Ready to do it again

Everyone said the newborn stage would be the hardest part, that I'd just have to make it to six weeks or three months and things would get easier from there. They were right- a lot of things did get easier. In those early weeks I was sore, I hated my body, I never slept and everything was confusing, from feeding to sleeping. But you guys, I loved having a brand new tiny baby. LOVED.

It helps that I won the jackpot in the Baby Temperament Lottery, of course. An easy baby will make your memories of the newborn stage sweeter than average. Even with the constant pumping, the tube feeding, the having no idea how to do anything, the waking up every two hours, the fact that nothing in my closet was anywhere close to fitting me- the actual baby drowns it all out. He was so tiny. He had a wrinkled old man face and peeling skin, like now that he was out in the open it was time to molt. He made these startled movements with his arms whenever I put him down to change his diaper and I thought it was the most adorable thing I'd ever seen. I'd watch him twitch his mouth and listen to his gurgly noises while he slept. And he'd sleep anywhere. I'd spend entire days with him tucked inside the Moby wrap, snuggled up close to me.

Now I've got one of these:

Remember when Fat dwarfed HIM? Also: hello phantom hands!

This one is much different. This one has opinions and demands and wants and impatiently waits for you to drop your fingers within reach so he can go marching about the living room. This one, while undoubtedly more fun, is in many ways harder for me to manage. I didn't worry about my newborn as much as I worry about my almost one-year-old. I think you're supposed to get better at this parenting thing, but sometimes I think I question myself more now than I did when he was first born. This one resembles an actual person, and that thought is frightening to me. A newborn wasn't going to suck up all my neuroses and bad habits and crazy parts, but this kid could.

I found out we were having another baby when Jack was just about nine months old. In January. When I still had half a stay-at-home winter to survive. And I had no idea how I was going to do it. Sure, I remembered my new tiny baby and how much I enjoyed that stage. I gave myself grace a lot easier back then. It was nice to press pause on The World and take care of this little creature for a few months. But a new baby? In tandem with a big baby? Oh God oh God oh God.

And then the nausea started. Good times.

Phillip and I worried about everything. Two car seats can't fit in the back of our Jetta*. Where would the new baby sleep? How do we keep the new baby from waking up his or her brother? We could not do another two weeks of tube feeding again. Do we have enough money? Could I manage a newborn in prime SAD season? We had just decided to table the New Baby Discussion for several months at least. Oh God oh God oh God.

A month or so ago I bought a tiny yellow outfit and hung it from the curtain rod in Jack's room. It's there to remind me of what's coming, because it's honestly hard to do that sometimes when you're chasing an almost one-year-old away from the stairs. (Baby gates fully installed as of this weekend!)

And then I started to feel the baby move. Little flips. Little flops. I've started thinking about the newborn stage again. I wonder whether the new baby will look like Jack. I wonder if it'll be a colicky screamer since we seem to have used up all our luck on the first one. I have actually caught myself daydreaming about toting a little baby around in the wrap, lying in bed in a sleep deprived state just staring at a wrinkly old man face. Letting Jack hold his new sibling- just for a second!- on the couch so we can take a picture. Two of them! The thought still scares the crap out of me, but it's slowly turning to excitement. One is so great, two must be fantastic.

I'm so glad things didn't happen the way we planned. SO glad.  I'm dying to know if I should break out Jack's little clothes or go on a pink shopping spree- we have the big ultrasound later today, so stay tuned for an update!

*brought to you by Princess Nebraska's post, where my annoying comment turned into this rambly mess

Comments

[Elizabeth]

Oh man. The thought of getting to break out Eli's little teeny tiny baby clothes again...that might send me over the edge alone.
I am so glad you're starting to feel excited and not just panic. I really really am.
But tell me. How Do you fit two car seats in the back of a Jetta? Just for my own personal information, you know.
PS Thanks for the link :)

[Jess]

I'm glad that you're so glad! And also I'm VERY excited for the ultrasound update.

[ren]

OMG soooo excited to find out if you're having a girl or a boy! As always, Jack is too cute.

[Tara]

Ooooh! Can't wait for the ultrasound update!

It's so funny because I'm feeling kind of the opposite re: little baby vs. toddler. While there are some fond memories of the tiny stage, I am having way more fun with the big baby stage, despite the chasing. Maybe it's because she's happy now, and she (SO) wasn't then. I know the toddler stage will bring its own set of challenges but I'm sure (ok, hoping) it will be way better than pacing the living room at 3am for hours with a screaming rage ball.

Here's hoping that neither of us get colicky screamers for the second go-round!

[Kate P]

Oh my gosh, Fat the Bunny, I must inform you that you are very, very small now! And Jack is looking very big-brotherly these days. Best wishes for happy, healthy news today. :)

[Heidi]

Am crossing my fingers for the girl! Have two little boys (wouldn't trade them for the world) but am dying to celebrate someone's girl! GO PINK! And as crazy as the two thing is...its crazy fun too!