Finding out

I found out I was pregnant with Baby Number Two on January 6. I remember this, because it was the Epiphany and the day we had to take all the Christmas decorations down. I also remember it because it was MERE DAYS after I encouraged the entire internet to join me in a Four Pound Weight Loss Challenge. And when I saw that second line on the stick one of my very first thoughts was, "BUT! I JUST STARTED A FOUR POUND WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE!" Someone needs to get her priorities in check, hmm?

Okay, here's the deal: I am the oldest of five kids. The five of us are roughly all one year apart. More specifically, the five of us were born in a five-year span. MORE specifically, my youngest sister was born a few weeks before my fifth birthday. Oh yes. For those couple of weeks my mother had five kids age four and under. CAN MY MOTHER GET A ROUND OF APPLAUSE?

So, as long as I can remember, siblings close in age has been the order of my world. The fact that Phillip's brother is eight years older than he is, which is a whole different generation of music and clothes and ugly 80s haircuts, is totally weird to me. I always thought my own kids would be close in age. Or we'd be thinking about the next one at least by the first one's birthday. I know that's really soon for some people, but I just assumed that's the way it would go. (Phillip would like to count himself as one of the "really soon" people, by the way.)

The first couple of months with Jackson were such a dream- seriously, it was so much easier than I ever expected- and I often found myself thinking, "I want ANOTHER one!" I know! What is wrong with me! But I just LOVED the little babyness and was mourning every day he grew bigger and I would always tell myself I'd have another one and do it all over. And it would be SOON! (I didn't tell Phillip this.) (Heh.)

But you know, I wasn't REALLY thinking about it. It was just a Thing in my head somewhere.

Then one month - the month before we got pregnant - I thought I might be pregnant. We weren't, but we decided we needed to have The Conversation: When to have Baby Number Two? It turned out that Phillip and I were in exactly the same place we'd always been: I wanted a baby now or soon, Phillip wanted to get a promotion, buy a bigger house, fill up the college fund and wait for that mysterious I Am Now Ready feeling that we all know never appears. The good part was that we handled our differences WAY better than we had in the past and one of us did not accuse the other of Irrationalness and the other did not accuse her accuser of Big Fat Meanieness and we decided to table our discussion till at least Jack's first birthday.

And I felt good about this. Even though I wanted another baby soon, like really soon, I felt like I was just getting my life back. I was four pounds away from getting my body back. I could fit into almost all the summer things I thought I'd never fit into six months ago. I knew how to leave the house and take care of the two of us. I'd figured out naps and food and going down at night. Of course things weren't perfect, and the baby always throws you for a loop every time you think you've got something down, but I felt like I knew what I was doing. AND I HAD MY BODY BACK. When I thought about another baby, I felt ready for the new baby part, but I was not ready to do Pregnant again. Even though I had a ridiculously easy pregnancy and delivery. Even though we had no problems whatsoever and I never looked 9 months pregnant. Even with those things, I was not at all ready to donate my body to another baby.

Is this, like, the longest preamble-ish thing ever?

I guess all of that is to say: Baby Number Two? BIG FAT SHOCKER. In fact, I took the pregnancy test just to get the "what if I'm pregnant?!" thoughts out of my head. You know how some people are all, "I got a second line on the test, but I don't know, it's really faint." And the rest of us internet- and message board-educated folks are all, "A LINE IS A LINE." That was me. I looked at that second line and thought, "Oh, that can't be right." And then I'd say to myself, "A line is a line!" And then I'd say, "No, that can't be right." I suddenly understood why Juno kept peeing on sticks in the beginning of the movie.

I was elated, of course. And then I was scared and nervous and wondering what the internet was going to say to me when I couldn't lose four pounds in one month. (Weight loss FRAUD!) Phillip was very much, "I guess that's that!" and not at all, "HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED!" like I thought he might be. Jackson didn't care, please serve the pears now.

So I was pretty anxious for a week or two because, well, this wasn't planned and I am a PLANNER. And then I started to get sick and worse than that I was totally completely exhausted 24/7 and the SAHM angst started to set in big time. All the things I wrote about yesterday I multiplied by two babies and I really started to wonder how I was going to handle it. Not to mention that this new baby is due mid-September, which is when I tend to kick off my months of Seasonal Affective Disorder Kraziness, aka the time I would least like to have a new baby.

But I think some of the Angst is lifting. I think has in large part to do with the handful of sunny days we've had. I took Jack to the park and put him in the baby swings for the first time. I had a blast with my moms group where (I hope they don't mind that I am ALWAYS QUOTING THEM) one of the moms said that being a SAHM was a lot like the movie Groundhog Day- the alarm clock goes off and you do it all over again. Which I translated into, "Maggie! You are not alone!"

I think my last couple of posts (including this one) have made it sound like we're not happy. So I should say here that the Angst exists on another plane from the Happy, which is full and huge and very exciting. We most definitely wanted another baby, and I most definitely wanted my babies to be close in age. The fact that I didn't expressly give permission for a second line is a little disconcerting, but I have to admit that even with the nervousness and fear, having the baby just Arrive required little emotional work on my part. That was nice.

Anyway, now I spend a lot of time wondering if I'm going to have a little girl to dress up or if Jack is going to have a brother, which, oh my gosh, two boys, how fun. Phillip and I keep listing all the things we don't have to worry about this time around- that's a whole other post. Plus I've reintroduced bread and pasta and Ben and Jerry's back into my diet. (Me=Unbelievable Weight Loss FRAUD!) I tried to be good for a long time, but the nausea monster demands carbs. What can I do?

I'm gonna have a what now?

Comments

[Carrie]

Aww, that's a good post! Congrats again- it sounds like you're going to be a great mom to your two little ones. And we all totally understand the SAHM angst and "I'm going to lose my mind if I have to change one more poopy diaper" thing. Being a mom is so hard, on so many levels. But wonderful at the same time.

Hope the icky morning sickness goes away soon!

[Lisa]

So this answers the disappearing weight-loss support group postings very well. Hooray for life's little surprises! I've learned that planning is way overrated (and I'm TOTALLY like you in the need-to-plan department). Additionally, I was the oldest of five born in six years, so I always thought I'd have the children-close-in-age thing. But now we realize that this may be totally out of our control. So we learn to roll with the punches. That's what parenting is, after all, isn't it?

[Emily]

I am so happy that this is a HAPPY story. The only word I could use when I found out I was pregnant around Asher's birthday was TERRIFIED. And I didn't see that word in here anywhere! You are officially my hero!

Huge congratulations again, by the way. And if you happen to need any fall SMALL BABY clothes next time around, I've got you covered. :)

[Jess]

It's nice that you balance out the Angst and the Happy. I think it's good that you express both. And this is a sweet story. I am feeling more Happy than Angsty for you.

[Lauren]

My first two were 15 months apart. BIG O' SURPRISE...but the best surprise ever. They love having each other...and now we have THREE and its still ok. Youre gonna do great..and when you start worrying about how Jack is going to take not being The Only Child anymore...remember that really you are doing him a HUGE favor by giving him a sibling...and he will absolutely love it. Plus the good thing about having them close together is that they don't really notice not being the only one anymore.

[Lindsay]

Gah, I love your hair & your eyes. You are too pretty for words. (You look so happy & YOUNG in that picture. It makes my heart happy.)

[annie]

I don't think you've sounded unhappy. I think you've been sounding normal. I had similar feelings at the possibility of becoming pregnant again. While I wish I could say I was only 4 pounds from having my body back, I was finally feeling like I was well on my way to getting closer to four pounds when all of a sudden (even though we'd been "open" to the prospect for a while) my suddenly very regular cycle became a bit delayed. And then a bit more delayed. And then finally my husband says, "would you just take a test already!?" I was just so nervous to be pregnant again. A baby would be great. A pregnancy (especially one like my last one) would be not so much fun. It seemed like everyone was so excited, but I was so anxious. Finally I realized that for everyone else, a positive result means there will be a baby soon. But for the mommy, a positive result means 9 months of having to grow that baby - and everything that comes with it. I was thrilled at the test result, but so anxious at what that meant for me personally. Especially with a 1 year old running circles around me. Most people I've talked to have shared that experience, so I thought I'd share it with you as well. Angst makes sense - especially (and I'm sorry to hear) when you're 2nd pregancy is a bit more "rough" on you than the first. Anyway. Are you going to find out? Did you find out with Jack? I don't remember. Congratulations again - it will be fun to go through another pregnancy and baby time with you. :-)

[Manda]

Great post ... yesterday I typed "How CATHOLIC! of you" but then I erased it... what kind of a mean pregnant biotch AM I? I'm also loving the Ben & Jerry's and pasta and CARBS in my diet. I am so excited about our babies!! Yay!! Babies!!

[Kate P]

I don't think I realized you were that close in age with your sibs! When you said five in in a five-year span, I remembered what my mom said when she described being the oldest of seven kids: "I don't know; I thought *everybody's* mom brought home a baby from the hospital every year!"

I don't think this post made you sound not-happy, at all. It sounds as if both your children have parents who are very excited to have them.

[Laura]

Huge congrats..didn't mean to say huge LOL

Can't wait to follow along on this pregnancy and see how juggling two is for you : ) I will learn from you !!

[Nancy]

AGH! That's great! You have no idea how happy your news has made me, a total stranger. I have a 10 month old and found out in December that we're (unexpectedly) expecting in August. I have had very mixed feelings about it (e.g. how can I love another baby as much as my first? why couldn't I have lost the weight already? how am I going to cope??) and am very glad to read that there are others encountering similar surprises ("if the line is very faint, that means I'm maybe pregnant, right?"). Congratulations!

p.s. I'm going to start a top ten list of ways you know your pregnant again really soon (e.g. #3: You still have maternity clothes in your dresser).

[Sarah]

Congratulations Maggie! I've been wondering if #2 was planned or not. You sound like you're handling everything so well. I had a pregnancy scare on Monday, and freaked out when you announced your pregnancy. (Since our sons are mere days apart, if you get pregnant, I must be pregnant. Yes, I know I'm crazy).

I think your readers will totally understand the blahness and not see it as unhappiness. Being a mom is the most demanding, hardest, and best job I've ever had. I can't imagine trying to do it while puking. Also, it's February; who doesn't feel blah in February? Enjoy that ice cream!

PS: To your mom's group friend - I LOVE the Groundhog Day image. Too true!!

[Maureen]

Maggie, why did you shrink down a picture of Phillip and claim it is Jackson? And I also second Emily in giving you kudos for not sounding terrified. And also something else that I was going to say, and it was very enlightening and wonderful, but it has left my head.

[andnotbysight]

Look what happens when I go on a business trip for a few days. I missed the big announcement! Congratulations--what wonderful news! (And Jack will make such a cute big brother :-> )

[Tara]

Wow, Go Maggie's mom!

Maggie, you are going to be great! Mmmm, enjoy the Ben & Jerry's while you're at it. Adorable picture of you both, by the way.

[Maureen]

Hey! I remembered my pithy and enlightening comment! And it turned out not to actually be my own thought!

I was going to say, "In the words of my sister's friend [see, it's not even the thought of someone I actually know], having a baby is the one decision you never regret."

[Zandria]

I'm the second-oldest of five kids, and I'm actually the oddball in the equation: my siblings will be 15, 20, 25, and 30 this year!