Who's in charge here?

Before I had Jack, when I imagined what kind of parent I would be, I saw myself as fairly no nonsense. I didn't plan to be Miss Hannigan or anything, but I had some definite ideas about what my kid would and would not be doing. The Internet educated me on all the different parenting styles and philosophies and I felt I landed on the stricter side of the spectrum. I didn't have any issues with cry-it-out, if necessary. I would not be a short order cook. My kid would eat and sleep in specified places. Schedules would be adhered to.

I've known for a while now that I am not as tough as I thought I was. You could say I'm a softie, but I think 'lazy' would also be an accurate qualifier. For example: I can't stand it when toddlers drag their sippy cups around with them. Why can't they have a drink of water and then put their cup down in the kitchen? Or sit at the table? Well, guess whose kid not only drags his sippy cup around with him, but so violently sloshes it around that I am constantly finding little puddles on the floor? I could be a real stickler on this and insist on drinking in one place and leaving his cup where he found it, but it turns out I'd rather not have that battle eighty times a day. I'd rather mop up puddles.

But with other things, I'm just not as rule abiding as I planned to be. When he was born I had no idea how much I would love "wearing" my baby. I don't know if I ever laid that kid down for a nap until he was two or three months old. At the time I was just doing what felt right, but now I look back and think, "Seriously? I did what?" Even when Jack was responding well to crying-it-out and he was sleeping longer and better and everyone's lives were getting easier, I still managed to have giant fights with Phillip about whether or not we were doing the right thing. And if Jack is about to have a meltdown in the high chair, there are definitely times when I finally let him out and collapse on the couch with a bowl of macaroni and cheese, depositing spoonfuls in his mouth whenever he deigns to drop by for a bite.

For the most part I make my peace with all of this. I try to standardize things in our house and I try to make sure he knows what he's supposed to be doing, but sometimes I don't want to deal. Or I'm tired and pregnant and do not have the energy or stamina to force an issue.

Other times I am gripped with Oh My God I'm Doing Everything Wrong Terror.

Jack has been a terrible napper lately. He has not had a consistent nap schedule for the last four months, I kid you not. He'll do two naps for a few weeks, then switch to one nap for another couple of weeks, then revert to two- I never know. And I've been a lot happier since the day I decided I was no longer going to freak out about the nap schedule. But the last week has been insane. Three hour afternoon naps. Twenty minute catnaps. An hour in the morning and nothing in the afternoon. And my personal favorite: no nap at all. I've decided to blame this on the recent appearance of molars and I'm leaving it at that. Like everyone says, in two weeks he'll be frustrating me with something else.

But then two nights ago he came down with a fever. (That has since disappeared. I blame the teeth!) And last night he barfed up his dinner (barfing seems to be what he does when he's A Little Bit Off) and would not go to bed, even though it'd been one of those no afternoon nap days. I thought for sure he was exhausted, but he wouldn't go to bed, and the crying he was doing in the crib was of the Freak Out variety, not the I'm Getting My Grumpies Out So I Can Fall Asleep variety. So we got him up and Phillip, because he is always super concerned about the state of Jack's stomach, ended up feeding him more dinner around 8:30 at night.

I was sitting here thinking, "THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT." Why can't we get him to go to bed? Should we be feeding him this late at night? No wonder he has no schedule! What is wrong with us? WE ARE DOING EVERYTHING WRONG.

You all know how much I hate the nap thing, but the discipline issue is where I think I feel the most out of control. I have yet to get anything other than a laugh when I say "No." I can be mean and stern and scary and hand swatty, but he still goes right back to the oven, puts his finger on it and grins at me. It's a game. It's fun. I've had friends say, "I can't believe he laughs at you!" I've also had friends say their kids are doing the same thing, but it's still hard feeling like I'm not in charge. I'm the mom, I need to be in control. And so often I'm not, and so often I suspect that it is my own fault.

Anyway. I'm hoping for a Regular Kind of Day. I'm hoping yesterday was just a fluke so I can say, "Oh, it was just a fluke. It's okay to have flukes."

Comments

[Shanna @ Fabulous and Frazzled]

Oh my gosh Maggie, I am right there with you! I have been having that same mental flip out in my head for a while now. And our situation is compounded by the fact that my mom watches our Jack during the day without many problems. It is so frustrating to feel like we have become those dumb ass parents on Super Nanny that everyone is watching and going "Geez, don't they know not to do that?" or whatever! I have been tempted on multiple occassions to call up one of those shows b/c we just don't know how to fix all our screw ups. I mean our kid is not a terror by any means, he is really great and well behaved. But there are days when I just lose it and feel like nothing that we try is working. I just keep telling myself that he is 2 and it will all pass, right? RIGHT??

[Heidi]

Sorry for the reeeally long comment!

I have been reading your blog for awhile now, but this is the first time I have ever commented. :)

My 20 month old daughter (Anna Stesia) was the same as Jack when it came to discipline. For us it started about 2 weeks after she started walking (she started walking at 10 months). She started hitting her Dad and me (A LOT!) and getting into things that she shouldn't. Every time I told her no she would laugh and keep on doing whatever she wanted. If I removed her from the situation, she just went right back to it. You are right; it's like a big game to them. With the hitting, I would not hit her back (as a lot of people told us to do), and while it was just her Dad and I she was hitting, my fear was that it would progress to others. I felt like the worst mom around, a total failure. My own kid wouldn't even listen to me and thought I was a big joke!

This lasted until right before she hit 19 months. After almost 9 months I was beyond frazzled and fried. Then I read this post from Arwen (http://ennorath.typepad.com/arwens_blog/2008/06/a-year-and-a-ha.html) about how they handle discipline with Camilla. This paragraph really “hit” home with me:

“We instituted a gentle response of holding her arms and counting to ten that managed to mostly eradicate the hitting fairly quickly, but during those days I was surprised at how exhausting it was to have to respond the same way every single time, so that she'd learn that the action always garnered the same reaction.”

That night when I got home from work, I applied Arwen’s method. I’m not sure if I did it in the exact same method, but this is what worked almost immediately for us (and still works). We hold Anna Stesia’s arms gently at her sides with her palms facing her body. We get down to her level look her in the eyes (and make her look at us) and count to ten. If she looks away, we stop counting (still holding her arms) until she is again looking at us, then start counting again. Once we reach ten, we tell her the behavior that caused the reaction and then say that we do not do [insert behavior here]. She is then asked to apologize (she says sorry), then we release her arms and we tell her that Mommy and Daddy love her and give her a big hug and kiss.

This is what we do for everything, not just hitting, and IT WORKS. The key is like Arwen said “the action always garnered the same reaction”. We also no longer say no, we say Stop. Anna Stesia get’s asked to Stop one time, if she continues we apply the method above and once we do that she doesn’t repeat the behavior. In the beginning we used it a lot, but as she is learning what will and won’t be allowed, we find ourselves not having to use it as much. Now a stern Stop usually does the trick, because she doesn’t like being made to stand still. The standing still part is why I think the method works. She is constantly on the go and hates being restricted in any way.

I know Arwen said it can be exhausting to have to respond the same way every time, but I actually find it to be freeing. I no longer worry about how to react or how to discipline her or how my disciplining will be perceived in public. I know exactly what will happen if she doesn’t listen, and so does Anna Stesia.

That is my 2 cents. (and if Arwen is reading this: Thanks!) Here’s hoping you get your Regular Kind of Day today and most days!

[Redbecca]

We are starting to enter this phase with a short-fused kid. Should make life interesting, so thank you for the tips Arwen via Heidi!

Regarding naps, we are also in limbo between 1 and 2 naps at the moment. Kid thinks he can take one morning nap and then go the rest of the day until he wants to crash between 6 and 7pm. I'm going to try puting him down even earlier, like at or before 6pm to see if that helps. Healthy Sleep Habits Healthy Child while I don't follow everything has some very helpful suggestions. The frenzied crying could be combination of molars and extremely overtired. Less sleep = less sleep + hungrier. More sleep = more sleep + less hungry.
Good luck!

[Elizabeth]

I have three books about how to discipline your spirited child on hold at the library :)
I'll let you know if I get anything figured out, but yeah, I get the hysterical laughter when ever I say no as well. We don't have consistent naps OR a consistent bedtime or consistent meal times, because little Mr. E just will not be put in box! It's total bedlam over here.
Dear god, I live in fear of the terrible twos. They haunt my nightmares.

[Melinda]

In Heidi's comments, she stated,
>>during those days I was surprised at how exhausting it was to have to respond the same way every single time, so that she'd learn that the action always garnered the same reaction.>>

Oh my goodness -- this hits the nail on the head and I hate to tell ya, it never ends. . have you guys potty-trained,yet? Or waited for your teenaged son to come home too late from a movie? Our kids, Lord love 'em, are programmed to try and re-try behaviors with us to make sure we mean what we say. . we just have to mean it and that means everytime! Exhausting, you betcha -- rewarding, unbelievably so! My oldest is 20 and my baby is 2 with some in between and they have all been different, with one exception -- they want to know we love them every minute of the day -- and usually that just means our being the same loving (sometimes tough love with a teenager) way with them 24/7/365.

I imagine them asking me "is this the wrong thing to do, mom? Is this STILL wrong? What about if I do it this way? Will I still be in trouble? Can I still get hurt if this happens? what if I do it like this?" over and over and over. And I try to smile and say "yes, honey, yes, honey, yes, honey."

One of my teenagers gripes "when will you stop trying to protect me?" and I say "never."

God bless you and your kiddos. .

[Dr. Maureen]

I am ALWAYS worried that I'm making a Huge Mistake somewhere. Fear not. You are doing fine. But FWIW, I second or third or twentieth Arwen's comment about repeating the same form of discipline every time. And I agree that it is, in fact, exhausting. So if you decide that you are going to enforce the no-sippy-cups-in-the-living-room rule, you have to COMMIT to it. And you have to prepare yourself for a loooooong afternoon of bringing the sippy cup back to the kitchen. You know? So whatever you decide the rules will be, my suggestion is to pick one rule at a time, or you will go stark raving mad.