Long, angsty, introspective and HELLO, SAVE IT FOR THE THERAPIST

So I've been thinking about why Doing Stuff With A Baby has been freaking me out so much lately. It started a few months ago when I felt overwhelmed by my involvement in three moms groups. I officially dropped out of one, more or less dropped out of another, but I still go to my church group, which has never felt suffocating in the ways the other groups did. Now that I'm out of the holiday season I've been thinking about going back to the one I didn't officially drop, but when I set out to Actually Go, I get nervous and stay home.

When I pictured what it would be like to quit my full time job and stay home with a baby, I imagined lots of outings and get togethers with other stay at home moms. We'd go out for coffee in the mornings and let our babies play in each other's living rooms in the afternoon. I thought it'd be really fun to start going places like the children's museum and the aquarium and, okay, even the zoo. I was even excited about all the new friends I was sure to make in my three moms groups. Everyone always talked about how hard it was to leave the house when you have kids, but I figured that was just part of the job. You get used to it, right? You make it work.

But, like many many other things in my life, it's taken me a while to reconcile Reality with What I Thought It Would Be Like. I have this little problem of setting rather high expectations for myself. What is wrong with me and all the not wanting to get out of the house? Why can't I just go to the museum without writing a dozen angsty blog posts about going to the museum? If I'm not having fun at the moms group, why don't I JUST STOP GOING? I mean, for the love of God, you must be saying to yourselves. GET A GRIP!

I'm sorry. It takes me freaking forever to get a grip. And then I have to write an angsty blog post about it.

It's gotten a lot easier for me to acknowledge when things aren't going the way I thought they would. For a while this was near impossible. I was optimistic to a fault. I refused to believe I wasn't doing well or that things weren't going well or that I wasn't happy. SURELY it was just a matter of perspective! All is well! Funnily enough, this exact outlook on life ended up plunging me into the underworld of questionable mental health and something called Anxiety, with a capital 'A'. I have had to actually practice Figuring Out What's Wrong. My back starts to tense up, my heart rate increases and even though I think everything is going fine, I have to sit down and ask myself, "What is anxiety trying to tell me here?" How stupid does that sound? VERY STUPID. But I swear, if I don't do this, it just gets massively worse. Because I am THAT GOOD at telling myself everything is fine.

Anyway! So I am lots better at the part where you realize, hmm, things are not perfect. What I am still pretty bad at is the being okay with imperfection.

I acknowledge that the moms groups aren't quite what I thought they would be, and I reluctantly decide to cut back. Getting out of the house is STILL a lot of work 8 months into this gig, so I don't get out as often as I would like. I don't see my stay at home mom friends nearly as much as I thought I would for the same reason. And I end up feeling really bad about all of these things. Why can't I just MAKE MYSELF do this stuff? It's not that hard!

So I've just been thinking about why it's hard. Because even if I don't THINK it should be hard, it is.

I've realized that I have a complex when it comes to being on time. I am so horrified of being late I often show up to Important Things embarrassingly early. (Like the one time I was an hour early to a job interview because I was so terrified I'd get lost.) (Don't worry, I didn't actually GO an hour early, I just sat in a coffee shop, but STILL.) Having a baby really messes with your ability to get places on time. I am slowly making my peace with this, but the peace still bumps up against the part of me that thinks I should be able to get places on time ANYWAY. It totally bugs me to show up late to moms group and coffee dates.

I've realized that getting our stuff together and stashing it all in the car makes me really tired. Especially when I have to pack lunch or dinner. Just figuring out what to HAVE for lunch or dinner is exhausting sometimes. This eating solid food thing is fun, but I'm never quite sure what he should be eating and I'm always surprised to see what other 8-month-olds are eating. I chalk this up to being a New Mom, but that only goes so far. I spend 15 minutes deciding what to bring, how to package it, strategizing how I'll heat it up and feed it to him. Plus everything ELSE that goes in the Massive But Fashionable Diaper Bag. Seriously, I feel like I've won a war after I throw that thing in the trunk of the car.

I've realized I compare myself to other moms. Not really in the "how we take care of our babies" arena- I'm very a much a "whatever works" kind of person in that regard. But I do compare my energy and sanity levels to other moms. Why are all the other moms in the moms group so excited about spending the entire afternoon making gifts for the grandmothers at the pottery painting place when the mere thought makes me keel over backwards? How come my friend isn't driving herself crazy about nap schedules like I am? Why am I the only one who dropped out? What's wrong with me?

But I've been reading your comments and talking to my mom and hanging out with the friends I had before this whole baby thing happened (who are moms too) and I'm slowly SLOWLY realizing that, uh, maybe it's okay to give myself a break on all this stuff. I've got a baby who seems to be happy and thriving, even if he has never been to the zoo and only sees his baby friends once every other week. I wonder if I'm having delayed baby shock or something. It wasn't this huge rock-my-world thing when Jack was born. Not that it wasn't a big change, but it was a change I underwent well (possibly the first one ever!) But now I am more and more aware of my limitations and frustrations. Jen keeps using a phrase that I've really taken to heart: a phase of life. I'm going to be doing the small child thing for a few years. This is, obviously, a Phase of Life and I'd be doing myself a favor if I started to understand that I can't do everything, I don't have to do everything, and it's okay to only do the things that work for us, even only the things that we* like to do. There will be time enough to be Busy.

*By "we" of course I mean "I". Like Jackson gets a vote. Ha!

Comments

[Tessie]

I don't know if you read Ask Moxie, but she's had some great posts about this 9-ish month period. She says a lot of people have a mini-crisis at about this point when they realize that this is "The New Normal". I totally get that.

[Jen]

I'm all for your new plan. I don't like going out and doing group stuff either. I really like my own house. It has all the stuff I need.

[Arwen]

Isn't the Internet your therapist? The Internet IS your therapist! Let it out, sister!

I think I always imagined myself as a get-out-and-do-stuff mom too. Which was silly, because I wasn't really a get-out-and-do-stuff person before I was a mom. Pre-baby, my idea of a really good use of a day off was to pack up my iPod and spend the afternoon reading chick lit in a big comfy chair at Barnes and Noble. But somehow I thought that with a child I'd turn into an on-the-go person and suddenly love the idea of the zoo.

I still HATE the idea of the zoo. And so far I haven't figured out how to manage to get my freaking LAUNDRY done, let alone plan outings and make them happen. And I have a nap schedule to adhere to over here, for heaven's sake! Expecting myself to be on-the-go and happy with it is highly unrealistic.

I do not have Anxiety but I have depressive and anxious tendencies and this post makes a lot of sense to me. And I think you are doing a great job with the Figuring Out What's Wrong and adjusting your expectations and all that. Thanks for writing this, M.

[Elizabeth]

I think I am always torn between accepting myself for who I am and between trying to make myself do things I don't want to do. Half the time I know if I don't force myself to do some of this stuff, I will just sit in the house all day and read blogs. (Like right now!)
But then the other half of the time I think "this is who I am. I am not a joiner. I'll never have a million friends" and I think I should just learn to accept that and cut myself some slack for not being who the world says I should be.
It's a tough line to walk. Right now I think I just tell myself that Eli can't deal with tons of activities (and this is true, he can't) he needs his schedule and his two naps a day and so I don't deal with it.
The thing I feel bad about/worry about is that he never gets to hang out with any other babies because we don't know anyone here. I am hoping we can move this year and find some people more like us to be friends with, and then he can find some other wee ones to crawl around with.
Too bad we don't live closer :) I totally wouldn't care if you were ever on time for play dates.

[Tara]

Well put. This whole parenting gig is full of Stuff You Can't Plan For, isn't it?

For me it has been not so much the daytime activities but more of coming to grips with the fact that I don't have as much freedom as I envisioned I'd have at this point in the game. I'd love to be able to go on a date with my husband and know that my daughter could be easily fed and put to bed by someone else. I also thought that I'd be sleeping through the night by now. (HAHAHAHA) But alas, those things aren't happening and I'm learning to be okay with that. I'm also trying to be okay with doing things that I didn't think I'd be doing (like constantly nursing to sleep, etc) because these phases don't last forever.

(Right??)

[Christina]

Dude if you can't get all angsty on your blog, where can you do it? Vent away, baby.

When my first was a baby an "experienced mom" friend of mine told me that the baby stage is just a "season" and I've always liked thinking of my life like that... seasons. Some are really good, like the best part of summer, and some are painful and depressing like winter... but the good thing is no matter how awful winter is, spring always comes. :)

[Lisa]

Hi Maggie: Just wanted to say (in addition to the fact that I love your blog), that I was there! I remember. My son is 3.5 now, and we are "over the hump" in some of the areas you discussed, but boy do I remember!!! The all important schedule, what to feed him, just how much effort it takes to go anywhere. And, yes the all consuming angst concerning the above. It will get better, the seas will part and you will sit back one day thinking, WOW, look what I did. It will surprise you that you really did your best, what worked for your family and everyone made it through the craziness of babyhood.

Also, don't worry about the whole "interaction" thing, i think it is totally a moot point at J's age. My son (the only child) could have cared less about other kids until really just the last year. Mom, food, dry pants and a toy to chew on really just works for them (or at least my boy).

Also one thing I remember (and still struggle with) is that I really just wanted to feel "normal" again, like my "old" self. I missed feeling like "me" and really missed my pre-baby life. Instead I only caught glances of that person from time to time. That was really tough, just never feeling comfortable in my new role. But w/ time and considerable compromise, it is so much better. You may just not quite be to that turn in the road yet.

I have rambled on long enough, but wanted to offer a suggestion . . . I always felt better if I spent sometime away from the house each week, maybe coffee or shopping w/ a friend, a cocktail or just a couple hours in the bookstore. This was my "normal" and it felt right, it let me be Lisa again. I have also spent the night away from home on a couple of girl's weekends. This really helped me get back into the swing of things, and let me realize just how much I missed my boy after just a day away. It made the long just mommy days a much easier!

So, my 2 cents! Again, love your blog!

[Sarah]

This mommy thing is hard. (I hate having to figure out both what he's going to eat and I'm going to eat).

This summer when my son was little I found myself frustrated that he was getting in the way with stuff I wanted to do. I was annoyed that he was there, which when I realized it was shocking because he is one of the loves of my life.

That was a reality check. I decided to slow down and if things didn't get done, they didn't get done. I still have to remind myself of that, but it helps.

[Emily]

I think perspective is huge here: Jackson won't be a tiny baby forever. Pretty soon he'll be going to just one nap a day. It will matter a little less whether he takes it at EXACTLY the same time every day. You'll be able to leave the house with less stuff, you'll be able to feed him whatever it is you're eating for lunch, you'll be able to let him walk to the car instead of carrying him, thus lessening the trips you have to take to load it up. It gets easier in that respect, and I believe that makes it easier to get out and do things.

Also I'm kind of glad that kids don't really care for the zoo until they're 3 or 4. I'm just not ready for THAT kind of outing yet.

[Laura]

I have 3 kids, and my youngest is almost 2 so I'm starting to leave the baby stage behind. All I can say is STAY HOME (I'm using ALL CAPS in homage to your wonderful writing style) when you only have one child and he is a baby! And I am even one of those on-the-go, social, joiner-type moms. School and soccer and birthday parties and play dates all come soon enough. If/when you have more babies, you'll have to drag them along on outings with your older children. This baby time with your first child is so short-- enjoy it and do what makes YOU happy. You're the center of Jack's universe, no matter where you are.

[blog nerd]

I have been planning to bring B to a drop in play group at our local library. Planning to since she is born. We haven't gotten there once.

My mom thinks I've developed agoraphobia.

It might not be best for B but I'd rather stay home and write and play with her. It takes enormous amounts of energy to get out of the house on time to honor the nap schedule.

I think the activity, class time, play group thing for infants is a relatively new idea and is a little um...

absurd.

I mean, if you can do it and like it--great. But its not really essential for the baby. YOU are essential for the baby.

When they are toddlers its a different story.

8 months old does not require huge amounts of "socialization"--I'm sorry it just doesn't.

All this to say--I'm with you. And I don't have an anxiety disorder.

[Lisa]

I think my distorted view of What I Can Get Done With Baby In Tow was highly influenced by the many mom friends I have who have large numbers of children and are on-the-go 24/7. I just assumed that having a little one of my own would immediately insert me into the crowd of confident, do-it-all moms taking their kids around to various activities and educational experiences. I was NOT prepared for how much an infant slows down your ability to accomplish things. Aren't they supposed to be really portable and fun at this age? No one mentioned the screaming. Oh, the screaming!

I've finally reconciled myself to the fact that the nap schedule must be strictly adhered to in order to maintain peace in the house. We are slowly learning how to go out and do stuff, but most of the time, it is just not worth the effort. So I get where you are coming from here.

[Maureen]

Ah, the nap schedule. Just yesterday I spent 20 minutes sitting in my friend's driveway, reading while Jack slept. I was going to her house for lunch, but Jack was still asleep when we got there, and had only been sleeping for 30 minutes. I keep a book in the car for this very purpose. I often wonder what I will do when and if there is a second one, because I somehow doubt Jack will sit patiently in the car while child #2 finishes a nap. But oh well, I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Also, may I address your feeding issues? Before my Jack had graduated fully to "people" food, I did make baby food for him, but I also used jarred stuff for convenience. You don't have to heat up jarred stuff. Also, babies like frozen peas, and you don't even have to cook them! You can give them to him frozen, or throw them in a tupperware and give them to him later, thawed. Just a thought. I know the food issues were just an expositional device, but still, I do love dispensing unsolicited advice.

For what it's worth, we can now bring Jack to a restaurant with naught but an empty sippy cup (he doesn't get straws yet) and order him stuff from the menu! It's awesome.

[Nancy]

I think a lot of us (or maybe just me) are so afraid of being seen as lazy that we feel like we HAVE to do all kinds of activities. And in a way, socializing with other moms is a good thing, because it helps with the crazy-brain syndrome.

But if I think of what's best for my 8 month old, it really is naps. On schedule. Every day. That's really what ensures her good mood and makes everything run smoothly. And since I hate house cleaning, that means I have a lot of spare time to a) try not to watch tv, and b) think about how unproductive I am.

Like you said, I'm constantly worried that I don't leave the house enough but maybe that's okay. Maybe it's just not my style to go to drop-in centres and baby classes all the time. I mean, did our moms do all these activities with their babies?

And maybe it's okay that I've started to look at old pictures of myself and think, "Wait, what happened to her??"
I like the "phase of life" outlook - this is a season and there will be other seasons again where I can go for

What's interesting is that by writing about this, you actually help countless other moms who feel the same way experience that great moment of, "Wow, I'm not the only one." So in a way, your anxiety is productive. Thanks!

[ashley]

the ZOO sucks, anyways. let's be honest.

thanks for writing this. it's nice to know that other people can be honest about their anxiety and neurotic-esqe tendenacies. :)

[Jennifer F.]

I didn't realize I use the word "phase of life" a lot, but I guess I do. It does help to remember that life changes a LOT based on how many kids you have and what their ages are. Also, one thing I've found about being incredibly bad at NFP is that it's forced me to optimize on my situation: rather than grit my teeth and try to muddle through the baby phase, having my third baby in three years has forced me to find ways to make life fun with lots of babies and little ones around, even though that's something with which I am totally unfamiliar (not to mention not good at). I actually do a lot more than I did with one kid since I realized that I'll probably be like 50 by the time I don't have a baby or a toddler around. :)

Love your blog. Keep the angsty posts comin'!

[karianne]

Mags, My two are 2 and 4 and I can ALMOST make it out of the house now!

And sometimes, the reality is better. Sometimes.

Virtual Xanax to you!