In which I sound kind of snippy but I'm not, promise

I would have liked to call DO OVER on today, but the universe doesn't see fit to give me do over authority. It started out with a poo-in-the-tub incident moving on to an hour of Dual Force Whining then laundry, refusing to eat, naps (thank you Jesus) and, yes, more television. God bless my father-in-law, who is somewhat of The Molly Whisperer, and showed up at Just Past Nap O'Clock to save my wits.

As I sat on the couch this morning, nursing one baby and patting the toddler head in my lap, staring at the clock thinking, "Yeah, that trip to Target, for things I ACTUALLY NEED, is definitely not going to happen," I pondered the predicament of the stay at home mother.

I visit my parents at their house nearly every week. We leave in the morning and come home after dinner (although we haven't for the last several weeks due to the girl who will not nap anywhere but her own crib and OMG IT IS NOT WORTH IT) and I think all of us really enjoy it. It's a break in the routine, I get some (okay, TONS) of help, and I'm so glad my kids are so familiar with their grandparents. (Both sets. Isn't that great?) Anyway. I bring this up because the other night Phillip and I were talking about Two Children, Difficulty Of and our roles as Working Parent and Stay At Home Parent and would you believe my darling husband said something along the lines of, "I wish I got every Friday off."

OOOOH that bugged me. I didn't say anything (hi Phillip!) because I think on the surface it's true. My mom bathes and feeds and plays with Jack, she even puts him down if I want her to. And I let my family do as much with Molly as Molly will allow. Many's the Friday I've spent naptime half asleep on the sofa with a book on my stomach, a rare sight in my own house. So yeah, I do get a pretty significant break.

But I wouldn't say I get the day OFF. And I was thinking about that while, again, NURSING one child and holding the other child in what was left of my lap with my free arm, letting go all the things I'd wanted to accomplish that morning, giving of myself QUITE LITERALLY to my two still-sick, unhappy babies. That's my job. I'm on call 24/7. I might get some reinforcements but I never get the day OFF. I'm always going to be THE MOM.

It's why, when Jack was Molly's age, I'd get so irrationally upset when Phillip would get home from work and use the bathroom before taking the baby out of my arms. How dare he just use the bathroom whenever he wants! And why I'd turn red with rage when he wouldn't realize someone needed to eat, or that we needed to bring diapers, or any of the things that are so MY JOB.

My sister once asked me what I think is the hardest part of being a mom. The hardest part is (DUH) always always always always putting them first. That sounds horrible, doesn't it? OF COURSE you put your kids first, but it's not just the big stuff. It's the teeny stuff. Even their daily routine, their every day random whateverness comes before yours. It's why I don't shower unless the nap schedule is in alignment, why I don't eat lunch till two or three, why I don't go to the bathroom by myself, why I haven't been to playgroup in a month, why I haven't left Molly longer than two hours, why my house looks like Toys R Us and why I do twenty loads of laundry a week. And, of course, that's the way I want it. That's my job and I LIKE my job. But it's not easy. And until my daughter starts taking a bottle and my husband whisks me off to our mountain lodge weekend, I do not get a day off.

I just reread this and maybe it sounds like I'm Upset. I'm not. Today was hard, but The Rage wasn't anywhere near. And my husband is washing the dishes and chatting about his day and I eventually went to Target after bedtime and had myself some retail therapy and all is well. I just want to say, you know, when you're the mom? You don't get days off. And some day both of your kids will be howling and the only way to make them feel better is to pile them into yourself and forget all about how if you don't get to the store today you'll be brushing your teeth with baking soda tomorrow.

New post up at Hot By Thirty. It's about pants. I swear, half of what I write over there is about pants. I wouldn't read it either.

Comments

[antonia]

I totally know how you feel--and I only have 1!

xx

[Jen Pierce]

Overeard at Chez Blog Nerd: "It's like you think you're ENTITLED to go to the bathroom whenever you want!"

Not sayin' who said it to whom. M'just SAYIN'.

[Tracy]

I hear you.

24/7/365 - such a cliche, but also so true.

and a day off... is heavenly - even if it doesn't happen often!

[Jennifer]

SO TRUE! Just this past weekend, as my husband was still asleep on Saturday morning, I was up fixing breakfast. It then occured to me that the weekends mean even MORE work for me. Because I actually fix breakfast and therefore have to clean the kitchen afterwards. It never ends. My house, too, looks like a disorganized Toys R' Us, the laundry never ends, the kitchen always seems dirty, and I have a constant fear that someone will unexpectantly come over. The horror! All this to say, there's an old saying that I read not too long ago:

"A man's work is from sun to sun, but a mother's work is never done."

Amen to THAT.

[Tara]

Um, YES.

I've been fighting The Resentment towards A lately-- not for anything that he does intentionally-- but because he has A LIFE. Freedom, adult interaction, when he's gone he doesn't have to hurry and worry about if the baby is going to get hungry, etc. *&$#!

[Ashley]

Yes yes yes! I could have written this post! I can't complain too much about my husband, but it's just DIFFERENT for moms than it is for dads, especially stay-at-home moms. I read something a while back about how many couples fall into a routine of having one "default" parent (usually the mother), with the other parent being the "helper". I think the "helper" parent never realizes how much more work the "default" parent is really doing in regards to caring for the kids and taking care of the house. It's hard to find a balance, especially with one at-home parent and one working outside the home.

[Liz]

Haha. After last week beat me down, Adam went out with his friend on Saturday night. For adult beverages and hanging out. Until 11:30. I cried myself to sleep with jealousy. But then again, if I went out all I would want is to be home with my bebe. Sigh. the balance.

[Jess]

I don't think you sound upset. You're clearly explaining how it works. And you're right. That's the thing about being a mom. I can totally understand where the rage was coming from, but I don't sense any in this post.

[jackie]

Ooh. Poo in the tub. That'll ruin anyone's day.

[Lisa]

Amen, Sistah! My husband doesn't always get it either. He spends half and hour with a fussy toddler and gives me the glare-of-exasperation, which I completely ignore because SERIOUSLY? I have spent all day with the fussy toddler! You cannot! complain! after 30 minutes! of fuss! Also, you cannot sneak off to look at the computer as soon as said toddler is occupied with a toy or Mommy because REALLY? You haven't seen her ALL DAY! And she goes to bed at 7:00! Get your computer time in then, mister!

[Jen]

It's not the putting the kid first that is so hard, I think. It is the ALWAYS NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR ONE SECOND putting the kid first. I can't sleep unless she does and I can't eat unless she lets me. Even when Matt has her, I don't get a break because I am the source of food and knowledge.

[Arwen]

I think Bryan was taken aback when I told him recently that I am jealous of the time he gets to spend driving to and from work. But it's true! 2.5 hours a week he gets, awake and completely alone, free to listen to whatever he wants on the car radio and enjoy the sweetness of solitude.

I would never want to leave my babies and go to work every day. But the time it takes to drive there? That amount of time away from them I could definitely use.

I also have gotten upset because Bryan seems to believe he has a God-given *right* to go to the bathroom unaccompanied. He points out that when he is home I am free to go unaccompanied as well... but if I lock the bathroom door, 4 times out of 5 the 2-year-old will come and pound on it, so what good does it do me?

It is silly but it is the way that the 24/7 job of motherhood sometimes makes me feel.

On my good days I try to focus on the fact that I have hundreds of opportunities a day to become a better, less selfish person. But I don't manage that every day.

[Sara]

I took the car in for a car wash last weekend, I was gone for 30 minutes, and upon my arrival back home my husband asked if I enjoyed my "break away from the baby". He was dead serious. Sigh.

[Elsha]

You are so right on. I try to remind myself just how lucky I am that my husband actually understands the unending demands of being at home. He is a student so he's home with our 10 month old 3 days a week. I just hope he remembers it all when he goes to work and I'm at home!

[Christina]

It gets better. Totally. When they aren't babies and can do things for themselves, you DON'T always have to put them first. At least, not for everything. I mean, I'm still a slave to the random middle of the night crying and the day is over because a child is sick and well, a million other things. BUT, I can also DELEGATE some of the work to the older kids! And they whine and complain and act like the world is ending but oh well, that is how they build CHARACTER!! :-)

ps... You're right, Husband DON'T get it. Sometimes they pretend to get it, but they really don't.