I'll shoot for something funny tomorrow

For the Annoying Church Meeting I am supposed to read a chapter from a book called We Worship: A Guide to the Catholic Mass. Also known as Church for Dummies Like Maggie. The chapter I read last night (in a hurry, 10 minutes before I had to leave) was about transubstantiation. (For those of you who are now shuddering, I've got a new church-free post up at Parenting. I am here to please!) Anyway. Why it's the real presence and not symbolism. In other words, one of those things that I believe, because I generally have no problem believing things, but do not quite understand and would have absolutely no skill in explaining to anyone else.

Finally the author described how he explains it to little children. Which is of course the only part of his explanation I barely understood. And I started thinking about that little church cracker and how I pop it in my mouth every Sunday and take a swig of wine and stroll back to my pew wondering if we should invite people to go to dim sum for lunch or maybe just go home and nap while the baby naps.

Now I will switch gears and tell you that I've had a rough couple of months. (SHOCKING, I KNOW.) The pregnancy (which we are thrilled with, yet nervous about and, oh, slightly hormonal because of), the dark dank weather, the frighteningly mobile baby and general not-well-in-the-head-ness- all of it has made for a nice long stretch of krazy. I get pretty anxious every evening and most of the time I don't have a clear reason. It makes me hypervigilant- what's going to make me anxious TODAY?- so I have to put down disturbing books or change the channel or avoid random things. And because of the random, I don't always know what to avoid, so the anxiety gets triggered anyway. It's been hard and frustrating and many days I feel like it's never going to lift.

I've spent more time than usual going over the whys and hows and whats. Usually I have a clear idea of why I'm anxious and what I have to do to get over it, but this time is different. I keep thinking about what's happening, why I'm like this, what's going on, what I need to do, how I need to manage things tonight. My focus is entirely inwards, like a warped sort of self-centeredness. I keep telling myself that if I only focus and think hard enough, if I only spend enough time concentrating on this, the answer will magically appear. I have never got anywhere by ignoring anxiety.

So I am reading this chapter about the Eucharist and skewering myself for not having the Proper Eucharist Experience and I realize that this is what I've been doing for months. Zeroing in on everything I do wrong.  Counting up my character flaws. Obsessing over all the bad things I've done, the bad things lots of other people have done. Wondering if I could be the sort of person who does those things. Feeling totally bound by sinfulness. As I was reading a thought floated into my head, something Phillip had said to me earlier, about something completely unrelated: "Why can't you just feel free..."

And it occurred to me that perhaps I've done enough of the focusing. HOW NOVEL! I'll have you know that thinking that goes against my entire life philosophy, which goes something like Be Responsible, Dammit, OR ELSE. Don't I deserve blame and shame and guilt and anxiety? It occurred to me that I have been trapped in a very long, very unproductive Lent. Isn't Lent sort of meaningless without Easter?

I want to recommit myself to saying the Rosary, which I ended up saying only once or twice a week during Lent. But when I did, it helped. Hail Marys seem to work where visualization and relaxation tapes just annoy the crap out of me. And even more than that, when I start to get drawn too far inside, I need to ask God to pull me out of it. To remember that that is NOT where he wants me. If I were supposed to beat myself up all the time he wouldn't have given us Easter, he wouldn't have given us church crackers.

I think this might help.

Comments

[Susan]

I also suffer from anxiety and beat myself up about why and what I am doing to cause it! Your post today has great insight! Thanks!

[ashley]

This is just a thought - but have you ever tried adoration? It really has helped me deal with my worries and anxieties.

Something about forcing myself to be still and quiet for 30-60 minutes really soothes my soul. Sometimes I just end up sitting there...just dwelling in silence.

I've been completely overwhelmed and stressed out with work and decisions lately, but my Monday adoration really helped me to refocus and relax.

Just a thought!

[Lisa]

I know you think it was very random, but today's post was very insightful. I often feel this way myself. Sometimes it's hard to pull ourselves out of our self-inflicted rut and realize that God doesn't want us wallowing in confusion and guilt. I like that free feeling I always get after confession (which reminds me that I probably need to get to confession more often). I often get there, too, when I let go of my perceived inadequacies and offer up my frustration for someone else. Like the recently-widowed mother of six little ones. Somehow, thinking of her and others in similarly tough situations always helps me gain some perspective.

[Elizabeth]

Oh, Maggie, hugs. I really hope it gets better soon. You're an amazing woman and I hope you know that.

[Sarah in Ottawa]

Are you inside my head?!? I have been struggling with similar levels of anxiety lately (sleepless nights, burning and churning stomach, etc.) and I haven't been able to make any breakthroughs, nor to ask Him for some help. Reading (and re-reading) your "How novel" moment has made me have one of my own. THANK YOU!

It reminds me of a conversation I had with my priest when I was in highschool. I have been feeling bound by sin since...um...birth?!? And I have struggled with walking the line between humility and self-flagellation. Fr. Ian (bless him) gently told me that He wants us to act lovingly and to forgive all those whom He loves -- including ourselves. I often forget this message.

(And now I am a little scared that I will be contradicted by the smart Catholics, of which I do not count myself a member...)

Know that lots of people are sending warm thoughts and praying for you.

[Charlotte]

Oh! Even though I've only been reading along for a few weeks I feel the incredible urge to hug you. Then maybe bake you a pie, or some cake or a trifle. Probably even knit you something then fill it with makeup and magazines. That sounded a wee bit creepy.

I'm exactly the same way, anxiety absorbs me completely. It never goes away all together, it just gets better or worse but when it's in a really bad place I just try to find one thing that relieves the stress (in my case reading or cooking) and carve out time to do it. Oh and perhaps most importantly: you're fabulous.

[Kate P]

You're a mom, Mary's a mom--makes sense to pick up the rosary. :) I've also thought to myself before that I need to get "outside of my own head" before my imagination starts making up things for me to be anxious about. There was an article recently that said something like 90% of the things we get anxious about never actually come to pass. I'm trying to take that to heart.

I second Ashley's recommendation for Adoration--you don't have to sign up for a slot or length of time; just make a visit. The parish near my job offers it on Tuesdays and it's like a "lunch date" for me.

[Rosemary]

Hi Maggie, Sorry you're feeling anxious. It's so hard to banish the negativity, and I guess it's really something we aren't capable of doing on our own.

Once I went to this shrine in Montreal to pray about my infertility, the Shrine of St. Ann, grandmother of Jesus. And we bought these lovely images from the Gospels in the gift shop. Right next to the gift shop there was this office where a priest was available to bless the religious articles you bought. He didn't speak English well and he actually blessed us (not the things) in a heavy French accent. These words have always remained with me:

May you have joy of life despite everything.
Do not be afraid of anything.
May you feel that God is living in you.
May these religious articles (for instance, your rosary) remind you of the beauty of your life. Amen.

[andnotbysight]

Oh, I know what you're talking about! I've been fighting the anxiety, and I was just telling my husband that my first thought whenever I make a mistake is how stupid I am and what a bad person I am. Sometimes praying for someone else helps me to get out of my self-absorption with my own sinfulness. The rosary helps me, too, though I have to admit I hardly ever say a whole rosary. It's more common that I start and (sometimes after just one or two Hail Marys) fall asleep. And I'm thinking there's probably something to the adoration suggestion . . . I've been thinking I should go myself. I'm praying for you!

[Gregaria]

Hey Maggie! I have to second (or fifth) the Adoration suggestion. It is incredibly helpful with any worries or confusions or problems... just take them to Jesus and basically have a heart-to-heart with Him. The Rosary idea is also good. Oh! And another thing. When I feel really down, I start counting my blessings. I know this sounds cheesy, but I usually start with very basic things like my favorite books, my favorite foods, my friends, this one picture I really like, my bed (very comfortable), nights of really good sleep, etc, and then I thank God for them. It helps me realize that the good far outweighs the bad.