One of the down days

I don't know what to do with Jack.

Somehow I got the three of us ready and into the car in time to go to the one and only playgroup we attend. I needed this playgroup. Surviving these initial days of Two Kids On My Own requires at least a two-hour afternoon nap. The last time we'd gone to playgroup Jack slept till nearly FIVE so that's what I was gunning for today, folks. A deliciously long afternoon nap, in which I would watch TV and catch up on blogs and read the paper and, oh yeah, make sure the other baby is fed and rested.

Once we got there, Jack spent the next several hours running around like a fool. The friend who hosted has a huge beautiful house a little ways out of the city and Jack probably didn't know what to do with all the ROOM. And all the DIFFERENT rooms. And the upstairs! And the backyard! I didn't mind too much when he flat out refused to eat the rest of his lunch and smirked at me every time I told him to COME BACK HERE because I was going to get a nice long afternoon to myself. ME ME ME.

Would you be surprised if I told you I've spent the last hour trying to get him to go to sleep?

That's not entirely truthful. He fell asleep in the car. He stayed sleeping when I put him in the crib. He woke up howling about forty-five minutes later. "Interesting!" I thought to myself, and continued eating my butternut squash soup (see: turning orange) and waited for him to quiet down. But he didn't. And it went on long enough that I thought maybe I should go upstairs and see what the fuss was about.

After ten or fifteen minutes of wondering what I should do, I finally picked him up and sat down with him in the rocking chair. I sang 'Baby Beluga' ninety-seven times. He fell back asleep. I put him in the crib. He woke up. And five minutes later he started crying.

That was about half an hour ago. He's not howling so much as loudly whining and I don't know what to do. He's tired. He needs to go back to sleep. I am not going back up there to get him.

I really really hate this part of being a mom. Not the work and not getting time to myself (although that IS a bummer), but the not knowing what to do. The older he gets the more I question what I'm doing in this whole parenting business. Molly is a piece of cake. Feed her, change her, wash her endless loads of spit up laundry. Molly makes me feel like I'm doing a good job. Jack, depending on the day, makes me feel like an idiot, a big fat meanie, incapable, incompetent, lazy, wondering if I should send myself to anger management counseling.

I don't know how to handle this emerging personality. I don't know how to make him listen to me. I don't know how to get him to eat. I am too tired to take him outside to play. I am too overwhelmed to get all of us out of the house. I don't know whether to be mean or firm or if my frustration is justified. I don't know if I should just let everything go. I don't know what to change. I don't know what to do when he's tired and won't sleep. I don't know if I should leave him there, yelling in his crib, or not.

God, I feel like such a crap mother right now.

Comments

[Lori]

As long as Jack is in a safe place, it is perfectly ok to let him whine or fuss while you get a much needed break. If you have a set time of day for nap time, he goes down at the appropriate time and if he doesn't sleep, you just go get him when the time is up. It is hard at first, but they do adjust. There are always going to be days that you feel you are mean and you want to be the nice parent, but you'll be much happier if you stick to your guns!

[Elizabeth]

I have no magic answers, but from someone who is also in the land of uncertainty, I know, I know, I know.
Sending you lots of (virtual) sugar free chocolate pudding.

[annie]

Oh Maggie. You're doing great! It's a huge undertaking, getting used to two. ESPECIALLY when #1 won't cooperate with the routine. Jacob is four months old and I'm still trying to figure out the balance. I don't have any magic solutions, but maybe it makes you feel better to know that you're not the only one going through all of this. Stay strong, mama. You're doing great.

[Dr. Maureen]

You ARE doing fine. YOU ARE. Jackson is testing you, finding your limits. At least, I think. Because I have no idea what I am doing either. No one does, Maggie. So you're not alone in feeling adrift. You'll figure out what to do with Jack, really. He is loved, so he is fine. He will recover from any mistakes, and will be better for it. Imagine having to live with a perfect mother? It would be horrible!

[Pippi]

I think parenting gets harder as they get older. I know it's physically tough with a baby -- the nightwakings, the carrying, the constant breastfeeding -- but it's so mentally tough as they get older. My daughter is 11 months and I'm so nervous about what's to come. You're not alone, chances are you'll do a lot of good things and make a few mistakes and it will all work out in the end. Mama's love makes up for a lot mistakes.

[kris]

It is so frustrating when my little girl decides to shorten a nap, but even more frustrating when I was counting on some time to myself! Some days I just need it a lot more than others. If it is one of those days, I do let her fuss in bed for awhile. I know I will be a much better mom if I take a little extra time to relax, and then be ready to face whatever comes next.
Totally with you though, on the not knowing what I'm doing. She is just starting to develop a little personality-and a stubborn one at that. She just turned one, and I think this next phase will be rough.

[Lisa]

I think it's tough with toddlers because it's training ground for future parenting. We are, after all, going to be parenting an individual who is entirely separate from us. This little person has his own personality and opinions and attitudes and preferences that may or may not resemble our own. Even though those are just starting to emerge, I think it's important for us parents to remember that WE make the rules and THEY aren't always going to like them, but these rules are in their best interests and that is that.

I agree...it is easier to care for an infant. Sleep deprivation aside, babies are like kittens or puppies. As long as you feed them and hold them and give them some love, they think you hung the moon. And then they grow up, get some awareness of their individuality in the world, and become completely ungrateful for all that we do for them in this tough job that is parenting. Can't wait for those teenage years!

[Emily]

Whenever Asher did this to me when he was Jack's age, I just went ahead and got him up from his nap and then put him to bed an hour earlier than usual to make up for it. Now, that's what worked for US, and it seemed to always work (he still slept just as late in the morning) but I definitely can't tell you if it would work for you. (It's always worth a shot!)

[Jess]

I know you feel like a crap mother, but you really, really aren't. You don't know what he wants or needs but I bet he doesn't either. It's frustrating and it likely won't become less so, but you love him and you take care of him and you try to do what's best for him, and in the end, that's more than enough.