So here's the unedited, poorly organized deal

I'm not sure if we've ever seen this precise scene, but I'm betting that when Don Draper gets home from work, Betty Draper does not immediately launch herself into a soliloquy that begins with, "I've had the HARDEST day, you would not BELIEVE these children, Sally drank the rest of my wine AGAIN" etc. I'm betting Don Draper wants his dinner, a stiff drink and a cigarette. And until he's had these things, he's not terribly interested in Betty's day, much less helping with the kids.

Of course, Betty probably isn't doing those things either, as she has Carla to kick around, and also, hello, 50 years ago, but I think bits of that Mother and Father stereotype are still around. A stay-at-home wife elated to participate in her first adult conversation of the day up against a dad who needs a few minutes to himself to unwind from a hard day at work. There are books about it, I've heard friends talk about it. But in my house only one of us fits the stereotype. I often don't remember to ask Phillip about his day until I've blurted every last detail of mine; meanwhile he walks in the door, washes his hands and feeds Molly, plays with Jack and helps me finish dinner, even on his rough days.

If you weren't convinced I lucked out in the husband department, are you now?

Those are the average days, at least. My average days require a morning outing, a half decent afternoon nap and two or three small accomplishments- a blog post hammered out, the floor swept, laundry folded, weeds pulled. The great days leave me chattier than usual, but the bad days? The rotten nap and bad behavior and stuck inside days? It's almost physically impossible for me to say a word.

At the end of a hard day I just... shut down. I turn into Don Draper. Phillip gets home and the most I can eke out is a quiet "Hi". I'm not mad or upset with him, I'm not even really upset with the kids. I just don't want to talk. I don't want to rehash my day and I don't have the mental resources to listen to his. I've spent the whole day wondering how I can get one kid to sleep or eat or stop driving me round the bend with his constant disobedience, but I don't want to do it all over with Phillip. Not until I've had my own dinner, a stiff drink and a cigarette, by which I mean an unnecessary Target purchase.

We've had an unusually rough couple of weeks. It's not always the kids- Phillip and I both had big deadlines (although not equally big- I had to produce 200 lemon bars by Saturday morning, he had to finish his grad school application). But then factor in Molly deciding she no longer liked sleeping through the night, the weeks' early emergence of the Terrible Twos, a half dozen Must Accomplish items. I've had more than my usual number of Shut Down days, when Phillip gets home and the first thing I say is, "When the kids go to bed, I have to get out of here."

So last week, as Phillip was dinking around with his grad school essay and I was trying to finish 800 things plus give the grad school essay the ole Former English Major Smackdown, I was slowly going nuts. It felt like too much. It felt like too much plus a giant helping of It's Not Going To Get EASIER If/When Phillip Goes To School, What Are You THINKING? I'd lay awake at night wondering if I was setting myself up for two years of not speaking to Phillip- not because we'll be arguing, but because I'll simply be too tired to engage. He'll be in class on Friday nights, all day on Saturday. He'll be studying when he gets home from work. He'll be writing and reading and learning and moving forward and I'll be... perfecting the grilled cheese sandwich?

I felt... I don't know what I felt. But I felt it all over- underneath my shoulderblades, in a heartbeat I could hear in my ears, in jittery hands that strip searched the pantry and refrigerator looking for contraband chocolate. I knew I wasn't doing well, but I didn't know what I could do to feel better. I subjected Phillip to numerous If/When You Go To Grad School conversations about the kids and date nights and insurance and grandparents and school loans and study hours and what if I resent him for getting to do something new and different while I'm stuck at home doing more and more of the same, what if I feel even more separated from his working world and he from our home? Oh, poor Phillip and his wackjob of a wife.

I readily admit to be a walking case of paranoia. A high functioning case of paranoia, but come on, you read the blawg, you know I'm not all even keeled up in the cranial region. And last week- dear GOD. Be thankful I opted for Blog Hiatus over Repeated Krazy Lady Freak Outs.

(Not that you noticed. Well, Christiana sent me a very nice are-you-still-alive email, bless you Christiana, but everyone else moseyed along, as you would, even my MOM didn't pester me for grandbaby pictures, so POINT TAKEN, INTERNET. Shall hiatus more frequently.)

I guess I thought there'd come a time when I wasn't insecure about the stay-at-home-mom gig. Or about not having a career or a Job To Go Back To or an advanced degree or even an INTEREST in doing something other than taking care of my kids. I'm a little disappointed in myself. I want this for Phillip, really really want it, would not have spent hours editing the hell out of his "personal statement" if I did not want it. But these days our worlds already feel so separate- I wonder what two years of grad school will do to that divide.

Tonight, though, it feels manageable, mostly because all of last week's parts are put away. Phillip's essay slid in before the deadline. The lemon bars were baked. We even tried the two-in-one-room thing again and HOLY WOW it might just be working. We have an adorable play kitchen set up in the living room. I finally figured out what to do for Jack's birthday. I might even have a chance at losing a pound or two this coming week, now that my weekend of dim sum and tea parties is over. (Note to the two of you who read Hot By Thirty: I will post on Weigh In Monday, but I am not actually weighing in. I think I've been through enough trauma lately.)

Aaaaand I've now concluded my forty-seventh attempt at writing this out. I think we can all agree I get a big FAIL in that regard, but it's late. I need to go to bed on time to make up for last night when I was up till one talking my husband off his play kitchen assembly ledge, so this will have to do.

It's occurred to me that Betty Draper would have a glass of wine first. Excellent plan, Betty.

Comments

[Lori]

Is there a Mother's Day Out program around you somewhere? When our son was an infant, my husband took care of him during the day and went to school at night. I worked during the day. One day a week, usually Thursdays, our son went to some kind of day care just so hubby could have a sanity day. Just knowing you can get away for a few hours weekly to run errands or do nothing might make a big difference. You're doing a great job!

[Tracy]

well, as I made my way through the over one hundred unread posts in my Google Reader, I did notice that there wasn't much from you. I was going to go back and see if you'd been out of town or something, but this explains everything.

(I was out of town. for 5 days straight. first day home was spent doing laundry and cleaning house. 2nd day was spent with church etc. read blogs yesterday evening for a long while. need more sleep now. but need to play volunteer mommy at school.)

Take it easy and take any breaks you need - you are worth it.

[Mary]

Don't hiatus more! I would have noticed if I hadn't been on vacation for the past week. Besides, writing can be cathartic, as I'm sure you well know. Everybody goes through valleys and peaks, so don't get down on yourself about it. I think you sound like a totally rational, normal person with reasonable concerns and fears. But take heart! Before you know it, your kids will be less work, more fun, and you'll probably start thinking a third baby would be nice.

[Elsha]

I missed you Maggie! I just feel like it's a little hypocritcal of me to hassle people about posting when I only get around to it like once a week.

Even though I am practically counting the days until my husband is out of school and I can stay home I wonder sometimes if I'll be as secure about myself once I'm there as I am when I'm working.

[Rosemary]

We noticed you weren't posting! Of course.

And you know I don't think you're quite as crazy as you think - or maybe it is that you don't realize that the rest of us are just as crazy as or crazier than you!

[Manda]

Oh dear, this IS a doozy. Can I just say that I feel ya? John is just finishing grad school after three years and I'm pretty sure we need counseling. Or I need counseling. Or SOMETHING. This whole work three jobs and go to school thing has DONE ITS THING on us. Sigh.

[Elizabeth]

No extra hiatiuses! I miss you when you're gone.
I have this feeling all the time - Erik has his PhD - but what's MY thing? If it's being a mom you'd think I'd be better at it.

[Nessa]

Please don't go on hiatus more often. If I only have five minutes - you are the one I read. It helps to read someone voiceing their anxiety while I bottle mine in!

It's ok to feel this way. I should bake you some brownies and express mail them. They'd probably make it there in time, if I don't eat them all first!

[Lisa]

If you substitute "business trips" for "grad school applications", our last few weeks have been pretty much the same as yours. I only have the one kid to contend with, but she's been having sleep issues AND the terrible twos (six months two early), so I feel your pain. Sometimes it just feels overwhelming. I'm hoping that things settle down soon, but looking at the calendar...small chance of that happening!

[el-e-e]

For the record, to agree with Rosemary, I don't think you seem AT ALL mentally imbalanced. I think you're normal like the rest of us, trying to get through every day.

Those weeks/conversations are not easy. ((hugs))

[Christiana]

You were certainly missed and not just by me! :)

I understand how you feel - I miss having something more interesting to tell my husband about my day than how many times she made a mess in her diaper.

I'm totally agreeing w/ Elizabeth above who said "if my thing is being a mom, shouldn't I be better at it?"

I think you're perfectly normal - or as normal as the rest of us. And you're doing a great job.

[Sarah in Ottawa]

I missed you, Maggie! But I didn't want to hassle you because I can barely update a blog with one baby, so I figured that you were just busy with life stuff.

And I think it is totally natural for you to be feeling this way. I struggle with guilt over my 'ambition ambivalence', especially since I am a woman trained in an area dominated by men. Am I giving in the the patriarcy b/c I don't want to vault to the top positions? You are handling this with MUCH more grace than I would be. I fear I'd be resenting the heck out of my spouse if I were faced with a similar circumstance.

[Sonetka]

Maggie - If I may ask, what sort of program is Phillip applying for? My husband is in grad school right now and is close to finishing up; we have a three-year-old and a four-month-old who were both born while he was in the program and I stayed at home. There have been advantages and disadvantages - the main disadvantage being income; living off of even a generous grad student stipend isn't the easiest. HOWEVER - his schedule has been much, MUCH more flexible. When the second baby came, he was able to stay home with us for two weeks - as we have no family in the area this was a huge boon for my sanity. Day-to-day type stuff has also been comparatively easy; if I'm having a really, really bad day and just need help NOW, even if it's 3 PM, he can come home with no bother. (Of course, if he's on programming roll and calls to tell me that he'd like to stay until 10 PM, is that OK? that also works out. It's not ALL one way!) It has to be much different going in with children, as opposed to picking up the children once you're already in it, I just wanted to say that it can be done and in some ways it can make things easier.

(Feel free to email me if you want to compare specifics - I don't know too many people in our particular situation so it's always good to compare notes).

[Redbecca]

We just moved to our new (first!) house on Friday, and didn't have all the rooms finished painted, and hadn't finished packing - were up at 2am on Thursday packing the kitchen, and it was just insanity. On Friday night after the movers had gone and a mad dash to Ikea in DC Friday afternoon rush hour traffic and back for some missing parts to my son's dresser and racing to finish it before said son went to bed so his room would look "normal" (and we'd have a place to change his diaper!), I calmly announced to my husband and Mother in Law that I would have my hysterical meltdown freakout on Sunday night, but would keep it all together until then. After a big meal of I don't even remember what at this point I felt much better and calmed down quite a bit. I'm still feeling very frazzled, but I totally feel you and know exactly where you are. My husband has to have a good 30 minutes of shut down when he gets home from work. I dont' get that shutdown and would love to have it, but instead I get to play with son and feed him while husband takes a vege on the couch.
I guess my point is to make sure you get sleep and for heaven's sake EAT because low blood sugar can completely warp reality, get help when you need it, don't be afraid to ask for it, and if Philip can handle walking in the door to childcare, you are one lucky woman!!

[Amanda]

For the record - I NOTICED! But, I figured since you were MIA from Teh Blog, you'd be equally MIA from Teh Emails. Thus, I didn't stalk you... next time... I will!

And you already know how I feel about the Fabulous Philip and his list-o-plenty duties that he accomplishes that my Not-So-Darling Husband does NOT. I can't imagine what grad school would do to him/ME!

But! You know Philip will do all he can to assist in the House and Children Department. I understand if you feel jealous (it's not WRONG to feel this way). I'm jealous that my husband gets to speak to grown-ups all day and he's jealous that I get to "hang out at the house". Right, hanging out. THAT'S what I'm doing...

Point being - You'll survive AND we will all be right here to hear about it! Swear.

[Christina]

Oh I hear you. Oy do I hear you. With the feeling overwhelmed and like Hubby is doing Significant Things whilst I struggle to make it through the day without buying myself a ticket to the funny farm. And the grad school thing? Been there, done that, kinda really hated it. But mostly because Hubby was so stressed and "working" (either real work or school work, couldn't ever really tell the difference) all the dang time. But I didn't really feel like he was growing away from me intellectually or anything. He's the same guy he always was. :-)

And hey, I noticed you were MIA, but like everyone else figured you were busy. I am forever amazed at the way you keep up with the daily blogging so it is nice to hear you are in fact human too! :) But, don't do it again! Rant away on your blog - that's what it's here for!

[Kate P]

It's not that we didn't miss you--it's just that we're polite and don't demand that you post when we want you to (unlike some other bloggers' experience with rude readers--not here!). Well, I knew about the cranking out lemon bars part, anyway.

All I can offer is, "This too shall pass." Hang in there, kiddo. :)