Still searching for a shower door blaster

Nearly a year into this gig, I am still stumbling all over the ways my life has changed. Home all day, in charge of the more domestic-ish stuff, keeping the family calendar in my head, keeping the baby's schedule in my head, juggling all the details. The newest thing I've tripped over is not so much the specific changes but the fact that my life has changed waaaay more than Phillip's has.

It's not that I've just noticed this. It was apparent the minute Phillip went back to work and I was home alone with a mewling infant. Maybe I've been blocked up with the other stuff and now that I've sufficiently whined about those things I can start in on this one.

When Jack was four or five months old I saw a change in the way I communicate with Phillip. Suddenly things like, "Do you even KNOW what I DO ALL DAY?" and "Sure, YOU get to go to the bathroom WHENEVER YOU WANT" were coming out of my mouth. I was vaguely aware that I was being either a) irrational or b) not entirely fair, but that didn't really matter to me. Up to that point in our marriage I'm pretty sure the only thing I consistently wanted acknowledgment for was the fact that I always clean the bathroom. (Phillip, while also having a disgustingly higher tolerance for bathroom filth, will vacuum every floor and wash every dish and take out all the trash and do every scrap of laundry before he applies a nuclear-grade cleaner to the shower doors. And the fact that he does all those other things is why I don't freak out too much about being the only person cleaning three bathrooms. But I digress!)

*** We interrupt this oh so fascinating post to share that the boy has fallen asleep in his crib, on his own, after only ten minutes of complaining about it. Could it be that we are on our way out of The Thing? Cue the choir of angels! ***

Part of not having a Real Job is not having feedback. And no co-worker to grouse with on your lunch break. Turns out I really miss that. I need to talk with someone about how something is going. I need to hear that I'm doing a decent job. I need a little encouragement every so often to keep going. I need to hear someone say, "You managed to get Phillip to music practice and the boy to a babysitter AND pulled off your baby shower at the same time, without any help whatsoever from your husband who cannot keep track of the nap schedule? YOU ARE MY IDOL." I mean, I wouldn't really have to be an idol, but I wouldn't mind if someone pretended, just for my benefit.

What I don't need is someone who waltzes into the kitchen and makes a suggestion, even a GOOD suggestion, about the thing that is frustrating me that very instant. Such as the fact that my child takes forty-seven days to swallow a tiny piece of toast. Oh dear God am I going to spend the rest of my life feeding the baby? Make your suggestion LATER, when I have not already rubbed my brain raw trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong in the feeding department.

See, I want feedback, but only the feedback I like.

The usual ending points for conversations and arguments are no longer satisfactory for me. Maybe I was fine apologizing and moving along before, but now? NOW I WANT SOME CREDIT. Now I need to hear, even if he's already said it, that I'm doing a good job. That I'm doing things he doesn't remember to do. Things he doesn't even realize need to be done.

I was in a vile mood this weekend. VILE. And I can't even tell you why. Absolutely every little thing was irritating to me. Nothing was right. Nothing went well. I was really really tired of deciding what to feed the baby and what time we were going to do things and what needed doing. When the baby refused- flat out REFUSED- to take his afternoon nap on Saturday, Phillip said, "Do you want me to do it?" and I marched out of the room without even looking at him. I may have even slammed a door. (I NEVER SLAM DOORS.) And then I unearthed my plastic caddy of earth-friendly tub and tile cleaners and made my bathroom look like it did when we moved in. (Except earth-friendly cleaners do nothing for shower doors. NOTHING.)

Phillip said, "Thank you for cleaning the bathroom." And I felt much much better.

Comments

[Lindsay]

I can honestly say that, while not maybe an IDOL, you definitely are one of my role models. There aren't too many people who understand where I'm coming from with the anxiety disorder thing, and fewer still who both understand and provide me with encouragement & hope that this stuff doesn't have to rule my life. You're Maggie, though, so you probably just read that and thought, "WHO is she talking about? BECAUSE IT IS NOT ME." Honestly, though, it is. Most people who have anxiety problems never try to really get over them or try to beat them, much less acknowledge them. It isn't easy when your anxiety disorders seem to intensify year by year, but in the time I've known you, it's kind of been easier to cope with. I always try to ignore them and pretend they don't exist, even though I know they do, and that just gives them a power over me. I'm always afraid of ever saying something for fear of others' comments, because they don't understand. You openly talk about it and talk about what you go through and you acknowledge when it's anxiety and you recognise when it's affecting you. That's really helped me to do some of the same. So, while I may know next to nothing about being a beautiful stay-at-home mom or being a housewife, I do know something about stress and depression and anxiety, and you've given me a lot of confidence with dealing with those things. So, if it makes you feel any better to know, you are my role model.

...Also partly due to the fact that you love GG, too. (Come on, I can't let it get TOO sappy now.)

[Elizabeth]

Dude, you're pregnant and dealing with a nine month old who won't nap and is a slow eater (just like mine) AND you cleaned the bathroom? You're totally my idol.
I think I have started to cope with my loss of "working identity" by just not doing as much stuff around the house. No one notices but me if I kill myself to clean something, and I don't get any credit, really, so I just don't do it. I'm not sure if this is working too well (our kitchen floor is really really dirty), but I do have a lot more time to blog.

[Jennifer]

I hear you on the "feedback", if I got told one more time to "give him smaller bites" I'm going to shove that smaller bite where the bites don't shine.

And also, I have found that the Method glass cleaner works really well on my shower doors & smells real pretty too!

Hope your week perks up :)

[Manda]

Maggie,
WE ARE THE SAME PERSON! I CAN KILL A BATHROOM WHEN I AM PISSED! At least we use our evil powers for good, no?
I don't use earth friendly stuff on the shower doors, nor the mildew. I just throw open a window and spray something with bleach and leave it all day. Whoever made up bleach is a genius (who probably died from inhaling chemicals, but oh well).
YOU'RE MY HERO!
I shall now steal your child's name without guilt,
Manda

[Christina]

Amen, amen and amen!!! Seriously, I so know what you are saying - I need someone to gripe to who doesn't try to FIX everything ("well why don't you just..." *hate that*!) and I want to be acknowledged even on the days when the most I can manage is keeping all of the children alive!!

You make a HUGE contribution by taking care of your adorable baby boy and even if you just sit on the couch all day - Hello, You are growing a baby!! Can Phillip do that? I think not! :-)

[Carrie]

"Do you want me to do it" is my absolute MOST HATED phrase in my household. You would think it would be a good phrase, but it seems to mainly come up in situations like you describe, when you're fed up to HERE with something the baby will or will not do, and your husband has the audacity to think he can do it better. And the really annoying thing is that sometimes it works when he tries it. Makes me want to hit him.

Funny how that phrase so rarely comes up at 3 AM when the baby is crying...

[Jess]

That line about the feedback? That sums up what I have always felt but never articulated.

[young]

hi maggie,

nice post :) I'm the bathroom cleaner in our family -- trust me you don't want Phillip to clean the bathroom ;) Pure vinegar and one of thos Trader Joe's nylon scrubbers works great on shower doors -- as does Shout detergent (although not as enviro friendly as vinegar).