Woman's work

I've never been career-oriented. My only goal for post-college employment was to work until I had enough money for another jaunt across Europe. As long as I could pay for cable and wine in the meantime, I was set. Getting married changed all that, of course, especially getting married to Mr. Must Have Entire College Education Fund Saved Up Before We Even Discuss The Possibility of Children. Ahem.

But anyway. Jobs. What are they good for? Every once in a while I would feel tremendously guilty about my lack of initiative, my lack of anything even remotely resembling ambition, but I'd always find a way to rationalize my disinterest in Getting Ahead. It just wasn't for me. I can't walk in heels, let alone stride purposefully in a power suit. Anyone who can't handle ordering pizza over the telephone is obviously not made for upper management.

It wasn't easy, this deciding a career thingie wasn't going to happen, but I made my peace with never having a business card to hand out and figured I'd eventually have babies, thereby justifying my lifetime of un-productiveness in the workplace. How ironic, then, that having a baby makes me feel like I can finally do the work I really want to do.

(Even more ironic when you consider that at age 20, my painfully intense feminist self was horrified, no, destroyed, when my favorite Non-Denominational College Fellowship staff worker left campus to have a baby. And handed over her NDCF responsibilities to her husband. Who was a star. And did amazing fabulous work while his wife stayed home and changed diapers and for all I knew became an emotionally and intellectually stunted 1950s housewife complete with full skirt and chocolate chip cookies. How often do I want to slap my college self? ALL THE TIME.)

Before I had Jack I viewed this pregnancy thing as a Get Out Of Work Free Card. I didn't think I'd escape work permanently, seeing as how I own a home in sort-of-ignoring-the-whole-housing-crisis Seattle and also because I like to buy things. But I'd get a few months off at least and then I'd only go back part time. And part time meant not answering phones or sitting in an office or never seeing the light of day from October through March. I thought I'd find something that paid enough to fund my eyebrow waxing habit, at the very least. And I never saw myself as completely dependent on my husband. Ever. Mostly dependent, sure, but I could treat myself to a coffee and say, "Hey, I'm not taking money out of the grocery budget- I earned this latte."

A few days ago my old boss called me up and said, "Uh, that part time work proposal you sent me?" (During the pause I refrained from saying, "THAT WE DECIDED ON TOGETHER BEFORE I HAD THE BABY YOU BIG DOOFUS.") "Yeah, well, that's not going to work out."

So there you have it, Internet. I am officially unemployed. It is, I will admit, a very strange feeling. I've been working since the day I arrived on my college campus. Even when you count the handful of summers I bummed around various places, the bumming was possible because I worked my ass off during the months before, and I always had a job lined up for when I returned. Now? I didn't buy a sweater today, a sweater that I NEED and that was ON SALE, because I am living off someone else's paycheck. And that paycheck has to pay the mortgage and the cable bill. It took everything I had not to buy that sweater, people. I looked awesome in that sweater. My depressing post-pregnancy self needed that sweater.

The craziest thing about the baby so far (okay, at least right now) is my discovery that (gasp) I still want to work. I want to work on my own terms. I want to try a few of the things I thought I might try if I ever got the chance. In many ways, going from an office worker to a stay at home mom is the most liberating thing that's ever happened to me. That and having two grandmothers and a handful of church ladies who want to take my kid off my hands for a few hours a week, making it a lot easier for me to figure out how to work from home. I am going to buy that sweater, dammit.

What I want to try (and I can't believe I'm telling you this, because it's like hanging out a big DOOMED TO FAIL sign) is freelance writing. Lots of people are freelance writers. I own several How To Be A Freelance Writer books. I've kind of sort of figured out who my audience is, the things I'd like to write and where I might submit. In other words, I've done all the easy stuff. Now I have to actually do it. (Again with the Doomed To Fail!) If I can hack it, it'd be my dream job. Writing! On my own! From home! It's certainly not perfect. I will, for example, have to use the phone every once in a while. I will have to sell myself. I will have to write things that are not made up and make sense and aren't thrown together haphazardly at 10:30 on a Saturday night while Phillip is tending to a screaming child and I have already polished off the wine. (What? Why else would I be hammering out a blog post late on a SATURDAY NIGHT?*)

Sometimes, like right now, I think I should just be a mom. Being a mom is good enough. I can go to my three moms groups and be involved in my church and visit my mom and go shopping and sing 'Swinging On A Star' to my kid and make my own baby food. I might suck at being a mom sometimes, but no one is going to fire me (ah Jackson, how you will want to fire me one day!) and I'm the boss. We'll just make Phillip's paycheck work and I'll finally learn how to stick to a budget and I'll make the house a happy place to be. I WANT to do those things. But I also really want to try something new. I have the freedom, I have the opportunity. There's a 99% chance I will bomb (have you met my complete lack of discipline?) but... I really want to work.

And not just because I want to go back and buy that sweater. I'm as shocked as you are.

*The boy went down but we were working on hour two, people. HOUR TWO. Right when you think he's learned to self-soothe, he stabs you in the eyes with the pacifier.   

Comments

[Jennifer]

I'm so with you and I'm trying the same idea (though I must finish the dissertation, too).

Let's discuss!

PS I have an Arwen, a Bryan, and a Camilla sleeping upstairs. WE were discussing having a Maggie, a Phillip, and a Jack joining us here in lovely Cape Cod on another trip...

[kris]

YES. Praise God I'm getting in line for the signing of your first BOOK. Cuz you could do that too TRUST ME. I'm very picky about writers. VERY. You have an incredible natural talent. DO IT. I'm your #1 fan already.

[lauren]

I'm with everyone else...i'd read anything you wrote. I really do think you have a great voice or whatever, along the lines of laurie notaro, who I love. Maybe a book about the first year of motherhood? its been done, but I bet you could do it better!
Or maybe a weekly newspaper column, then the entries can be compiled into a book, making you enough money to buy MUCHO sweaters!

[Tara]

DO IT!

Easy for me to say, huh? Really, though, I'm sure you would do awesomely (<--- see, me? not so much the writer. I make up words)

What's this "self soothing" thing you speak of?

[Christina]

I totally think you could make the writing thing work. But then, I also have big Writing Aspirations which have gone Absolutely Nowhere, so I understand where you're coming from. But I would definitely read anything you wrote.. you are one of my very favorite bloggers!! :)

[Laura]

Hey Kris...back off...I am her #1 fan...I guess we can share the incredible Maggie : )

Do it girl!!

[jenney]

That bites. The same thing happened to me pre-baby I worked from home all the time post baby all of a sudden had to be done 100% from the office. I think employers are less flexible than they like to admit. I work at a hospital as needed doing insurance and registration follow-up. I work the hours that I want. The pay is the same as my old programmer job (but zero stress) and sometimes its nice to get away from the kids (mainly to pee solo).
Writing! That is great career! good luck!

[Madame Queen]

I was very fortunate when Bubba was born that my employer let me work 2 days a week and then come back full time when I was ready. And truly, even though I desperately wanted to be home with him, I missed that adult company and conversation, PLUS the security blanket of knowing I would have a job I loved still waiting on me when I was ready to go back.

Give the writing thing a shot! (as I tell myself the same thing day after day). You may never have another opportunity this golden.

[Megan Elizabeth]

Go for it!

And then let me know if it works. I've always figured on being a sahm but recently discovered that writing articles is like crack to me. If I go a week without a deadline I get withdrawal. So I'm definitely going to have to figure out something part-time when I have kids.

[Angela]

I often wonder how I'll react to your situation when I'm faced with it myself. I do know that the past few months when I was sitting on my duff collecting unemployment were kind of AWESOME, but I still had an income to contribute and wasn't totally dependent on Colby. I think that will be the hardest part to adjust to, but somehow I think I'll get there ;) But good luck with your freelancing--I know you're an amazing writer, so now all you have to do is put yourself out there!

[Lauren]

You can do it!!!

I wish I had the motivation to seek out some form of work outside of being a mom. I think the biggest challege is actually putting yourself out there...it's so scary! Based on your blog though, youre a great writer and shouldn't have anything to worry about. I say go for it!