Am I actually going to hit Publish?!

This one is going to be about boobs. If you know me in real life, can you just pretend you didn't read this?

Anyway. I am going to say something a lot of you probably won't like. That being: this breastfeeding thing is waaaay overrated.

I understand that's up for debate. And I hear there's something about the nutritional value of breastmilk? As opposed to formula? Or something about the immunities? Antibodies? Breastfed babies being Noble Prize winners as opposed to formula fed losers, such as myself?

Sure sure, I had every intention of breastfeeding when Jackson was born. I was determined to try it, at least, and since everyone said if you could make it to the six week mark, you had it made, that was my goal. Six weeks! I could do it! After an initial two weeks of syringes and marathon pumping and two different lactation consultants, things were going swimmingly. I! Could feed! The baby! Of course, then six weeks brought the turning black and falling off episode that I've almost put out of my mind. That is when I started to get suspicious. Wasn't it supposed to get easier at six weeks? I gave myself another two weeks. I tried everything my friends and the internet and my LLL friend told me to do and at right about eight weeks, things magically resolved themselves. (I'm realizing this is a theme with new babies. Nothing you do actually matters. Sleep training, no sleep training, feeding, rolling, playing, napping- he'll just do what he wants to do when he wants to do it.)

So! If you have assumed that all is going well in the feeding the baby department, you'd be right. I haven't had any of the awful problems one associates with breastfeeding. No gross infections, no agonizing pain (my six week issue was due to latch problems, I'm pretty sure), no supply issues and, thank God, no problem with my kid taking a bottle from me or anyone else. Perfection!

But breastfeeding is HARDLY the special bonding time Dr. Sears and the army of lactivists told me it would be. First it was just logistically hard. Then it hurt. Then it was confusing. Then he started getting distracted. Then last night happened.

Last night! Our baby is still going to bed pretty well (minus the weirdness from Saturday night) and we put him down around 7. I tried to feed him beforehand, but he's not a nurse-to-sleep kind of kid and wasn't interested. I figured he'd wake up pretty soon because he hadn't eaten in a while. I was surprised, though, that he woke up only an hour later. Phillip tried to get him to go back to sleep at first, but after a while we figured he needed to eat or chew on a teether or something. I tried getting him to eat, but he'd yank his head off after only a few sucks. And then he'd YELL. A yell I haven't heard. It was bizarre. It was somewhere between, "The food in this joint blows!" and "What am I doing out of my cozy bed!"

Because he'd had some teething pain the day before, I sent Phillip to the fridge for those chilled teething rings. Jack was barely interested. I tried feeding him again and he bit me. (Again with the overrated!) Finally I handed him off to Phillip who said he was going to heat up a bottle.

He heated up a 2 ounce bottle. Jack drank the entire thing in seconds. I heated up another 4 ounces and he downed that too. Suddenly I realized he was hollering because THERE WAS NOTHING IN THERE TO EAT.

I sat on the couch and bawled for, oh, fifteen minutes. I am not a fan of breastfeeding. I think all the people who say it's so natural and bonds you and all that stuff just have babies who really like to breastfeed. I have nothing against formula. Quite honestly, I continue to breastfeed my kid because 1) it's a smidge more convenient than dashing up to make a bottle all the time and 2) IT'S FREE. Do not underestimate my cheapness. Besides, it's a whole lot easier for me than I thought it would be, so why not? I confess I've been thinking about switching to formula (and I'm going to start him on rice cereal in the next week), but even with all of that breastfeeding ambivalence, there I was bawling over my inability to feed my baby. FAILURE!

It felt a lot like the early days when I didn't know what Jack needed. At all. Was he tired? Hungry? Wet? Cranky? Lonely? It was a constant mystery. He's much easier to figure out these days and I don't get all freaked out about not getting something right the first time. I remembered that I'd stopped pumping for a few weeks (pumping is, by far, the biggest drag in the world) and when I started up again a day or two ago it wasn't, shall we say, productive. I figured that wasn't a big deal, because obviously my body had adjusted and my kid was obviously eating and gaining weight blah blah blah. Never did it occur to me that there wouldn't be any when the baby tried to EAT.

But maybe, just maybe, I am distraught at the thought of Jackson not wanting ME anymore?

I've slept on it, but I still don't know where I fall. Am I really that upset? Am I just annoyed because the whole incident made me think about weaning when I wasn't ready? We haven't had any problems today, so maybe it was just a one time thing. Am I more attached to this feeding thing than I thought? Or does it just enforce my whole breastfeeding is overrated theory?

And what I mean by overrated is the bonding thing. The natural thing. The spending time with your baby thing. MY kid (and who knows where he got this idea, being the child of Phillip and me) treats food as fuel. He is only interested in eating as long as nothing else is going on. He rarely nurses for comfort. He takes a bottle from anyone. Sometimes I think we're going to get comfy and settle in, but his legs kick and push against the the arm of the chair or the pillow or whatever's nearby. His hands are everywhere. He's loud and jerky and most of the time it feels like something we're both just having to endure. I'm envious of the women who nurse their sweet quiet babies in church. I'm not terribly modest, but I would like to be discreet- a near impossibility with my loud cranky eater. Even when he was too small to flail around, breastfeeding was a chore. How to position him? How to position myself? Pillows and chairs and stools and gah, what a production. And then you read in the Dr. Sears book about his wife giving a speech while breastfeeding her baby in a sling and you're all, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

So not being able to feed my baby last night was about failing as a mom or not wanting to give up breastfeeding. I'm hoping it was the first and a little nervous it might be the second.

Comments

[Lisa]

I've got to tell you, one of the things I've been obsessing over since pursuing adoption is the fact that I will not be able to nurse my baby. To the point where I did all kinds of research on lactation aids and adoptive breastfeeding and seriously considered it. The "experts" were all like, "it promotes attachment and bonding, and better nutrition", and I was getting all freaked out that I'd be a bad mother if I didn't at least try.

Then I got a glimpse of reality...breastfeeding is HARD, even for those who have the pregnancy-induced ability to do so with more ease. And it certainly won't save us any money because we still would have to buy formula for the supplementer, and then I'd lose my power to make my husband get up and do the nighttime feedings because I'm SURE he'd be all like "honey, you're trying to induce lactation."

And seriously, the whole adoption process is hard enough without adding another complication. For those out there who have successfully done adoptive breastfeeding, more power to you, but I just don't think it's for me. Many babies thrive on formula, and even though it's not nature's best, it will just have to do.

Who knows. Maybe Jack is just trying to ease you into weaning. But whatever you do, I'm quite sure your decision on breastfeeding at this stage won't ruin his life either way, so you're good.

[Tara]

Breastfeeding is hard. Even when it's going well. I'm not about to stop any time soon, but I have been pretty down lately about how Shea won't take a bottle and I feel totally tied down. If it's not one thing, it's another, right? Hang in there! Hope you figure out what you're supposed to do soon. :)

Shea is not a comfort nurser, either. Unless she's REALLY tired, she's constantly looking for something to grab (my hair), biting, trying to push off my arm with her feet, etc. Ok, so it's really not that bad, but sometimes it feels like it.

[Emily]

You've probably read my well-documented struggles with breastfeeding. All I can say now is that I don't ever look back and say I wish I had continued to breastfeed. Now that Asher is a year old, there is so much more to focus on than what he eats, and the whole guilty-for-not-wanting-to-or-even-LIKING breastfeeding thing doesn't ever cross my mind. So if you do choose to stop, just don't beat yourself up about it. If you don't? Don't beat yourself up about that either.

[annie]

After nearly 13 months, we are down to 1 breastfeed per day. This is not due as much to my initial plan to breastfeed for "about a year" as it is to the fact that I'm pregnant again and just don't think that my body can fairly support a pea-sized baby and a 23 pound toddler at the same time. I have to say that as we near "the end" I finally have that emotional feeling about breastfeeding that all of the books said I'd have from day one. Don't get me wrong - I was fiercely determined to breastfeed exclusively, regardless of what anyone else (including my husband) thought or said. But I never had that "feeling" never experienced that euphoria that was supposed to come along with it. Now, though, as we near the end (literally less than a week or so), I feel like I have to memorize every moment. I guess we're like that with a lot of things - not realizing how we really feel about them until they're almost gone. And maybe that's what you've experienced - not realizing your attachment to that time with Jack until the thought of it ending crossed your mind. Just remember that this decision, like all the others, has to be about what's right for Jack and for you. Where do you feel most comfortable? I agree with Emily - whichever you choose, don't beat yourself up over it. There's far too many things to enjoy about being Jack's mom.

[jenney]

Every kid is different Marcus loved BFing (we did it until 18mths). If it were up to him he would still be BF. He wants to be with me 24/7. He screams how much he loves me from the bus every single day. Corinne on the other hand wanted nothing to do with it. I forced her for months but she wanted to feed herself. Corinne is the most independent child and at 3 would probably tell me buzz off if she could. So don't take it badly you gave it the good fight and he did get breast milk those first really important months.

[Leticia]

I never bought into the whole bonding thing either with nursing. I did it mainly because it was free and good. However, I started having problems with supply at around 12 weeks or so. (I think its tied to when I had my first menstral after I had the baby.) I went back to work and was taking supplements - at least 12 pills a day to try to keep the production going. I was pumping 8 times a day....but still just not producing enough. So at around 15 weeks, I stopped. I felt so much guilt. I think its because I felt like I couldn't provide something. Up until that point, I felt like even if I failed at so many things...if I breastfed at least its one critical thing that I was doing "right". When I had to give it up, I really wanted to give it up...but I felt bad that I couldn't provide what my baby needed. And, I even felt guilty for wanting to stop...like I didn't care enough to continue.

Of course, just like Emily said, you totally get over that. It feels bad. It feels like you are a failure. But, after a while, the whole perspective thing kicks in and you realize this really isn't the biggest thing in the world.

So, don't beat yourself up. :o)

[jackie]

at least you got to skip the part where he discovers you have another nipple and then proceeds to pinch it really hard at 4 am. Just sayin'.

Really, though, you're a champ for hanging in there as long as you have! I'm proud of you -- and you take such good care of your kid, do what you need to do anymore :)

[carrie]

Are you on your period by any chance? (You so do not need to answer that.) If so, that totally messed with my breast milk levels. It's possible it's a hormone fluctuation and you will get your supply back.

Seriously though, you've done great! Really! Pat yourself on the back! Formula is not the enemy. :)

HUGS

[Nessa]

I've got nothing to say about the boob thing as there are no children whose daily sustainence really on that ( if you don't count the husband!), but I was thinking about your "no -expectantions" attitude before Jack was born. I think that's exactly where you should be now. You're child is thriving and growing and beautiful. If you are ready to go to formula he will not all of a sudden stop growing,thriving,become less beautiful, etc. You are a great mom and need to do what's best for your sanity. Jack still needs you whether you feed him boob juice or formula. Either way, the stuff has to come out of him and someone needs to change those poopy diapers!

[el-e-e]

Right there with ya, Maggie (3 years ago). Bfeeding for me was definitely a chore and an ordeal, not an earth-mother-child bonding experience. Gah. Darn your weepy emotions for confusing you!

Hope the situation resolves itself easily. If he likes bottles, you know what? I say Bottles It Is! :)