Forget the Awesome Wife Trophy

Phillip and I had a long annoying fight last night. And the reason it was long and annoying was because I was waltzing around what I really wanted to say, which was: "For the love of God, if I can manage to rinse out my dishes while taking care of two kids YOU CAN TOO."

But of course I didn't come right out and say that, because DUDE, PETTY MUCH? and there was lots of talk about Judging and Expectations and Standards and Do You Think I Care Too Much and just be glad you were home watching The Biggest Loser or whatever it is you do on Tuesday nights instead of hanging out with us.

About a year ago I went through my little SAHM Identity Crisis. I was talking about it with a friend one day and, ever insightful, she helped me see that I was feeling a loss of power. I don't think being a SAHM is truly powerless or anything like that, but when you go from earning money and working full time to staying home with an uncommunicative helpless blob overnight, it can sure feel that way. And when your husband is doing his own thing and you are doing yours and the Spheres are Separated, it's just super hard to navigate.

And, a year later, it's still hard. I often wonder if I would struggle with these things if I were working. Even if I were working just part time, maybe the housework and childcare responsibilities would feel different somehow.

It's funny, because I love my job. I love staying home with these kids, even if one of them has been a pathetic little snot machine for the past week. But sometimes I want some time off, like last night when I went out with friends, and then I expect my husband to cover for me. And I want him to do everything the way I do it. And care about the things I care about. And see the house the way I see it. I think these things, even though I feel guilty about leaving him alone with the kids, because I know how much work it is. I'm fluttering between I Shouldn't Make Him Do This Alone and How Hard Was It To Put A Dish In The Sink? Neither of which are really the right things to think.

I don't know how I can be protective and resentful at the exact same time. Owning my job and being proud of what I do, and constantly irritated that he has to ask me what to make for lunch or what to put in the diaper bag.

It totally feels like a power struggle, but weird and warped and taking place between the different parts of me rather than between me and Phillip. Maybe? I sat there last night thinking, "What is my problem? Why can't I just be happy he watched the kids so I could go out [for HOURS, mind you] to hang out with friends? What ARE my expectations?"

I still don't know how to look at this life, I guess. Totally wanting to be doing what I'm doing, and still annoyed because it's more mine than his. For a while I thought the answer hearkened back to my grandmother's day, when things were clear. Grandpa worked, Grandma took care of the house. Except I was talking to her the other day and asking her if Grandpa ever helped with the kids. And instead of being surprised that I would ask such a thing, she snapped, "No, he just sat there reading a BOOK." So, uh, maybe it wasn't easier.

Aaaand  who knows what I'm writing about anymore. Molly needs to eat, Jack needs his diaper changed and I am in dire need of a shower. I bet you can smell me through the computer.

Comments

[Jess]

The thing that's frustrating is that there really isn't a right answer. Maybe if you were still working you wouldn't struggle with exactly these things, but you would be struggling with different things instead. And they would probably be similar. Questions about division of labor and balance in the relationship are always going to arrive when you're dealing with two small children and managing a household, no matter how it all breaks down.

Which isn't to say that your thoughts and introspection aren't worthwhile. I think they totally are. I just think that the best we can all do is make the decision that works best for us and our families and fight it out sometimes when we encounter a kink.

[Carrie]

I'm worried about this issue myself, as I dont think I'm going to be working after baby #2 arrives next year, given that 50% of my income goes to daycare already, and there's no way I'm working to bring hom less than $100 per month, which is what it would be if I worked part-time and had two kids in daycare.

I think it is going to change things for us, and we're going to have to revise our expectations. Like right now, I expect him to take some of the 5 AM feedings, since I have to get up and work three days a week. And I expect him to help out around the house a little, since I'm working too. But when I was off on maternity leave before, and probably when I am again, I didn't have those expectations, since my role was different. And it was hard, even though I was pretty much the one making the decisions about who does what.

Adulthood is hard. Marriage is (good, but) hard. I keep waiting for the instruction list, but apparently there isn't one. Darn it.

Mosaic was cool. You must stop avoiding me and come with us next time :)

[Carla]

Wow, I could have written this post. My husband works alot of hours, but with the economy the way it is, I'm finding him home more and more. He just doesn't understand my system and how it works and WHY it works.

Deep breaths seem to get me through...

[Tara]

"I'm fluttering between I Shouldn't Make Him Do This Alone and How Hard Was It To Put A Dish In The Sink?"

I completely feel you on this one. And the whole post, really. It's hard because our jobs and our lives are pretty much one in the same. And most of the time that's OK, though other times it is highly frustrating.

[Gina]

I feel completely the same way and I am a full time working Mom. I often think that I would like to be a stay at home mom because then I wouldn't have to come home from a long day, do the housework, groceries, shopping, packing lunches while the whole time I would like to be spending the few hours I get playing with my son. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side! I thought as both my husband and I were working full time that the parenting and household duties would be more evenly shared and I easily become resentful that the one day he makes dinner I have to tell him what to make and if we have the groceries for it.

I agree Parenting is hard, marrage is hard, lack of sleep is hard and in the end these are the moments we are going to look back on fondly, remembering only the good times.

[Christiana]

OMG, get out of my brain. You are saying exactly what I'm feeling (only more clearly than I can think it) about htis new role that I'm now playing (my first-born in 9 months old). It's a weird feeling, but thanks for putting it out there. I needed that.

[Lisa]

I think it's a universal truth that Mom just KNOWS what to feed the child and how many diapers and snacks to stock before heading out to Target, and Dad has difficulty parenting in the absence of Mom. Even my Dad, who was the world's greatest Dad, isn't sure what to do with a baby all by himself. I think they grow into their full Dad selves when little ones are old enough to, you know, communicate and reason and form complete sentences.

[Jessica]

I've had a cold since last wednesday. And my husband happens to have a little stomach ache and he's completely ignored me and both children for the last three nights. THREE NIGHTS. I am sorry you have bowel issues, but for the love of God I have gone through 2 full boxes of kleenex and an entire bottle of Dayquil. But I don't get to just go to bed whenever I feel like it.

Whew... that felt good. Thanks for this cathartic post.

[Meg]

I was just having this conversation (tearfully and tinged with PMS-fueled resentment) with my husband the other day. My son is almost 22 months old, but he just started waking up every two hours during the night, like he did as a newborn. I have to be the one that gets up with him every time, and I also do every early morning. My husband has gotten up in the morning with Jack four times since his birth. Plus, I'm up late doing housework, getting things prepped for the next day, and trying to also fit workouts in. I do baths five nights a week, and on the 2 nights my hubby is expected to bathe Jack, he always weasels out of one of them. I do all the cooking, too.

I don't know what goes through the minds of men. We were leaving the house the other day, and it was hubby's job to get the boy ready to go. Thankfully, I happened to check the diaper bag he had thrown in the van, and found it-gasp-completely empty. Maybe he was going to craft his own diapers out of leaves and duct tape?

Ugh, I needed this rant. I won't even get started on more personal issues like the completele disappearance of intimacy and romance in the relationship. I think all of these issues are just what all women go through, but it still really sucks.