The plethora of things I'm doing wrong

We're having some sleep issues over here, Internet.

The baby is five weeks old. During the previous four weeks I was content to say, "There is no schedule, there is no routine, there is just doing what works and he's too little be spoiled anyway." For some reason the 5 week mark has me all anxious. Are we holding him too much? Are we supposed to have some kind of nap schedule during the day? He's eating differently, why is he eating differently? He used to like being held that way but now he only wants to be held this way. Why is he so gurgly for so long after eating? Why doesn't he nurse to sleep like all the books say? The baby slept on my chest half the night, is that bad? Should we start a nighttime routine? How do you start a nighttime routine when your baby keeps changing what he does and wants every couple of days?

Right now the baby is on his back in the Pack n Play next to my bed, fidgeting and talking to himself. This, after Phillip held and bounced him for an hour and I held and bounced him for a half hour. Who knows why it's okay to put him down now?

After he eats he'll pass out in that drunk-on-milk state for about five minutes. Then he starts gurgling and swallowing, like he didn't get it all down. We put him upright and burp him and bounce him and that seems to help, but it goes on for quite a while. Sometimes he spits up. Sometimes he spits up a whole hour after he last ate.

I know all of these things could be entirely normal. On the other hand, I have no idea if these things are entirely normal.

After a month of allowing myself to do whatever feels right, I'm starting to feel like I have to start actually being a parent. Teach him how and where to sleep. Make sure he has a routine. My mother-in-law has been hanging out here during the day for two weeks and if the baby isn't eating, he is sleeping in her arms. I have no problem with this. I haven't ever "put the baby down for a nap" because I love holding him. I don't even know how to put the baby to sleep by himself. If I'm not holding him I am perfectly okay with someone else holding him. But do I need to put him down now? Make sure he knows he's not always going to have a cozy pair of arms to nap in? (Like this is going to work- my mother arrives stateside tomorrow.)

AND the baby almost always sleeps with us. Before he was born I thought he'd sleep in the Pack n Play until he started sleeping longer stretches, then we'd put him in the crib. But I don't want him to sleep in the crib. I love having him in our room, at least for right now. I love him sleeping next to me. I still haven't figured out how to feed him in bed (I've given up altogether actually, and now we go straight to the comfy chair in his room and this works better for both of us) but if he's fussy or awake, it's just so much easier to comfort him if he's right next to me. I know he can sleep by himself because occasionally he does, so have I messed him up having him sleep with me all the time? He even spent most of last night sleeping ON me.

Now the baby is straitjacketed in the Moby. I can get him to sleep about 80% of the time if I slide him in the wrap, but it's not terribly useful if I want to, say, take a shower.

I didn't think I would be this way. I totally thought I could be one of those moms who does cry-it-out. I'm tough. I'd whip that baby into shape. But it's not even that I can't whip the baby into shape- I have absolutely no desire to make him do anything. Sure it'd be nice if we could reliably get him to sleep or if he had an eating pattern or if we had an idea of we want our nighttime routine to be, but I mostly don't care. I might care more next week, or the week afterwards, but right now I am totally fine if the baby spends 23 out of 24 hours in someone's arms. When do I need to start caring? Last week?

I am not okay with this gurgly thing though. I feel like all the time in between feedings (if he's not sleeping on Grandma, is Grandma magic?) is spent trying to get the bubbles out. Of course it's worse at the 11 pm feeding and the 5 am feeding. But not every time. It doesn't seem to be anything I'm eating. I don't think he has reflux. I think at first it's about the bubbles and then about needing to be soothed.

I don't know. I'm tired. This post probably makes no sense. I'm afraid I'm doing the bad habit thing. Then again I don't believe in the bad habit thing. And he's still little. Gah.

Happy Friday. My parents fly in tomorrow and they are not going back. I am so excited.

Comments

[annie]

You don't need to start caring....you do care! That's abundantly clear throughout this entire post. If you didn't care, you wouldn't be worried about all these things. I worried about all the same things until finally someone told me that, for the first 3 months, DON'T WORRY ABOUT A ROUTINE. Let him sleep when he needs to, how he needs to, and where he needs to. Eventually you'll start noticing patterns, and as things fall into order, you'll try new things and find out what works for you. Especially, can I say, when it comes to holding your baby while he sleeps. You'll be surprised how quickly the time goes by - all of a sudden, he won't be able to sleep in your arms or on your chest anymore because he'll want to stretch out in his bed. If you're okay with holding him now, then DO IT! Newborn stage, though not the easiest time, is precious time. Just continue doing what feels right and what works for your precious son who needs to eat and sleep so he can grow big and strong. All the other stuff will fall into place. You can do it - you're doing great.

[Emeth Hesed]

I used to think I'd be OK with my kids crying, and I'd do what I needed to do with them so I could get thing done. Not so. For the first couple months after she was born, if she wouldn't stop crying (which happened every now and then), my eyes would start tearing up, and then my husband would walk around the room pulling his hair out. LOL.

There were a few people who wanted me to put my baby on a regular feeding and sleeping schedule so they would get proper "discipline" ... oh, also, learn to sleep by themselves. Just writing about it makes my blood boil.

Now is the time when Jackson is growing faster than he ever has before. His needs will change from day to day. Just because he needed to nurse about every 3 hours or so a previous week doesn't mean his body will need the same amount this week.

I decided that forcing her to follow a schedule would be selfish (what am I doing around here, anyway?). I figured she would let me know what she needed. Since I've relaxed about it, she's relaxed, too, and become a much happier baby.

The gurgling sound is really scary and it totally freaked me out. It sounded like a death rattle to me. I called my midwife, my mother, my aunt, my friends, and they all told me not to worry. As long as he's breathing, he should be fine.

My baby started teething lately and was screaming horribly for a week but one of my friends introduced me to homeopathic teething tablets and that's worked miracles.

http://www.hylands.com/products/teething.php

I think you're doing fine. Just follow your instincts and keep asking people you trust if you think something is wrong.

Older parents I really respect whose kids have turned out wonderfully have told me that for the first year or so, it's good to let the baby let you know what to do. After that, as they start moving around and inevitably start doing dangerous things, *absolutely* stop them from hurting themselves (forks in electric sockets) but otherwise let them have their freedom.

I'm not there yet, but that's what I'm planning to do. She's started rolling and writhing around (pre-crawling, I guess). It's amazing how far she can go like that. I move everything she should touch out of her reach and let her go wherever she wants to.

Um. Sorry for blabbing on so long....

[carrie]

As far as schedules, we didn't have one for at least 2 months, maybe more with our youngest. Our oldest never had a schedule. In fact he laughed his evil laugh (er, I mean shrieked his ear-piercing shriek) and lived his life with one goal in mind -- never adapt to a schedule.

With my oldest, I didn't plan to co-sleep, it just happened to end up that way because that was the only place that he would sleep, and quite frankly, I simply enjoyed having him there. I rocked him to sleep, and I (or MIL, or G-ma-IL, or Hubby) held him while he slept. I will admit to you that the longer you do that, the more ingrained it will become in head that that is how sleeping goes and that is what is normal. We did it so long that we really couldn't undo it.
However I am NOT telling you that it is wrong. We had some of our best moments with him snuggled sweetly in my arms, or between hubby and I in bed. In fact his first real laugh was right there, between us in the dark. Those are moments that I hold close to my heart.
With our second though, I did start him out by putting him in the crib 95% of the time to sleep. And I often laid him down awake. With two it would just be too hard to continue living life in that manner, and besides he was actually happy and content to be in his own bed, wonder of all wonders.
So in a nut-shell, yes you might be encouraging him to sleep that way, but it's not a problem unless it's a problem to you.
Snuggling a child and having him come to expect it hasn't ever seemed wrong to me.
Oh, and I was going to say as far as the spitting up, gurgling thing... does that mostly happen when he has a really long nursing session where he might be kind of eating in his sleep or for comfort and be getting his tummy too full, or is that a common thing?
Does he seem terribly unhappy and unable to lay flat? I ask that because ds1 who would not sleep anywhere but our arms had acid reflux and his poor stomach was hurting. It was horrible! But I definitely knew something was not right by his screaming, and general unhappy state, and his lack of sleeping on anything flat. Definitely not trying to scare or diagnose. Just saying that if he also has these symptoms you might want to talk with your ped about it. It seems that reflux is becoming increasingly more common, and I have no idea why. ???
I want to end my novel (heh) by saying this... If there is one thing that I have learned from parenting in the past nearly 4 years, it is that everything works it's self our in the end. I used to get really freaked out by whether I was doing things right, and if I was messing him up, or whatever. And over time I've seen that all of these issues that caused me anxiety resolved themselves in due time with less to-do than I could have ever imagined. So don't be too hard on yourself and stress out over it, cuz you're loving Jackson, and that's all that he needs. (well, that and your boobs.)

[Laura]

Since I didn't start with a newborn I don't have a lot of advice. The only thing I can tell you for sure is do what you feel is right. I know a lot of people don't like co-sleeping but really the US is the only place in the world where it doesn't happen a lot. Annslee co-slept until we brought her home and she still ends up in bed with us sometimes...I personally LOVE waking up to kisses from her : )
The routine will come...just take your time. So happy grandparents are on their way!!!!

[Arwen]

I like what Moxie says about sleep during the first three months: by any means necessary. I also like what my mother has always said about parenthood in general during the first three months: if everyone is fed and clothed, you're doing your job, and the rest is just gravy.

I actively avoided reading parenting books because I know my own tendency to always want to follow the rules and do things perfectly (hello firstborn!). And the fact is that it is impossible to do things perfectly as a parent. Parenthood is a huge guessing game, and I think that is especially true during the first year.

People will tell you a million things you *should* be doing, but they are not the parents of your child. What you "should" do it trust your instincts and give yourself a break. The truth about parenting a baby is that the baby himself doesn't really care about whether you're doing it "right" or not. He just cares about whether his needs are met. Getting him to sleep in any particular position or place, putting him on any sort of a schedule, modifying his behavior in any way: all that stuff benefits the parents, not the baby. If you're happy, he's happy.

I think the absolute best thing you can do for yourself as a parent of a baby is to make a concrete decision to have confidence in yourself. If you're doing whatever makes life happiest, easiest, and best for you and Phillip and Jackson, then you are doing a great job.

Can I get an amen?

[Christina]

I think you've got some time yet before you need to worry about bad habits - and even longer for "spoiling." But then, I could never get my babies to nap or go to bed on a schedule. My first didn't sleep well on her own until she was about 9 months old and it took much longer than that to get her to nap on her own. I'd plop down in front of the TV or pick up a good book and then nurse her to sleep and let her nap in my arms. It worked for her and forced me to relax, so all in all, not a bad thing. :)

Hooray for your mom's arrival!! I think it's awesome your son has 2 grandmas who can spend so much time with him. (And you are one very lucky daughter/DIL!!)

[Laura]

I'm a new reader, came over from Arwen right before you had Jackson. Congratulations! And great blog.

Anyway, it sounds like you're having what I like to call the "six week freak out", only you're having it one week early because you're so on top of things. I have 3 kids and the freak out was especially bad the first two times. The new baby adrenaline is wearing off, you're TIRED. You feel like you should be settling in. And you are, you're doing great.

Use the first 3 months to survive and start to sort out a routine after that. The bad habits come way later and you can always undo them. Good luck!

[Sara]

You're doing great. Don't worry. I never thought I'd cosleep and have with both girls, and I really like it (most the time-bigger baby flopping over the bed can get a little old)-but they are precious and sleeping next to them is amazing and the time passes so fast. I figure if the baby sleeps in my arms and in my bed, it's wonderful. But it's also OK to want a little time or space to yourself-sometimes, with a nursing baby, I get so damn tired of BEING TOUCHED ALL THE TIME. (Poor DH).

If Jackson seems in pain with the gurgling, I'd worry. If not, I doubt it's a big deal. Little tiny babies make insanely loud noises. Else would let these huge farts out every morning-they sounded like they came from a truck driver-it was very startling. And her dad would say, after every one-"Chip off the old block"

[Jennifer]

after having seemingly perfect digestion for the first three weeks, Bronwyn has suddenly started grunting, groaning, and spitting up. ALL NIGHT LONG. Even in her sleep.

My take on it is that the milk has been slowly changing quantity and composition over time--why wouldn't her intestinal processes have some creaks and groans to compensate? (This by the way is AFTER we were given the go ahead to stop supplementation so this is on 100% breast milk.) I'm not a big believer in mother's diet affecting babies (neither is Dr. Jim) though I suppose there are some cases where this really is so I think it is likely to be rare.

BABIES ARE GASSY. Especially before three months of age.

I forget where I read this but it was basically one of these "stop over-thinking" articles I need to read every once in a while.

I'm starting NOT A SCHEDULE but a set of RITUALS at certain times of the day. She basically ignores them but I think they keep ME sane. Maybe eventually they will comfort her and give her cues for sleep.

But mostly I think it is what reminds me what day and night are and keeps my sense of time fluid.

I'm thinking all the same things though. Though sort of the opposite--if she isn't crying and is happy lying on her back looking at a mobile or swinging in her swing is it okay to leave her be? I feel guilty if I don't hold her but sometimes she seems rather content.

Finally got the hang of the Moby. LOVE IT.

I'm two handed typing courtesy of this insanely expensive piece of cotton.

She loves it too. It's like a sleeping pill.

Love!

[Emily]

We let Asher set his own schedule - and I didn't really notice a "pattern" until he was almost 3 months old. He slept when he wanted to, and for the first three months, he slept anywhere we wanted him to: crib, bouncy seat, cradle or on our chests. (Dave misses having a teeny baby who can sleep on his chest, so do it while you can. Before you know it he'll be 20 pounds and will SUFFOCATE YOU.)

And "schedule" is such a weird word. I always thought a baby schedule would end up being something I could set a clock by. WRONG. When Asher turned 3 months, his "schedule" was being awake for two hours, then taking a nap. Repeat. That's about it. I fed him when he was hungry.

As Maureen will tell you, babies don't develop bad habits until month three at the earliest.

[Emily]

P.S. You sound like you're doing everything exactly right.