Purpose

I'm up early with the baby, checking my email.. Jack will probably wake up in a half hour and then Phillip will start getting ready for work. And then he'll go to work and I'll start breakfast and I won't see him till late, because he's going to a baseball game tonight and God created baseball to be nearly as long and boring and endless as golf.

I have a handful of things I could or could not do today, depending. I tend to weigh my options till the very last minute, especially when we've had a slate of off-schedule days. I'm tired, I don't want to deal with getting ready and packing and making sure my two kids don't fall asleep in the car on the way home. On the other hand, our days are much more fun when we see friends.

I'm tired.

My kitchen and floors and bathrooms and stairs are making me depressed, because they're dirty, and desperate, because I can't keep them clean. I should stay home and do a few loads of laundry today. And dust- if you could SEE the dust in my living room right now, thank you morning sunshine. I'm pretty sure the lettuce I picked two days ago is still sitting on the table outside. I need to wash the bottles and unpack yesterday's going-to-grandma's-house diaper bag and unpack my toiletries bag from our weekend overnighter at my parents' house.

I'll see what people are doing on Twitter.

I need to reschedule my hair appointment. Again.

Lunch will be okay. Jack is on a macaroni and cheese and hot dogs diet, but at least he is eating those things and not just practicing his fork skills. Molly's eating better too, which makes me feel like I'm a good mom. I wish I didn't connect whether or not my children are willing to eat with how good a mom I am. Maybe I'll read some blogs about that.

Which reminds me: maybe I don't want to do one of my handful of things to do, because my friend's daughter eats things like tofu and kimchee and raw broccoli and I feel woefully inadequate when I see her do this. I think the reason my son is afraid of peas is because I don't eat them either. I wish I didn't compare myself to other moms.

Naptime will be a good time to shrug all that off. I haven't exercised in four days, and while I'm proud to say that is a rarity, I'm sad to admit I don't miss it and was doing just fine without exercising. Except for those couple of pounds I gained. So back on the treadmill for me, which is good for the brain, good for the heart and gets me thinking about things other than my failures as a mother. My iPod might shuffle over to that Taylor Swift song and I'll start thinking about the story I want to write, which I think is the reason I'm having such a hard time finding things to write here. Brain space is getting tight.

I have no idea what we'll do this afternoon, but the morning news says the weather will be decent and it's been a while since we dragged out the tricycle and zoomed around the block. I should check on my garden - the zucchini have taken over. My tomato plant came back to life, but the zucchini are drowning the beans and the squash and oh yeah, there's a big pile of lettuce sitting outside. I'll probably check my email.

Dinner. Chicken nuggets? Ravioli? Try the blueberries again? I don't want to think about food. I never know what to feed them. Something nutritious? Or something they'll eat? Sometimes I get completely overwhelmed at how many more times I will have to figure out what a toddler will eat that day.

Thank God Phillip fixed the TiFaux last night. I don't know how to get through the evening with VeggieTales. Or Sesame Street. Or anything bright and animated, preferably with puppets. I can check my email.

Bedtime is hard when there are two of them and one of you. I usually set Jack up with a treat and the TV (two strikes) while I leave him alone (third strike) to take Molly upstairs and get her ready for bed. She's down a whole hour earlier and it works best that way. If she stays asleep. Then I clean Jack up, take him upstairs, get his pjs on, read stories, say prayers - it takes forever. Sometimes it's a good forever, sometimes I'm just impatient to enter grown up world for the first time all day. Maybe I'll write a blog post.

Yesterday I took a break from the usual and spent a good four or five hours at World Vision headquarters. I went for the free food, I left with increased faith. More on that later. At the end I said something to the effect of, "This made me feel like what I do all day is actually worthwhile." And people gave me that patronizing Mommies Make The World Go 'Round! sympathetic smile and that was okay, I understood, I know my job IS important, I know SOMEONE has to get some food down my kids' throats. But yesterday people took my website seriously, including myself, and that was weird and exciting and purposeful.

It's seven. The whining has just begun. I'll need a sense of purpose today.

Comments

[Lindsay]

Oh man...I hope you find it. I blogged about a similar topic yesterday. It sucks when you feel like you have no purpose. I was feeling it on the "want babies now but can't have them at this moment front" and have sort of found a shift of focus. We'll see how long it lasts. :)

[Jen @ The Short Years]

That's pretty much the way a day in my life goes too.

[Lizzie]

Let us wear the kids out for you and they'll take a rock star nap for you this afternoon! Then you can bring the lettuce inside and go for a run and check your email.

[Carrie]

I'm only on day 2 of being a stay-at-home mom to two kids and I'm already going through all this same angst. The "I know this is God's calling for my life right now" and "I know that being a mom is a great thing" but it's also kind of boring and I'm tired and I don't really like it right now.

On another note, thank goodness for hot dogs! Ethan is on strike from eating everything else, but yesterday inhaled a hot dog for lunch. First time he's eaten well in days. Hot dogs will be our main food for a while, I think!

[Tracy]

It sounds like the life of a mom with small children. It's hard to remember purpose when you're treading the ocean of life, but I'll pray that you can see it through the veggie tales and the macaroni and cheese. It is a high calling, but that doesn't mean it's easy.

[Tara]

"Bedtime is hard when there are two of them and one of you. I usually set Jack up with a treat and the TV (two strikes) while I leave him alone (third strike) to take Molly upstairs and get her ready for bed..."

That's TOTALLY what I do too!! Adam's out tonight (with my blessing, sort of) so I will be joining you tonight in the ranks of multiple-children-bedtime-circus-act.

I'm still trying to find my purpose. Some moms really seem to be secure and passionate about their "job," but I can't say that I'm there yet.

Oh, and my kid would never touch broccoli or tofu either. The only green thing she eats is Olive Garden salad, and I'm sure it's just because of the dressing. :-)

[Manda]

Oh good grief the mommysmaketheworldgoround SYMPATHETIC/ PATRONIZING SMILE? THAT GETS SO OLD. As does the million things to do every day. I can't even count the number of times I've repacked a diaper bag and found all kinds of gory, moldy surprises in there!!
World Vision does indeed rock.

[Ashley]

I think we're sharing a brain:

"Dinner. Chicken nuggets? Ravioli? Try the blueberries again? I don't want to think about food. I never know what to feed them. Something nutritious? Or something they'll eat?"

I just had a conversation with myself about how I did not want to have to worry about what the kids will eat all. the. time. As soon as breakfast is over, you're thinking about lunch. When that's done, you're planning dinner. It's never ending.

"I usually set Jack up with a treat and the TV (two strikes) while I leave him alone (third strike) to take Molly upstairs and get her ready for bed."

This is exactly what I do with Haley while I put Noah to bed. Except my husband works until 10:00 every other night, so it's just me with the bedtime-juggling quite often.

It's nice to know other moms have the same issues I do. But they'll grow up before we know it, and then we'll be all, "Mah baybees!"

[Lisa]

I've had those days. Heck, I think I'm HAVING one of those days. Olivia is in a very grumpy mood today and it's 90 million degrees out and we really NEED to get out and do something, but the effort is just too much. I get it.

[Christiana]

Check Ask Moxie for toddler eating woes. She has made me feel so much better about how The Fuss eats.

I wish I could give you a hug. I have been there - and I only have one kid. I know exactly what you speak of and I empathize. I seriously think you are awesome, a terrific mom and a wonderful woman and I (have said this before, but I seriously mean it) wish we lived closer so we could be face-to-face friends instead of just online friends.

[Michelle]

I highly recommend Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense (Satter). I could easily get neurotic about these things, but it's thanks to her that I'm not. Basically she says that it's your job to choose when and what you will offer your child, and your child's job to choose to eat it or not. So please: don't judge yourself based on food issues, it's really not worth it.

[annie]

My two are on the mac & hot dog diet as well. And chicken nuggets. I realized recently that I've gotten into a food rut with my boys - I make these things far too often (oh. And scrambled eggs. For Chris. Not Jake.) because I know they'll eat them. When we sit down to dinner, they'll often eat (some of) what I make, but if I want them to eat then it's back to the staples. Once I had this realization, I felt like Bad Mommy too. We have friends whose kids eat everything too - and they just adopted a precious Korean baby, so their food world has grown by leaps and bounds (and they eat that stuff too!) - and I have to force myself not to compare. Funny - I never compare their kids to my kids. I compare ME to the OTHER MOM. Sigh. I think it's the rare young mom who doesn't make those comparisons about something or other, Maggie. If that's any consolation.

And bedtime? Tim's going away for work (WORK! THANK GOD!) next week and all I can think about is bedtime. He has been home with me THE ENTIRE TIME JAKE HAS BEEN ALIVE, so the days that I've had to manage dual naptime have been few - and it's never once been an issue at bedtime. While I'm thrilled that he's back to work, I'm a nervous wreck about learning all of these logistics.