Skip this, come back tomorrow

This sleep thing is killing me.

I know I know. This is possibly the most boring topic on earth. I KNOW. I have had to listen to myself for a whole MONTH now going on and on about sleep and how to make it happen in my house. I've resolved numerous times to just "go with the flow" and "see what happens" and "stop obsessing", but really people. When have I EVER gone with the flow?

The thing is, Jack is not a horrible sleeper. He has never been awake all day. He has never been awake all night. Right now, in fact, he is sleeping like an angel, and at the appropriate nap time as well. We had to WAKE HIM UP to get to church on time (and let me tell you, there was quite the conversation about whether we should endure eternal hellfire for ditching church and letting the baby sleep, or enduring the more present hell, which is a cranky overtired baby. In the end God won, but if it hadn't been for feeling obligated to the old lady we drive to church on Sundays, I might still be in my pajamas.)

But! Even though I feel we are doing relatively well in the getting-enough-sleep department, I am constantly tormenting myself about what we should be doing. Today's self-berating is sponsored by Putting Your Baby Down Awake. I have never done this. Well, that's not exactly true. I have never done this and had it work. When it's nap time, Jackson and I go upstairs, read a book, pop the pacifier in and rock and rock and rock (it's more like dancing, actually, since I'm standing up and bouncing around) until he's pretty much out. On a good day I put him down and he sleeps for at least an hour. On a bad day I put him down and his eyes flash open and the process starts over. I blame myself, of course, for not putting him down awake when he was a teeny baby. I should have started that early on, but to be honest? I was too busy congratulating myself for figuring out when he needed to take a nap in the first place. There I was telling everyone what a great napper he is, when NO, I should have been bashing my head against a wall for ensuring month four to five would go kablooey.

Seriously. I am trying to be funny about this, but my laptop is going to crash from the, uh, dripping into the keyboard.

It's not like I think I will be rocking him to sleep when he's thirteen. Or that I've somehow damaged his psyche or something. It's more like I know I've done something wrong. WRONG. I swing between Excuse Me, How Is It Wrong To Rock Your Sweet Baby To Sleep and Holy Bad Habit, Batman, You Have Been Kicked Out Of The Smart Mom Club. One moment I am all, "He's still little, it's probably a phase, maybe 5 months will be better, we'll just do what works for now" and the other moment I am hunting for the corkscrew and sobbing into my big glass of Failure.

What have I been doing about it? You mean, how have I been attempting to be a Good Mom? I've read the books. I've asked my friends. I've scoured the internet. I make sure I am not the only one who puts him to sleep. (Phillip puts him to bed, grandmothers often put him down for naps, Phillip will do the first night waking so he doesn't get the idea it's time to eat.) We swaddled. We unswaddled (We went back to swaddling for nighttime sleep, and the last two nights have been a lot better.) We've done our best to keep to a nighttime routine. We've tried early bedtimes. We've tried waiting until he's visibly tired before starting the nighttime routine. We have, oh yes, let him cry. But except for one evening when he fell asleep on his own after ten to fifteen minutes of fussing, one of us always ends up rocking him to or back to sleep.

My mentally balanced and laid back husband has simply decided that he is too young for full blown CIO (our version was more fuss-it-out than cry-it-out) and we'll wait until the five month mark at least to try something new. The last two nights we've been able to get him down fairly easily, so it's easier to think like this. But I can sit here and read myself the riot act for not being consistent on our fussing-it-out experiement, for not canceling every single evening obligation in order to make sure he has the perfect sleep environment. I wonder how my friends got their babies to sleep on their own at Jack's age or before, and wonder what I'm doing wrong. Only today it occurred to me that if I was letting him fuss at night I should probably let him fuss for naps too. I have no idea how that's going to work, since every day is different. The sleep thing is killing me.

But the boy? He's fine.

I can't help it if my mother's a psychopath.

Comments

[Tara]

We always bounce Shea to sleep in our arms, too. We tried the "putting down drowsy but awake" thing a few times and it was like gouging needles through our eyeballs. I'm not sure what we're going to do, if anything.

So, at least we're in the same boat!

I have a friend who just had a baby (after having a high maintenance first child), and he LIKES his bed. Would rather fall asleep there than in their arms. I still don't get it. Kids are just different, I guess!

[Christina]

My oldest didn't fall to sleep on her own until at least 8 months. And even then she had to cry for 30 minutes first. When #2 came along, I popped him into the crib for a second to go do something and when I came back, he was asleep. I was shocked, I had no idea a baby could do that. So, my conclusion is every baby is different and STOP beating yourself up!!!!! Do what works and don't worry about damaging your kid... he's only 5 months old for heaven's sake, no habit is that set in stone yet! :)

[Emily]

The truth is that there are a lot more people out there who do something other than just put the baby down to fall asleep on his own than you think there are. Yes, it is ideal to be able to do that. Do we do it? We started to, at 10.5 months. And he is picking it up pretty quickly. For months 4-9 though? He always drifted off with a bottle. Which, don't even started with me on how horrible a habit that was. But it doesn't matter because now he's figuring it out and it's stressful, but don't beat yourself up about having a kid who needs some help to fall asleep. Some kids are just that way. The End.

[Annie]

Oh my goodness. When did Fat the Bunny get smaller than the boy? Have I just not been paying attention? Wow.

And as for putting the baby down awake - I don't think we started that until 9-10 months. For our own sanity. I really think that if you're doing what works for you and what works for right now, you're fine. Of course, for us that meant nursing the baby to sleep....which, now that it's time to wean him (on a schedule only because of the recent arrival of baby #2 into the womb) presents an entirely new challenge.
I agree with Emily - VERY FEW people are really doing it the way all of us first time moms think they're doing it. Remind yourself of that and then do what works for you.

[Sara]

So, here's the thing. I agree with the little of the above comments I've read. Jackson is his own baby, not the baby books' baby. Lots and lots and lots of babies really struggle with sleep around four or five months. I kinda get the feeling that feeling that you should be doing it differently is almost making you crazier than the actual sleep issues he's having. Really, don't sweat this. If you want to do things differently at his bedtimes, try it, but if you don't want to or it doesn't work, you're not a bad mommy. I tried the same stuff with both my girls. One screamed bloody murder every night til three months, then slept beautifully after that-you'd lay her down, walk away, she'd be out. The other slept nine hours a night from 7 weeks to 6 months, and didn't sleep a night through again until about 14 months. We just now are laying her down awake, at 18 months, and she'll sleep after a few minutes of screaming bloody murder.

[Jennifer]

Awww, you'll be fine. Look at that healthy glow on his face.

Benadryl works, too, you know.

(Holy cow Ministry of Moms Network, I'm just joking! Turn off you spyware and stop emailing me!)

[Maureen]

I third Emily. We rocked Jack to sleep for a long time, and I panicked about it, quietly, for almost as long. Remember how I wrote about asking my eldest sister to tell me to relax? Because I was afraid that I'd be rocking Jack to sleep for the next 17 years? And she said, "Relax. Relax, relax, relax, relax, relax. He's either going to cry now or later." GENIUS. See, if you need to rock (or bounce or jiggle or whatever) him now and it works, just do it. At some point, it will stop working, and you'll figure it out then. You can try to let him FIO now, but just because he fusses now is no guarantee he will not fuss again later when he's going through the next developmental thing that futzes with his sleep. And just because you don't let him FIO now doesn't mean you will be screwed when he's 1. Because babies CHANGE ALL THE TIME. Four months seems like a lifetime ago for me, but it was only 7 months ago! Less than a pregnancy! And my Jack currently goes to sleep like a freaking angel and dear GOD I hope I'm not jinxing anything by writing it down. But we had to go through a couple weeks of strife before I realized he didn't want to be rocked anymore.

New paragraph. Also, another sister and I have a theory that all babies are different (I know, radical theory), but that moms, in their limited experience with only a few babies, think that whatever worked for them is the Right Thing To Do and should work for everyone. So if a mom got lucky and had a baby who went down easily, awake, she might get all high and mighty and preach about how she never spoiled her baby by rocking him to sleep. The good news is that mom is doomed to have a second baby who will only sleep while being held, so don't worry, she'll get hers.

Also, everything seems worse because you are sleep deprived. Keep telling yourself this is temporary. It's temporary. I swear. I promise. I can't tell you how long it will last, but it will not be forever. And also, you can try different things, like FIO for 15 minutes or whatever, and if it doesn't work, he'll be fine. There's no way for you to figure out what he needs without experimentation, so don't be afraid to experiment. You can go back to what was (sort-of) working if your new thing doesn't help.

I feel for you, Maggie, I really do. I hope Jackson sorts things out soon and lets you get some sleep!

[Leticia]

We are having similar issues. My baby boy was born 5/7...just days away from Jackson and while we don't do any kind of rocking routine (he actually hates to be held when going to sleep), we let him drift asleep with a bottle propped in his mouth as he sleeps in his boppy. Horrible habit. Horrible. (I was always paranoid about creating any kind of sleeping routine that the daycare was not going to be able to keep up, that's why no rocking. I figured they wouldn't/couldn't do that.)

Anyway, all this to say that most everyone turns to a bad habit because it works. Eventually he'll outgrow this stage and sleep with ease. Mine was waking up every 2 hours. I was going CRAZY trying to stay awake at work. But, now he's back to a better routine waking once per night....he's turning over himself now so I htink he can make himself comfortable by turning in the middle of the night.

Don't worry. It will be fine. We all go through it.

[karianne]

Kids suck! Until you look at them, and then, all is perfect. Good luck with the big glass of Failure. It goes down like chalk doesn't it?

I'm still beating myself up about not using cloth diapers and Ivy is now 4. When I let it go, I'll tell you how I did it.

Hoping the self forgiveness fairy visits you soon.

[Jennifer]

Not a mom, so no helpful advice. However, LOVE.THE.SOCKS. He is just so adorable, I guess I don't understand the problem, if you're awake you should be gazing at him and basking in the cuteness. ;)

[Kate P]

Fat the Bunny needs vitamins to keep up with Jackson!

(Something else to cheer you up--did you know Kristen Bell was doing the VO's on "Gossip Girl"? Insipid show but she sounds fantastic.)

[Madame Queen]

Oh, how I remember those days! I would obsess about sleep, too. AND what they should be eating! AND how much!

Mine are 2 and 4.5 now and although sleep is still sometimes an issue with the 2 year old, it is better. I was never consistent. I tried the CIO thing until I made the mistake of going in there and seeing my precious little baby sobbing, hiccuping, with tears pouring down his face. My thoughts, and these are just my thoughts so you can take them with a grain of salt, but little babies don't need to cry it out. They need comfort and I say give it to them. Fortunately for me, both of mine would go down awake as long as they had a pacifier.

Everybody always says "Check out a book called Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" so I did. And it DOES have some interesting things to say (although he does advocating letting your child CIO, even if they vomit -- NO WAY!) about setting regular bedtimes and regular naptimes. Might be worth a look.

So, after saying all that, my ultimate advice is something you've already said "Do what works for now." That's all any of us can do, really. We're all doing the best we can. I think we should all give ourselves a pat on the back!