The last word on Father's Day

I met Phillip when I was 19. As humiliating as it is for me to admit this, I was Instantly Smitten. Humiliating because it took Phillip a good two years to even acknowledge my existence. During those two years I filled several journals, went on many Determined Walks, made many I Am Going To Forget About This Stupid Boy resolutions, repeatedly broke those resolutions, and was basically a pathetic bore who valiantly attempted to redeem herself with Women's Studies courses and post-modern novels. I was a fun time, people. We would have been besties for SURE.

I feel pretty safe saying that not once during those two years did I ever wonder if Phillip would be a good dad. Nope.

We started dating the summer I turned 21. (And now I am wondering what I am going to write about NEXT Sunday, our 6th anniversary? SUGGESTIONS?) We got engaged and married when I was 23. And the entire sum of my baby-related thoughts during that time were "Yes we will" and "Oooh, mixed babies are SO! CUTE!"

That's it.

I didn't have kids when I wrote this post about getting married youngish, but it's pretty much all I was thinking about. When when when when when were we going to have a baby? I was so excited to be a mother, and even though Phillip had these silly ideas about college funds and mortgages and jobs, I felt certain he would take exactly .0002 seconds to fall in love with our baby.

So the fact that, three years later, he's an awesome and devoted dad is the least surprising thing ever. When I asked him what he wanted to do today he said, "Oh, just hang out with the kids." (For comparison's sake, let's examine what I TOLD him I was going to do on Mother's Day: Go shopping all day with my girlfriends while he took care of the kids. I? Am decidedly less awesome.)

But I think I'm trying to write a Father's Day post that isn't so much about fatherhood as partnership. One day Jack and Molly can write their own My Dad Is The Coolest essays, and I suppose I could be writing one about my dad (because he is) if it weren't for the fact that I've been told repeatedly over the last several days that this is a manufactured Hallmark holiday blah blah blah I bought him a book anyway. (Because I want to read it.)

No, I'm trying to say something about what kind of father Phillip is for me, which is something I don't think I could have known or figured out, even if I'd been aware enough at the time to realize I should have an idea. It's not just about getting up in the middle of the night or volunteering to feed the baby or cheerfully changing diapers, although he does those things and I am very grateful.

It's more like the fact that when he gets home from work, he doesn't need fifteen minutes of peace and quiet before he can be part of the family. He washes his hands and asks what I need him to do. Feed the baby? Get Jack in his chair? Set the table? He doesn't complain when I rattle off our list of things we did that day, forgetting to even ask him if he had a good one. He works at the office all day and immediately jumps into the baby work when he gets home.

It's also dawning on me, two years after the fact, how smoothly Phillip adjusted from DINK to Dad. I've been taking this for granted, people, something I'm reminded of every time I read a blog or hear a friend talk about how hard the baby stage is for her husband.

I don't think the baby stage is easy on anyone, and Phillip and I have had our share of moans about our lives pre-kids, things we have to do because we have kids, things we can't do because we have kids. But my husband? Stepped up. He's the one who's always saying, "This is the way things are, this is the new normal," and maybe he doesn't say it with a smile, but he says it responsibly, firmly, with commitment. I've never doubted whether he wants to be here, whether he wants to be with his kids, whether he's willing to make the sacrifices and do the dirty work and meet me in the uncertainty. It sounds like something to take for granted, but it's not.

This is where Jack would say, "HOPPY! FARRS! DAY!"

(And seriously, what am I going to write about next week? That was poor blog planning, getting married so close to Father's Day!)

Comments

[Lindsay]

I get the feeling reading around the blogosphere that Fathers Day is a big day for the wives of the fathers in question too. So a partnershippy post is more than appropriate. I can't wait for next week's anniversary post. I'm sure whatever you write will be lovely.

[Angela Noelle]

I actually quite love this approach to the Father's Day post. Plus the kids + dad pictures are beyond adorable!

[anonymous]

What's wrong with writing about Phillip next weekend?

[Redbecca]

OMG, your dad and my husband are from the same genetic pool. Manufactured Hallmark holiday blah blah blah is exactly the blather that comes out of his mouth for just about any holiday with the exception of birthdays and Christmas. But you should see him devolve into mush when he gets his Farrs day card from DS. HAH!

[Redbecca]

oh, and ADORABLE pictures!

[Elsha]

I did the same poor blog planning! I need to write a father's day post and tomorrow is our 3 year anniversary so I need to write about that too. Also, I am right there with you on being decidedly less awesome. Brian got up early AND stayed up late (til 2!!) on father's day because the baby is sick and wouldn't stop crying. Know what I did while he dealt with her? Right. Slept.

[ashley.star]

There are just so many wonderful men in the world. :)

I love it.

Happy Father's Day!

[Christiana]

I get the issue w/ getting married so close to Father's Day. When I planned my wedding, I didn't even realize that my wedding day was the day before Father's Day. My dad gave me away and then had to watch me leave on Father's Day weekend. Oops.

And you are so not less awesome because of your Mother's Day plans (personally, I think you might be more awesome. I wish I could have done that). You are with the kids all day, every day. What should you get to do on "your day"? a Break. I think it's great that Phillip just wanted to spend the day w/ the kids, but think about it - it's a break from his norm, too. He works in an office 5 days a week. So it is a different scenario. Don't judge yourself by that example alone.

[Naomi Goldberg]

You're really lucky to have a husband like that. Sets the tone for the whole family!

[Sarah in Ottawa]

What a lovely tribute; despite the dirty sock habit, Phillip is a total mensch! I had hoped to write something about Dave on Father's Day, but we were driving across the province in order to see BOTH our Dads (my FIL had his birthday on Sunday, too) so we got home too late.

As for what you can write about on your anniversary, why not a tribute re. his attributes. I am going to shamelessly cross promote Dave's blog and...um...me by linking to this post, the nicest birthday gift that I have ever received: http://bit.ly/moUeq Ignore the wonky template. He is experimenting with funny ones, and he's landed on this for now.

[Aunt LoLo]

My mother had the same thoughts when I started dating Lo Gung. "Oooh! Cute grandbabies galore!"

Hope y'all had a great father's day!