The correspondence that didn't make it into last week's Parenting post

Dear The Gap,

I tried on I don't know how many pairs of your jeans yesterday and I think I need to make peace with the fact that your jeans and I are never going to get along. I tried every style (except the skinny ones, because I am not fifteen, and the slim fit ones, because who am I kidding?) and they all fit the same: tight around the butt, loose around my waist. I know that doesn't sound like the worst problem to have, but SERIOUSLY, The Gap. I think you must take your name from the giant gap between my lower back and the waistband of your jeans. And even if I bought the tightest pair, I know from experience that after an hour or two of wear I'd be spending the rest of my day hiking up my stupid jeans. This is incredibly annoying, The Gap. Especially when you want EIGHTY DOLLARS for these things. Please.

I think we're going to have to quit the friendship,
Maggie

Dear Banana Republic,

I am only MARGINALLY less irritated with you, upscale-ish version of The Gap. Some of your pants actually fit, but how tall do you think the average girl IS, Banana Republic? We are not all Glamazons. I am five foot five, which is not tall, true, but definitely not short. And the pair of pants I bought from you (on the clearance rack, $21.99, well done!) will require me to hack off at least three, maybe four, inches. Even if I wore my tallest pair of heels (and I actually OWN a pair of Very Tall Heels, I'm growing up!) I would STILL have to hem these pants. I figured $21.99 was worth it, but I really AM curious how tall you think we are. Your petite sizes are the right length, but since the rest of me is, ah, not petite, that's not exactly helpful.

Just offering some constructive criticism,
Maggie

Dear Twilight The Movie,

My sisters warned me not to waste two hours of my life watching you, but I wanted to form my own opinion. Turns out you are exactly like the book. Your beginning is absolutely wretched and almost unwatchable, Edward totally grew on me, Bella didn't and your dialogue was hokey and cringeworthy. I would please like you to fire Kristen Stewart who managed to make herself even more aggravating than her character (WHICH IS SAYING A LOT) with all the lip biting and blinking and squinting she thinks is Acting. On the plus side, you got the look and feel of the northwestiest part of the Pacific Northwest exactly right. You even nailed the right color of gray.

Better luck next time,
Maggie

Dear Good People Of The Internet,
I will be receiving my very first pedicure EVER (I KNOW) Wednesday evening when I get to go to this. This morning I attempted to remove the chipped and not-applied-well-in-the-first-place blood-red nail polish, but now I just look like I have stained and diseased toes. It's going to be mildly embarrassing, Internet. Should I paint them over and let the professionals do the dirty work? Should I suck it up and own my ineptitude in nail polishing? HELP. I'm going to meet Local! Bloggers! and I'm already going to be a jittery stuttering dork, I don't need any additional judging on account of my ugly toes.

Love,
Maggie

Dear Television,

When is Mad Men coming back? And if I can't have Don Draper, can you give me some Logan Echolls repeats?

Hopefully,
Maggie

Dear My Sister,

Thank you for calling this afternoon and asking if you could come over. BLESS YOU. The boy woke up from his nap a whole hour earlier than usual. I think he's teething, what with all the fingers in his mouth and the not eating and the constant incessant whine of death (teething at two? two-year molars? or something?) and had you not been around to take him for a long glorious walk who knows what Phillip would have found when he arrived home from work. Thanks to you we played outside, I planted my flowers, I fed Molly dinner without fending off a toddler and Jack was worn out when we put him to bed. THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU. I know you hate your apartment but if you ever start thinking about moving, know that I will give you many buckets of dollars to keep you one block away.

Oh so gratefully,
Your Almost Unhinged Biggest Sister

Dear Birthday Cake,

I see you on the counter, taunting me with your leprechaun green frosting and your gooey gross decorations and your rich and delicious chocolate center. You think I'm going to leap over the table and scarf you down, but AU CONTRAIRE Birthday Cake. As soon as I hit publish I am going to take you and dump you into the trash because 1) green frosting is revolting and 2) Starburst candies should really be kept in their wrappers till right before consumption and 3) I am quite full of my Mother's Day chocolates, I don't NEED your chocolatey cakey scrumptious- OH WAIT. I shall resist you, Birthday Cake,.I SHALL.

Till we meet again,
Maggie

Comments

[Becky aka StinkyLemsky]

I made my husband chocolate cake and chocolate icing last night for his birthday (both from scratch! bonus points!) and they are screaming at me from the kitchen now. One of the downfalls of working from home!

:)

As for the toenails, I'd SAY just keep them that way, but I would probably paint them out of embarassment. Do as I say and not as I do? :)

[Christina]

Dear Maggie,
You are the most fun blogger I read. I think your correspondance posts are especially awesome.

Your fan forever,
Christina

[Tami]

Dear Maggie...

My hats off to you! I'm impressed with your ability to resist the hypnotic charms of chocolate birthday cake. I don't know how you did it. I'm having a hard enough time ignoring the call of Alek's strawberry birthday cake and I DON'T EVEN LIKE STRAWBERRY CAKE!

Keep up the great work,

Tami

[-R-]

My toenails are chipped and ugly and kind of yellow-y. Pedicurists totally don't care. They will fix them. And the other people getting pedicures aren't going to look at your toes before they're painted, so don't worry about it!

I ALWAYS have the huge gap between my waist and jeans. I hate it.

[Christiana]

Oh, Maggie, I love you!
On the toes: anyone who has ever fancied dark red nail polish knows it stains your nails to a disgusting color, so do whatever you want because neither the nail techs nor the other ladies are going to judge you for the funky color of your toes.

On the GAP jeans: My favoritest pair of jeans EVER were from GAP, but I went back a couple of months later and despite the fact that I was wearing the good pair and could check to see exactly what I was looking for, I could never find another pair to fit properly again. Ugh. And they're $80 now?!?! I thought $50 was bad 6 years ago.

On Twilight: Loved the books, hated the movie. Appologized profusely to my husband for making him sit through it. Didn't like it for different reasons than you, but still. I much preferred the books. Will not likely watch sequels. The first one ruined it for me.

On Logan Echolls: How is nobody playing Veronica reruns? Awesome show that totally deserves a rerun following. If I can still find Saved By the Bell reruns, why not Veronica Mars? To quote Lily: "The world is ready for you, Veronica Mars."

On The Cake: Good for you. I dumped the spare cupcakes and cake from Caroline's birthday off on my husband's coworkers. It's never as good the next day anyhow. :)

[Redbecca]

A friend of mine has the same problem RE The Gap. Her solution is Talbots. Says they fit like a dream.
My fave pair of The Gap jeans are many years old and heaven help me when they wear out. Haven't found another pair like them, ever.
I have the same tallness issue with BR. Even have a lovely pair of pants I've yet to wear because I've yet to hem them. Probably they don't even fit because I bought them a few years ago when I was still "slender."

I want to know when if ever I'll get Runway back. Sigh.

And you need to come work in our new home's amazing gardens suffering from 3 years of neglect and hostas the size of wine barrels. Seriously, open invitation to all those who need to get their gardening fix.

[Shelby]

I'm totally with you on Twilight the movie! I'm not Bella's biggest fan as it is, but I didn't like Kristen Stewart in the role at all. I imagine I'll probably watch the other movies, more out of curiousity than a burning desire to see them.

[Elizabeth]

Wait wait wait wait. You've never had a pedicure?
Ok, well, the whole point of going to get one is to have the ugliest most chipped polish ever, and then they have this insane remover and they get all of it off for you. That's the worst part to do yourself! Let them take it off.

Also, I get that Gap too, but the long and lean jeans aren't too bad. I also like the Mossimo jeans at Target and the american eagle jeans even though I am not 12.

[Jen]

I broke up with Gap jeans a while ago too. They changed their styles and they were all coming already worn out too. Plus, they were $50 then and that was TOO much. I now get $20 jeans from JC Penney. And wear a belt because I get that same gap too.

[Carrie]

Re: toes- I'm sure they've seen everything. I'd leave them as is.

Just wanted you to know- I am giving your blog the One Lovely Blog Award. Details here: http://growingababyinseattle.blogspot.com/2009/05/one-lovely-blog-award.html

[Charlotte]

Oh Maggie.

Gap Jeans: No, no, no, no, no. I hate them. I don't go anywhere near that place. No, no, no, no, no. Favor? Try on Joe's Jeans in the Honey fit. Now. I'll wait. [taps foot] Yes, they cost a bit more, but you can a) get them on sale at a deep discount especially since these here economic times have the good people at Saks marking down like crazy, b) by them from Neiman Marcus On Call or Off Fifth or your local outlet equivalent for roughly the same price of a pair from the Gap.

Twilight: Do remind me why perfectly sane people bother with it.

Cake: You have refused cake? [deep waisted bow of awe and reverence]

Mad Men: My TiVo caught a repeat of 'The Inheritance'. Then I kissed it. I may or may not have whispered sweet nothings. And spooned it. For a while. All night. Maybe. After I actively tried to find Betty's white dress and wondered aloud about getting a copy made.

[Lindsay]

Yep. Same problem with Gap and BR. I buy them anyway with intentions of phoning the seamstress to fix them. But since I'm afraid of the telephone like everyone else in the internet they just sit in my closet lauging at me.

So annoying.

And people are right. Your blog is my fave also. That's probably up there with hair cut and weight loss compliments but it's true!

[Kate P]

Agreed that Gap/BR jeans are wayyy too long. (Disagree with fit b/c I am not built like any other women I know, and have a pair at tailor's getting shortened.)

Pedicurists will not judge you for having stained, chipped, or even hobbit toes. Tip well and they forgive everything.

Twilight: Loved first two books, hated third, still can't finish last. . . Movie was better than expected. Not fond of other cast members but actually like Stewart. Am convinced I read different book from everyone else.

[janey]

I once had a roommate who, elated at finding a pair of jeans that she wouldn't have to hem, came out of the dressing room to show off...only to have the sales clerk comment that they were suppose to be capris! So, yes jeans are way too long! Remember that nail people work on 80-year-olds, too. Nothing you show them is even going to phase them, so just go as is. MMMmmmmmm cake. Maybe you should just take one bite before tossing it?

[Susan (5 Minutes for Mom)]

You crack me up!!!

First, I must address the toes. Are you kidding me??? No one is going to judge your pre-pampered toes. That's what we're there for. Mine are a mess!!!

Second, the Gap. Totally. Their jeans suck. Go to Old Navy.

Third, this weekend, I lost my battle with my daughter's birthday cake. I resisted temptation until late at night, on my way to bed, I weakened and ate far too much. (Okay, this actually happened two nights in a row with cakes from both of her two parties.)

[Jessica]

You nailed exactly how I feel about the Twilight movie.
I luuuuuuved the books, but the movie.. bleh.

I talk to my TV, too.
If I ever have another kid, I desperately want to name him Logan. I miss Logan.

[Sarah in Ottawa]

Dear Maggie,

Mad Men will be back in August (hooray!). Also - do you not own VM on DVD? If not - this situation must be rectified. Let me know.