The volatility index

I have a new mental exercise going on lately. It's called: Squaring My SAHM Status with These Desperate Times. In other words, what am I doing carving pumpkins with my kids while my husband puts the more-expensive-than-it-used-to-be food on the table?

Sure was fun!

I think the bit of SAHM guilt in me is showing itself in new and exciting ways. The guilt is there in the first place because I am constantly feeling like I'm getting away with something. I mean, I get to stay home and play with my kids instead of going to an office. Every single day! Even on the days when Jack decides that afternoon nap isn't worth his while (like today, hence the fork in my eye) I still can't really believe I get to do this.

"Aaaaand," says the guilt, "maybe you CAN'T!"

I've been reading a few trillion blogs about the Dire! Economy! and soaking up financial advice (which is funny because if there is one thing about which I know NOTHING it's finances) and getting all anxious and worried. Do we have enough in savings? Are we spending too much on groceries? Can I quit Target? People, I have recently agreed to give up my landline. HELL HATH FROZEN OVER.

And then I will sit and wonder if I should go out and get myself a job. I could work part time and not pay for childcare, due to the grandmothers who've often told me they'd step in and help. I could most definitely work a flexible work-from-home type job. The extra money would be super nice. When I look at that budget spreadsheet I slaved over and then never used, I wonder how we thought we'd manage all the things we manage and then I remember: I used to have a job. How are we going to refinance our house NOW? Now that I'm eating bon bons staying home with the kids all day?

I wouldn't feel confused except for the fact that in the last few weeks I've been mulling over the topic of Vocations and how very strongly I feel that I am supposed to be home with my kids. At this point in my life. I WANT to be doing this, but it's only recently that I've felt like this is a vocation. And that all the things that pop up in my life and shriek "TRY ME!" I need to put aside until my kids are bigger. These are mostly church things, different ministries here and there that sound interesting or fulfilling in some way. Or even just the fliers from the nursing home where I used to volunteer. I can't do that with two little kids. There's a LOT I can't do with two little kids. It's not that I shouldn't do those things, I just shouldn't do them right now.

And I wonder if a job fits into that as well. It is still somewhat miraculous to me that I don't have to work. We honestly didn't think we could manage on one income (and maybe if you checked out our finances you'd be wondering if we really ARE managing!) but we have yet to move into the cardboard box. And if circumstances aren't [yet] pointing me in that direction, maybe I am just supposed to stay home with my kids. And Fat the Bunny.

Didn't take long, did it?

Comments

[Jen]

Fat the Bunny and Molly look so happy together.

I've always wanted to stay home with my kids too. Work was just never right for me.

[Sarah]

I, too, have been struggling with this phase in my life. It's taken me a while to be okay with how little I sometimes get done. I also feel guilty when I let Moses play on the floor buy himself while I try and work. Right now (as in right this moment), I actually feel like we've got a decent balance. (In case you're wondering, Moses who's the same age as Jack goes to an in-home daycare two days a week while I teach one day and prep for class/run our farm business on the other). I don't make a ton, but I really like having a reason to shower and get out of the house my one day/week. That said, we're hoping for more and soon, so I'll have to struggle with this all over again.

[ashley.]

So, the questions of vocation never get any easier?

Blast.

I'm secretly hoping to stave of any "real career" and start having babies once my husband gets a real job.

I just don't find much fulfillment from work. I don't know if it's my fault or work's or if I'm a spoiled brat - but there you have it.

[Lisa]

Sometimes I feel this way too, but then I remember the few weeks I did work after bringing home baby, and it was SO not worth it! Olivia was so stressed out being shuffled around, and we all know how important schedules are for wee ones (even when they don't keep them). Even with all the lifestyle sacrifices to make our budget work, my husband and I both agree that this is best for us right now and that Olivia's happiness (and that of future kids) is worth the sacrifice.

[Emily]

You know what though? I work, during each and every naptime, and I work for at least an hour EVERY NIGHT, and I just took on a new freelance job that requires me to ask my mom to watch Asher for at least one half-day a week. And you know what? As much as I like contributing to the budget, I find that I'm resentful, too. Because DUDE, it's HARD to be a SAHM and earn a decent amount of money, and I end up whining about how no one appreciates me. I'm really annoying about it, even though I really like the security of the extra money. (I suck.)