Feeling sorry for myself is not my most attractive quality

Yesterday I went to visit a friend who had a baby one week ago. Said baby is the same size as my child, although my child is already one month old. She came out with the cord around her neck and let's just say my friend did not have the easiest time of things. Friend is doing quite well, considering, but visiting her made me feel about two inches big for having the gall to complain about anything. One month later I am feeling almost- almost!- back to normal. My baby is gaining weight (like crazy). I am going out and about, I haven't had to cook myself dinner since the beginning of May, my husband is still getting out of bed and getting me a glass of water at 3 in the morning and I have no end of lovely people wanting to watch the baby so I can take my holy shower.

But this is my website, which means I can write about whatever I want, including shallow whiny rants about things I have no business complaining about. So here I go.

DEAR UNIVERSE: CAN I PLEASE HAVE MY PRE-PREGNANCY BODY BACK?

And Internet, the pre-pregnancy body was nothing to write home about, certainly not worth a blog entry. My whole life I have been the chubby dark-haired girl with the glasses and the nose and the decidedly un-slender appendages. I have always been friends with skinny blond things and girls who know how to dress and wear their hair. Some time ago I made my peace with being the Fat Friend who could never borrow clothes or shop in the same section. I attempt to make up for it with my delightful personality and splendid sense of humor. I did manage to talk the Devastatingly Handsome Chinese Man into dating me, but still. My little sisters wear sizes I wore in the sixth grade. 

One day I decided I was going to lose some weight and lo, the angels appeared and seas were parted and it actually worked. I lost weight. Enough to necessitate new clothes. Enough so that I went and bought an Actual Swimsuit to wear on my trip to Hawaii, a swimsuit I wore in public, in front of people, people who could see.

And then? THEN I GOT PREGNANT.

Pregnancy? Not so bad. The only pregnancy symptom I had, in fact, was quickly growing out of everything I owned. I hated it. I may have written about it a time or two. I may have sent a moany email or three to internet friends who could commiserate with me. But about the time I started to look pregnant instead of pleasingly plump (this is what my grandmother calls fat. Isn't she sweet?) I snapped out of it. Sort of. "Self," I said sternly, "you are pregnant. You are growing another person. It is recommended, nay, required that you pack on a few pounds." And oh, I did. Hello weekly gallon of ice cream!

I wonder what I'd look like now if I hadn't told myself it was perfectly acceptable to devour that gallon of ice cream (and the garlic bread and the Hershey bars and the doughnuts people were continually bringing to the office.) I can spend an entire feeding session berating myself for these indulgences and then berating myself for feeling sorry for myself because BOO HOO. Like I was unaware that ice cream does not equal spinach.

My baby is a month old. I was not expecting to fit into my Hawaii swimsuit or the handful of sun dresses I bought last summer at this point. There was a reason I saved a lot of my "fat" clothes. What I didn't expect was that I'd be far from squeezing into my fat clothes, that I'd have to make emergency runs to Target and Old Navy to stock up on things I could wear in public. I can't live in my yoga pants and maternity tank tops forever. During the 80 degree week (and I don't care what you crazy Southerners say, 85 is HOT) I went and bought a pair of shorts in a size I have never worn before. EVER. And then I went home and died.

Nine months on, nine months off. Breastfeeding works miracles. Soon you'll be able to get out more and push that kid around the lake in his stroller. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I feel miserable NOW. Sunday morning I nearly threatened my husband with divorce for not waking me up in time to sit inside the closet and decide which of the four things that fit me would be acceptable to wear to church.

When I think about the hardest thing about having a new baby, this body image thing takes the cake. I know that means I am blessed with a fabulous kid, few feeding problems, a fantastic husband, enough sleep and lots of help. I know I have absolutely nothing to complain about. But then I go to get dressed in the morning and some of those mornings I could seriously crawl under the bed and sob. Except that is where I store my skirts and summer tops and I am working on forgetting they are there. My mom says hating what you look like is why women get post-partum depression and I almost believe her.

Okay. Sorry. I had no intention of sharing all of this with the INTERNET, but my other topic choices lately are incredibly un-bloggable (and oh, how sad for you!) and I have to write about SOMETHING. Right?

The genes say: you won't have scrawny chicken legs forever, kid.

Comments

[Jenn]

Is there any worse saying than "pleasingly plump?" I don't know that there is. Some old guy called me that in line at the bank once and I was so angry that I couldn't even say anything. All I can offer you is an awkward internet hug.

[Laura]

First...rant, whine, vent all you want. It is your blog and that is what your bloggy friends are here for. Secondly, I assume I am one of the crazy Southerners you are referring to ha ha.
Finally, you are beautiful inside and out and you WILL be in those cute under the bed clothes in no time. Do not stress about this..enjoy the baby and hubby who gets you water at 3 am!
{{{{HUGS}}}}

[Christina]

A new mommy can rant and cry about anything she wants to - it's in the rule book. I remember being SO frustrated that I was wearing maternity clothing weeks after my 1st was born - and it wasn't attractive clothing to begin with. And then there's those really annoying people who seem to go skinny 2 seconds after the baby is born which just makes you feel worse. You WILL lose the weight - breastfeeding was the ultimate awesome diet for me, I know it doesn't work for everyone, but... - and you will be going on walks and hey that weight you are carrying around everywhere (AKA "your son") is getting a little heavier every day which means you are progressively lifting more weight and thus getting in better shape and leaner and all that good stuff too.
It's okay to feel frustrated, but you don't need to. You ARE beautiful, as you are TODAY. And that child you grew in your very own womb? Adorable. Be proud of that. :-)

[Emily]

I felt this way too. And I'll be honest - it sucked. I wore my maternity clothes forever. I went out and bought horrible stretchy waist clothes just because they fit, not because they were cute or even comfortable. I cried and threw tantrums every time someone wanted us to come over to their deck for a casual cookout because I had nothing to wear and I felt horrible and thought I looked horrible and yes I know what it feels like and it just plain SUCKS.

It is going to suck for another month or two. But your belly will slowly firm up. You'll get used to doing all the baby things. And then? Once you feel comfortable in this new life? You can adjust your new body.

Weight Watchers online has been a lifesaver for me. I'm now down 17 pounds in just over nine weeks. And if you want to sign up, they have an option for nursing moms. Email me if you want to whine more or if you want to know more. I've been there. I feel you, girl. No matter how encouraging everyone is, it doesn't change much about how you feel about being trapped in a new, different body.

[Emily]

P.S. When I posted my last comment, my security code was p7ubze.

PUBES? That's some sick IT joke, isn't it.

[E.]

I agree with Emily. It sucked, sucked, sucked, sucked, sucked. And I think your mom is on to something, though from experience I can tell you there is a bit more to the post-partum depression thing than just body image issues (though it certainly contributes to the problem). I also agree with Christina: be proud of your baby, be proud of this miracle your body accomplished. Try to focus on this amazing thing your body has done rather than how you think it looks. O.K., I think I made myself gag a bit there. I mean, it is good advice, and I mean it sincerely, but I got to reflecting on how I felt right after giving birth and remembered the death rays I shot out of my eyes at people who gave me such advice. Please don't shoot death rays at me.

[Kate]

I think you look beautiful.

[jenney]

I hear you! (I being a chubby white chick married to one good looking chinese guy too)
I always lost weight throughout the first year and then bam lost 10 lbs the second I stopped breastfeeding.
Good luck! And totally get that kid used to the stroller now b/c just from experience my one hour walk is my only 1 hour minus whining, fighting and crying. Its the only time I get to listen to non-kid music and get an entire thought out in my head without someone yelling "she is looking at me!" or "I WANT...."
total sidenote... if you are interested we actually have a weightloss group for interracial asian families on sparkpeople. Where else can you find people discussing the dieting don'ts of dim sum?

[Arwen]

I agree with Kate. You are lovely and Jackson is lovely and if I wish I lived nearby so I could come over and hold him while you took your shower, and then we could sit around and drink wine and talk about sore nipples and baby poop, and then laugh about the fact that we are talking about those things.

New motherhood is hard, and I think you are doing a darn fine job. And I am right about this.

Hugs to you and kisses to the little guy.

[Shannon]

I think you look beautiful, but I understand where you are coming from. With my 2nd I wore maternity pants for, oh, probably a month, and then drawstring pants for who knows how long after. You are not alone, but it will get better.

[Emeth Hesed]

You expressed exactly how I felt the first three months or so. People told me to keep breastfeeding and the weight would go away. After three months of the same yoga pants and nursing tanktops and wearing potato bags to church on Sunday, it didn't matter how many people told me I was beautiful, I was really depressed. It's been almost 6 months now and I've lost about half the baby weight and am starting to feel better about how I look. It just takes time, I guess.

Oh, and my baby was a skinny, scrawny, tiny thing for the longest time, though she nurses like crazy 'round the clock. She's started filling out though, and at 6 months is finally showing signs of perhaps growing out of her 0-3 month clothes. She's a beauty and I love watching her.

Keep looking at the baby and enjoying him. God bless you!!

[Stef]

You look marvellous! And Jackson is darling! While not easy sometimes, remember to try and be gentle with yourself.

[jackie]

Yes. And at 6 months postpartum, I am *still* in my fat clothes despite breastfeeding full time and lo, I have had to buy new clothes as well as new shoes, because my feet got longer as much as my waistline did. Alas. I think your theory about postpartum depression could be correct.

But how cute do you look with that baby! It is the best accessory for hiding those extra postpartum pounds :D

[Kate P]

Sorry I'm late to the post but what a wonderful picture! You have a million dollar smile, Maggie. And I'm glad to hear you're feeling (almost) back to normal! :)

[Jennifer]

Oh yes---I am there, too, though trying to remain upbeat about it. I am dreading seeing my husband's family for the Baptism in a few weeks as they are all thin and critical of fatties.

The baby is a lovely accessory though and hides a mutlitude of sins. I will wear black or brown to the baptism and hold Bronwyn proudly in front of my BULGES.

On the upside, the boobs attract attention, n'est ce pas?

Kisses, girl. I've got 20 more of the original 30 I lost to go. We can do it! And I refuse to accept the 9 months down maxim. PSHAW. I'll do it in 8 and a half. :)

[Sara]

I totally get it-I'm 15 months post last pregnancy and I'm really exercising for the first time in my life (yay jogging stroller and baby who will only sit still when we're moving) but my body is not what it was, even though my weight is where it was. It just changes your body forever for most of it, and that's hard for me to accept some days. Blah.

But hey-this website is amazing: http://theshapeofamother.com/home.php

Women most pics of their postpartum bodies-some look depressingly fabulous but many look really um not fabulous and that was very reassuring for me. WHo knows what all our fabulous looking friends really look like under their clothes, anyway?