Let no one say I hoard my brilliance
Many things came between me and the How To Fold Fitted Sheets Pictorial Tutorial this evening, but DO NOT FEAR. I have not let you down, Internet! Even though I am sick (SICK! GAH!), facing a mountain of sticky stemware leftover from our Christmas shindig and not quite over the whole Sending My Baby To Spend The Night Away From Me, In The Suburbs, Far Far Away, Just So I Could Party In Peace (and Internet, I started drinking as soon as my mother drove off with him, I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING YOU), I have not forgotten to deliver you all from wadded and crumpled fitted sheets!
Behold! The troublesome fitted sheet!
And no, you Scroogy types are not allowed to make fun of my snowflake tablecloth.
(That nicely folded sheet in the back is the flat sheet. For comparison.)
Okay then! Let's all pick up our fitted sheets and stick our hands into two of the corner pockets-
so that the longer side of the sheet is perpendicular to your body. Like so.
Feel free to flash the internet a goofy crooked smile as you do.
Now clap your hands together so that the corners meet.
Now you're going to take one of the corners and pull it over the other corner. When you're done it should look like this.
Are you feeling neat and orderly and Type A? EXCELLENT.
So now the bottom of your sheet has sort of followed the same trajectory as the top of your sheet, but you're going to have to straighten it out a bit. Put down your nicely aligned top half or drape it over a chair while you do the same thing to the bottom half. When you're done, stick your hands into the two pockets like you did the first time.
Right now my mother is thinking, "Couldn't she at least BRUSH HER HAIR?"
Now fold one corner over the other so that you are left with ONE LAST CORNER. I know. It's a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.
NOW my mother is thinking, "Pajama pants? Really?" and what we will not tell my mother is that these aren't even girl pajama pants these are BOY pajama pants and the fly is TOTALLY OPEN.
All right. So now you've got a very lovely almost-folded fitted sheet. This is what you do next.
That's the flat sheet on top. Note that the two folded sheets are not the same size. That is because I am not QUITE as Type A as everyone believes. Also because I am doing my part to rid my genes of Crazy Homemaker as, I am told, my grandmother not only got her flat and fitted sheets to fold to the same size, she IRONED THEM.
I fold my sheets kind of long and narrowish because as nice as my house is, it was designed by men who did not understand the concept of Spacious Closets Where Things Actually Fit. Anything that goes in the linen closet needs to have the dimensions of a shoebox.
Anyway, I digress. I learned this little trick not from my grandmother but the chainsmoking ladies I worked with at the retirement home the summer after my senior year of college. I served breakfast, chased after lost pets, made beds and folded sheets. I have been easing the lives of the anal retentive ever since.