beast and now you have it stuck in my head. :)

I cannot tell you how much I echo this post. I honestly do not know how you do it with 2 kids (which reminds me, why am I so bummed that I can't start trying for number 2?) since my 1 kid with 2 naps sometimes is ready to do me in. But some time to myself is what I crave - some time where I'm not responsible for her, even while she sleeps.

I'm awful glad you got some time today (yesterday)

[Sarah in Ottawa]

I was thrilled to see you quoting 'Belle' from "Beauty and the Beast" -- "I want adventure in the great, wide somewhere..." -- in the title!

I think what you feel is totally normal. Heck, I only have one -- and I'm a screaming extrovert -- and I still have days (often) where I am dying for that 'me' time. I have several former colleagues who are parents and runners for the same reason you've articulated. And getting help from the inlaws/parents is an option that I am glad to have; don't feel guilty because it's open to you!

I, too, struggle with what's next in terms of life accomplishments. I feel that I am being called to have more than one child, but I have always felt called to contribute in ways beyond my home, too. I am not sure what form that will take (especially since the job I return too will be totally different due to restructuring). But I figure that He has my back.

No ideas re. when to incorporate your writing (as one who doesn't love writing, I'd prioritize dreaded exercise above it!) but FWIW I have no doubt you'll figure it out and rock it!

[Christina]

I hear you I hear you I hear you. Sorry, it needed to be said in triplicate. Just the other day I was walking in little circles muttering to myself (I wish I was joking, but I'm totally not) "I just need to be by myself for one minute. Why can't I get a single moment for myself?!" Which is silly because I actually get lots more moments than I got when the kids were really little, but it does seem that when I MOST need time to think, that's when my kids need to get in my face and ramble about random pointless things.
Two hours at Panera writing actual thoughts? Sounds like paradise.

[Megan]

Oh, that is Belle from Beauty and the Beast but I am sure someone has already said that. I hear you. I have three. The oldest two don't nap anymore. There is always someone that needs something. sigh.

[Jen @ The Short Years]

I am SO right there with you. On all of it. Trying to write something more than blog posts does take a different brain muscle, and it feels so good to exercise it...but it takes a little time and space where you know you're not going to be interrupted mid-brilliant-thought.

It's Beauty and the Beast, by the way. I doubt I'm the first one to get that.