Tis the season to be crazy

I spent my entire pregnancy with Jack preparing for post-partum depression. Go wander through the 'anxiety' archive over there if you're interested in my evidence as to why I am a PRIME candidate for post-baby crazy. I thought for sure it would happen to me. I was banking on it. But it didn't happen. In fact, the first four or five months of Jack's life were some of the most anxiety-free days I've had.

(Note: crazy person anxiety, not normal person anxiety. I make it sound as if taking care of a new baby was nothing to write home about. AU CONTRAIRE. But the crazy person anxiety, it was nonexistent.)

With Molly I was not going to assume I'd get another free ride. Molly was due in September, right when the crazy starts to sneak back in. FOR SURE it would happen this time. But it hasn't. I feel great. I feel a HELL of a lot better than I did at ANY point while pregnant. And it is for this reason that I have diagnosed myself as the sort of person who experiences PRE-partum depression anxiety instead of POST-partum. I'm sure there is a medical term for this somewhere, right? Because what other explanation can there be?

Pregnant with Jack and Molly = total nutcase.

In the haze of taking care of newborn Jack and Molly = picture of mental health.

Even though I'm feeling rather On Top Of The Worldy anxiety-wise these days, I still asked my doctor to check my vitamin B and D levels at my appointment this morning. My anxiety stuff always comes back to haunt me in October and I've kind of been wondering when it's going to start. So far so good, but I've been doing this long enough to know I can't count on anything. I don't know whether October is a bad month because it's the time of year when all this stuff started for me, or if the dismal weather up here plays a part. I'm guessing it does, based on how gloomy I feel when it's dark outside, hence the vitamin D check. Check out this article to find out why the average Seattleite starts going all goth and moody in the fall.

If it turns out my vitamin D levels are really low, my doctor can put me on a massive dose of the stuff and potentially make me feel better. If they're fine, I plan to get them checked again in a month or two, just to see. Especially if I start getting anxious.

I'm also going to buy a light box. I've been meaning to do this for a few years, but I always look into buying one when I'm feeling well, and then I balk at the cost. But, as someone put it to me recently, "You'd spend that in a nanosecond when you're anxious." Yes, yes I would.

I plan to keep doing the slacker treadmill thing and staying away from sugar, because as much as I don't want to admit it, I DO feel better when I'm not living on brownies.

There's more to say about this. About not wanting to put my little family through another winter of Anxious Me, about the kind of work it takes to stay above the water, but I hear Jack karate-chopping the crib and the kitchen is a disaster and someone wants to eat AGAIN, how is she hungry again ALREADY?

Are you doing anything to combat the season? Other than plying yourself with pumpkin bread and butternut squash lasagna? Because that really screws with my Hot By Thirty plan.

Comments

[Elizabeth]

Just between you and me, I've been thinking about going to the doctor to see about the crazy pills, because I have been feeling...uh, not great, lately. But maybe I will try dosing myself up with Vitamin D and buying a light box first. although i wont be making any crazy attempts to stay away from sugar :)

[Kate P]

Hmmm, you might be too be busy to get anxious/depressed. Very anxious/depressed, anyway.

I don't have my winter clothes out yet, and the cold weather is starting to bum me out. (Scraped frost off the windshield this morning!) Letting the cat curl up on my lap while I read mail/schoolwork is warm and relaxing--but I recognize not everyone likes cats. . .

[Charlotte]

You're going to loathe me for saying this but I looovvee this time of year. I'm happiest from late September to early April, it's all downhill from there. I beat my summer blues with gin, tennis, riding, Jo(h)ns Hamm and Slattery(happily joining the stalkerish bandwagon), have I mentioned gin? and service.

I know that you have two children, so the last part may not be possible, I also know that what I'm about to say will fill my schmaltz quotient for the year: few things make me feel better than hanging out at AIDSWalk or Dress for Success for a little bit and helping where they need me. Not just because it'll go on my application for sainthood but because it feels good to make a contribution.

[Pippi]

My daughter was born last October and I was worried because the lack of light and gloomy days here in Vancouver really get to me. It went a lot better than I thought I think it's because we went outside every. single. day. Rain or shine. I managed to get the dregs of vitamin D that got through the clouds. All the walking and exercise probably helped, too, but I think the sun ( the little that was there, anyway) really did it.

Good luck getting through the gloomy season. It really can play with a person's head.

[Lindsay]

You guys are such good parents for not just denying your mental health issues. The fact that you are all even monitoring and addressing your health probably enables you all to be pretty swell mommas over the long haul.

And not to be an ass, but I second the notion that I love fall. With Thanksgiving out of the way, and a lack of interest in Halloween, I am pretty much in Christmas mode already. Jolly Christmas mode, not stressed Christmas mode. Feel free to join me, all of you!

[Jess]

Torsten and I both got tested for vitamin D deficiency, and we both had it. Mine was mild so I take a supplement every day, but Torsten's was severe so he is taking one of those weekly massive doses. So far I haven't noticed a change in mood for either of us, but then I wasn't looking for one.

[Jenny Ryan]

October is hard for me too, for the same reasons.

I have a light box, and it makes a BIG difference. I recommend them to everyone.

[Sarah in Ottawa]

I'm so glad to hear that you are doing well with two kids. You are my hero. Seriously. You rock!

Living in the Ontario (much like spots like MI and NY and VT), October is really the nicest time of year. And then - grey November and snow. Though I will take snow and cold and SUN over the Pacific Northwest because I would NOT be a happy camper with the weather that gets to you.

That said - the light box is really awesome. For me - it is the darkness of January that does me in, especially since my busy time at work (office days that start in the dark at 6:30, hours in windowless interview rooms, then doing my real job after hours and heading home at 9 or 10) means I don't see anything but darkness. Blasting light while I eat breakfast may be the ONLY thing that gets me through those days.

Can I tell you - I am not sad that I am due in January this year. That way, someone ELSE has to work that schedule!!

[Jen]

I combat winter by living in Florida and not having one. It is "cold" outside recently- all the way down into the 70s! So, come visit. I'll entertain you.

[Claire]

You know, for as much as I love October and Fall and Halloween, I DO always start to feel sad around this time and what I try to do: drink a lot of tea but not all at once. A cup a night seems to make me happy. I also focus on the kinds of decorations I like for each holiday and put a lot into them. Small achievements. Then, I look for good things about Winter so that by January, I am not cursing the season and crying my eyes out.