Correspondence

Dear Friends Who Came Over This Morning And Did All My Dishes And Made Me Breakfast And Watched The Baby So I Could Take A Shower,
You are the awesomest. Please come back tomorrow.
XOXO
Maggie

Dear Witch Hazel,
You and I were cool for a while, but now that everything I own absolutely reeks of you, the relationship is starting to go sour. I've asked the universe when I can stash the rest of you under my sink, but the universe and all of my friends said, "It hasn't even been two weeks!" and laughed and laughed.
Bite me,
Maggie

Dear Manufacturers of Preemie Clothes,
Seriously? Are you kidding me? My baby isn't even a preemie and your clothes are practically dripping off of him. I thought you people were supposed to make clothes that fit SMALL BABIES. Right now all my kid wears are Target onesies and a couple of sissy yellow pajamas  because all the other preemie clothes in the world are made for preemies who apparently weigh fourteen pounds.
We are totally not speaking,
Maggie

Dear Jackson,
Can you fatten up here already? Because you've got some SUPER cute clothes in your dresser and if you don't hurry up and grow, I will have an entire summer's worth of adorable little outfits you'll never be able to wear. So annoying. Part of the deal with having a new baby is getting to dress him up and I'm still waiting for you to deliver on that one, kid. Straighten up.
Love,
Your Mom

Dear My Mother-In-Law,
If I'd known that all I'd have to do to make sure my fridge was stocked with two dozen kinds of Chinese food on a biweekly basis, I would have done it way sooner. Next time please bring more fried rice.
Love,
Your thirty pounds overweight un-dainty daughter-in-law

Dear Phillip,
Babies do not sleep through the night. I thought this was a well-known fact, but it seems like you could stand to hear it again. Babies? Do not sleep. Also? They sometimes cry for no discernible reason. This does not mean you should sit up in bed during the 3 am feeding and rant about What Could Possibly Be Wrong With Our Kid Why Will He Not Shut Up Already. GOD.
Kisses!
Your devoted wife

Dear Phillip's Hippie Boss,
You totally rock with your supportive work-from-home-dad-ness and your "Maggie and the baby are your first priority!" message of complete awesomeness. Now we would like a big fat raise.
Thanks!
Maggie

Dear People Who Have Still Not Received A Thank You Note,
I suck. I know. I have a year, right? Is that just for weddings?
Sheepishly,
Maggie

Dear Red Wine,
If I were not feeding a six-pound infant every three hours, you and I would be kicking it in front of the Gilmore Girls series finale. But you'll have to wait until I get the hang of the this whole pump-and-dump thing. 'Kay?
Fondly,
Maggie

Dear CW Network Who Thinks It Can Cancel My Favorite Show,
SUCK IT.
-M

Dear Nielsen Ratings People,
Sorry about the whole agreeing to record our television watching thing. I've totally been watching TV, my baby even turns his head to the sound of Steve Carrell making an ass of himself! I just haven't been writing it down. See, I sort of had a baby on the day I was supposed to start. My bad!
Still friends?
Maggie

Dear My Brother,
Just because Phillip is six foot two does not mean my child is the Last Great Hope for an NBA star to emerge from our family. Since I am taller than everyone in Phillip's family and we are no clan of giants ourselves, I think this is a little too much pressure. Lay off. Also, you are holding him wrong. Gah.
Thanks for bringing pizza,
Maggie

Dear Friends Who Keep Bringing Us Dinner,
You are also awesome. I am already dreading the day when everyone decides we are self-sufficient and that we don't need anyone to come over and feed us anymore. Really. You guys are much better at this cooking thing than I am.
Smooch!
Maggie

Dear My Mom,
I know I said it was okay for you to stay home and finish out the school year so your fourth graders wouldn't be traumatized with a long term sub. I also know I said you should stay home and pack up and move out of the house, sign all the papers, exchange money under the table and pay off the appropriate officials to sell the house, but I am really REALLY looking forward to you moving home already because you are probably the only person who will ask me if the baby pooped that day and actually CARE.
Wah,
Your daughter

Here I am sitting next to Fat the Bunny in my sissy yellow pajamas. Yes, I know he is also known as Pat the Bunny, but someone at the baby shower accidentally called him Fat the Bunny and my mother thinks that is the most hilarious thing she has ever heard. I will be in therapy by the time I'm eight.

Comments

[Laura]

MOVE CLOSER PLEASE..I seriously need us to be face to face friends and not just online ones. I am laughing my booty off (well, not really..it is still there) I love reading your posts and you are so stinking funny...but MORE pictures please!!!!

[Kate]

I second the MORE pictures! He is such a cute little man. I love the red couch by the way.
I'm glad you have such great friends...so you can blog every once in a while! Skip the shower and leave us a note :)

[Emily]

Oh Lord, YES. The PREEMIE CLOTHES. May I tell you something? Asher was in them for (ahem) TWO. ENTIRE. MONTHS. I remember him wearing a size Newborn sleeper at Christmas and Christmas was approximately 70 days AFTER he was born.

I would have peed my pants if someone in my personal presence had called that bunny Fat. I may actually pee them now.

P.S. You're awesome for getting a post up, but even AWESOMER for making sure it was a hilarious one. Two points for Maggie. And that's not a basketball reference. At least I don't think it is.

[Maureen]

Also, it is appropriate to call him that as Fat the Bunny is much, much fatter than Jackson, at least at the present moment.

[Lindsay]

Eeeeeeeee, the cuteness. And the funny. I love the funny. Jackson has the coolest mom ever, and you can tell him I said so.

[Christina]

oh my gaw it is just not fair that you are so incredibly funny just two weeks after having a baby and on so very little sleep!!!! You rock. Take super good care of you and I hope the spoiling continues for a good long time. :-)

[E.]

Cute, cute Jackson! And funny, funny post! I'm so glad for you that you have so much support (and quite jealous about the fridge stocked with Chinese food)!

[jenney]

I am still waiting for my kid to fatten up. At 5 years old and just cracked 30 lbs (and still wears 18 mths shorts!) I am giving up hope. I have resigned to the fact that he will be one skinny ass chinese guy like his dad.

love the pics! congrats!

[SHannon]

He is absolutely precious!

Both of my kids were preemies (4 lbs. 4 oz. and 4 lbs. 11 oz.) and they grew out of the preemie clothes very quickly--it won't be long until he can show off his awesome wardrobe!

And thank you for being so funny and sharing it with us!

p.s. (whispering) I would have a (one)glass of wine and not pump and dump--and I think my kids weren't scarred by it.

[Jennifer]

Maybe Fat the Bunny has some hand-me-downs he could share with Wang er Jackson? That is one big bunny...and one cute baby. More pic, more pics!
Love,
Your adoring fans

[jackie]

For what it's worth, my little one (3 weeks early! 5 and a half pounds!) had trouble gaining weight for the first month. This coincided with a nipple infection, by the way. After that, she's skyrocketed into the 90th percentile. Jackson *will* be able to wear the summer clothes. Don't worry.

And as for friends who bring food? ROCK. Life without them is full of takeout. It's a fact of life. Don't worry.

[Angela]

Oh my God, how big is Fat the Bunny? Or is that just perspective because of how absolutely teeny Jackson is? Either way, they're both adorable in their own unique squeezably soft ways!

[karianne]

That look on Jackson's face with his hands all kind of folded is just precious. It looks like he is thinking, "Just wait, Woman. Just wait." I'm cracking up!

[Kate P]

That's a wonderful picture--so cute!!!

You probably could start a ritual of photographing Jackson & "Fat" together every 2 weeks or something--clearly, as Karianne says, your son has a look of determination on his face. . . he'll have Fat in a headlock soon!

[Anonymouse]

Dear Maggie,
I like your writing style.

You're rad,
Fat the Bunny
aka Anonymouse

[Jenny Ryan]

Dear CW Network Who Thinks It Can Cancel My Favorite Show,
SUCK IT.
-M

Amen, sister!!

[kris]

Oh my god. I'm totally adding you to my bloglines and will get on with reading some back posts.

[Vanessa]

Love the new look! And please more pics of Jackson and Fat when you get a chance.

[Emeth Hesed]

I love your blog!! Hey, don't sweat the red wine thing. The two ladies I know with the most beautiful children in the world drank a half a glass of wine a day throughout their pregnancies and during breastfeeding and their kids look like super-models and get straight A's in biochemistry. I am not kidding. Yes, I hate them sometimes because they are so perfect.

And the baby clothes ... my 5-month baby is just starting to grow out of the 0-3 month size. But 3-6 month is still too big.

I'm half Chinese and half miscellaneous white. I hope my little girl stays small and cute.

[terri c]

Oh, he is just so precious!!! What an expression. LOVE Fat the Bunny. You are awesome.

[Phillip]

Just testing if comments work...