Today's Channel 13 forecast: "cold, murky and chilly." And I did not make that up.

Here are two things I am not worried about: how Jackson is going to feel about the new baby and whether I will love the new baby as much as I love my first baby.

When I hear people talk about The Next Baby, these things ALWAYS come up. People started talking about it as soon as I told them we were pregnant again. "You'll worry about Jack, but he'll be fine!" "You think you can't love anything as much as you love your firstborn, but you'll see! Just wait till that baby is born!" I just assumed I was too concerned with barfing and overwhelming exhaustion to care much about Jack's feelings or finite amounts of love. I assumed I'd start getting nervous about this stuff, especially since some friends pregnant with their second babies ARE nervous.

And so I find myself in the completely novel position of NOT being nervous about something MOST people are nervous about!

The first thing doesn't bother me at all. Jack will just have to deal. And he's only going to be 16 months old when this baby is born- will he even know enough to be upset? Sure, things will be different. I've been pretty diligent about not rocking him to sleep anymore and things like that, just because I know I won't have the opportunity when the new baby arrives. But he's only going to be sixteen months old. It just seems like that's too little to be mean to the new baby or throw huge frustrated hissy fits. Maybe not (I obviously have no idea) but it's not like he's had us all to himself for the past three years and now he's going to have to share. I see issues on the "Where is my macaroni and cheese? I want it NOW!" front, not so much the emotional trauma front.

As for the other thing... people bring up the Love Dilemma so much that sometimes I'm afraid I must not love JACK enough! Because, obviously, if I loved Jack as much as these other people loved THEIR first babies, I'd be terrified too, right? How could I possibly love another baby as much as I love HIM?

I can say I'm feeling the same sort of ambivalence I felt when I was pregnant with Jack. It's awfully hard to love something that you can't see or touch or hold and which is constantly stomping its foot on your bladder. Even the few days after Jack was born, he still wasn't quite real to me. I think I'm one of those people who "take a while"... But I'm not worried about how much I'll love my new baby. At ALL. I even think it's sort of silly. I don't know if this is because we definitely wanted more than one kid or if I'm used to big families or what, but no, we will love the new baby at least as much as we love Jack. And possibly more, especially if new baby isn't the kind of baby who spits out her food after she's been chewing it for a good ten minutes.

Did you worry/are you worried about this stuff? I think if Jack were two or three or four I'd be more anxious, especially about the jealousy/world upside down thing. That makes sense. But it's never too early to learn that life's not fair, right?!

Comments

[Jessica]

My 2 will be 15 months apart, so I know exactly how you feel.

My biggest worry is dealing with 2 kids without freaking out. I don't do well sleep deprived. But this time, I hope I will get all the maternity leave to actually take care of the kids instead of last time when I just visited the hospital (he was born at 25 weeks). I just worry about how I will deal with having my time split twice now... I feel like I have just gotten ONE kid down and all of this could go down the drain.....

Since I have had complications, I am just mostly focused on getting to full-term... I haven't even begun to think about the actual HAVING of the children.

But I do agree that for all the challenges that comes with 2 kids in diapers, the biggest benefit we'll have is that the first kid won't remember what it was like to be alone.
Thank God for small miracles, eh?

[Emily]

I was so shell-shocked by Asher's birth (even though I knew about him for, what, TEN ENTIRE MONTHS) that it took me a good six months before I accepted that I was his mother. And it took me a really long time to really, REALLY love him. Mostly I think, because I had no idea what to expect, and then what I DID expect was not at all what I got. So: Shell-shocked.

That said, I am not nervous AT ALL about loving another baby. Because look at how awesome it (finally) got with the first one! There is so much to look forward to, and so much fun to be had, and I really only think I'm worried about the financial aspect/time management situation. WHEN WILL I BLOG? You know, the important things.

[Milehimama]

We have never had a problem with older baby feeling "left out" or hating younger baby. It is natural for children to have siblings, and God made them able to deal! Especially at so young an age... if he were 7 years old when new baby arrived, he'd probably be resentful.

My REAL worry is "How am I gonna keep the toddler off the baby?" Little ones LOVE babies and the newborn never got a moment's peace!

In my experience, your love for your older one will deepen as you add a relationship (he's your son, and ALSO a brother now).

As for the Love Dilemma... love multiplies, it doesn't divide.

:)

[Brittany]

I remember briefly wondering if I would resent the newborn for taking so much time away from Sophia (who was 2 1/2 when my son was born). She was just at that fascinating stage and I was staying with her full time then where I hadn't been able to before, and I remember feeling a flash of regret that she might not get all the attention. But it was such a quick, passing thing. And likely hormonal. And it's true, they gain so much in having that sibling bond. You're giving them another person to love.

[Becky]

I've wondered about this a lot too. My sister has 2 sons and has said that she doesn't want a third because she doesn't want one of them to be a "middle child." Which I totally don't understand.

I mean, I'm a middle child, and yes there were times that I was teased because I supposedly had "middle child syndrome," but really? would I wish that my two younger sisters were never born!?!? I mean, come one. Of course not!

I loved having siblings, and I think it's great that you're not anxious about the jealousy / rivalry factor. There are plenty of other things to worry about, right?
:) Becky
http://www.stinkylemsky.typepad.com/

[Jess]

I think it's kind of hilarious, although also unfortunate, that people reassuring you not to worry about something that you weren't worried about to begin with has caused you to develop an entirely separate worry. Don't worry!

[Maureen]

My father-in-law apparently didn't want to have a second child because he figured he couldn't possibly love another child as much. Then Andrew had a brother and look at that! No problem! Andrew's mom telling me of her husband's fear was the first time I ever heard of this fear, and it struck me as - my apologies to people with this fear - silly. I think it's because I'm the youngest of 6, so I know that there is plenty of love to go around. So I do think that your lack of fear is thanks to your sainted mother having 5 kids in 4 years or whatever crazy thing she did. You know it's hectic but awesome, and that everyone gets plenty of love.

[ashley]

Maggie, I'll be honest. The only think I'm worried about is if you'll still have enough love for US. Screw Jack, what about your BLOG!?

:) I jest. I'm sure you'll rock at this.

[Charlotte]

In abstract I have the same worry. I don't really worry about what most other people worry about but I worry about everything else including why I'm not worrying about common worries. I think that you're not worrying because you know. You're not an only child, and I surmise that you didn't plan on having just Jack. Therefore you've had a while to get comfortable with the idea loving more than one child. Also, I think that your faith has helped in that it's made you comfortable with the notion that God has the capacity to love everyone and you're wired in his image so transitively you have a comparable if not equal capacity. I just made you and God sound like cars, but you get the picture.

Some people need to harvest worries because they equate worrying with care and use it as a vehicle to show that they love something. People who are often anxious and have other things to worry about tend to not do that because they can separate worrying and loving. Worrying and loving aren't necessarily mutually exclusive but they don't need to pair up either. Now I'm rambling. In a nutshell: take it from the world's most anxious, overly analytical person, you're fine.

[followthatdog]

I did worry but I worry about everything. In the end, it just worked out. The boys are a little more separated in age than yours will be, and I think that made it harder when my first son was presented with his little brother the usurper. That said, they play together all of the time now, mostly nicely, but sometimes more like a battle to the death. Still, I wouldn't change a thing. Having two was great. I'm ready for #3.