Attempting to be zen

I think this small baby thing is what I get for not having any morning sickness. (Although, when you think about it, that makes no sense at all, the baby should be huge. I have gained the equivalent of an American second grader- you'd think the baby would be bigger than 5 pounds. That's right. FIVE POUNDS.)

The NST went fine, but then I saw my doctor and she seemed agitated, furrowed eyebrows and everything. And since she always seems to be the Queen of Zen at my appointments, it was sort of unnerving. The baby, she said over and over, looks fine. Right now. So she's got me scheduled for another NST on Thursday and an ultrasound on Friday. We briefly covered the multitude of things that could go wrong and when I asked her what my chances were of being induced she said, "Oh, pretty good." Then she added that she doesn't see me lasting the full three weeks till my due date and that is when I started to feel depressed.

Depressed is a strange condition for me. Frantic list making, yes. Nervous breakdown, yes. Neurotic weepy email sent to all of my friends, without a doubt. But sitting at home staring out the window for an hour or two? Feeling down and sad? SO NOT ME. Eventually I picked up the phone and called one of my friends to help me decide what level of freak out I should be having. But she wasn't home so I picked up my new issue of The New Republic and read ten different opinions about what to do with a nuclear Iran. Very informative.

It's just not going the way I thought it would, and for all my self-congratulatory "I'm flexible! Go me!" announcements, I'm finding I'm worried and disappointed. I wonder if the notoriously unreliable ultrasound stuff is wrong and they'll induce me for no reason. Then I think about how I've measured small the entire time and how my 7 months pregnant friend practically dwarfs me and maybe I should ask to be induced tomorrow. I worry about taking a five-pound baby home. I'm mad at whatever it is that fell down on the job and is keeping him from fattening up. I wonder what an induction will be like. I'm terrified I'll end up with a c section. And then I find my way back to "He's still kicking, I trust my doctor, I'll get to see my baby soon, la la la" and everything is fine again. I have, like, fourteen personalities this week.

Phillip was working late again and he called to find out if I wanted to drive to our friends' house up north to watch Heroes (Heroes! It is back! It is 100 times better than Lost!) and I said, yes, and could we please stop at the Evil Baby Warehouse on the way, as someone needed a little retail therapy. We bought a rocking chair for the baby's room (a cushy, upholstered, become-one-with-the-cushions kind of rocking chair) and spent half an hour looking for the perfect going home outfit. I found one in a preemie size and Phillip found one in a newborn size and hopefully one of them will fit.

Anyway. Whine whine whine. You know what IS nice? Everything is done. My last chunk of Fussy Church Committee responsibilities. The last minute stuff I was dreading at work. Finding my replacement and scheduling her first day (Thursday, so I have a guaranteed six hours with her before I go off to my next NST!) Our house is fairly clean, thanks to having dinner guests on Saturday. The important things are in the trunk of the car. The baby's future aunts are coming to my house this weekend to pretty up my yard, because I've recently attained un-bendable status and I've promised them ice cream. In the meantime I am crossing my fingers that all those Reese's Pieces I ate last night go straight to the baby's thighs and that he holds out another week until May, when he is SUPPOSED to get here. 

Comments

[Vanessa]

Maggie,
Not ever having been pregnant, I cannot assume to understand what you are feeling. However, a little story...
A beautiful couple was having their second baby and the baby was measuring all kinds of weird - each part of the body was measuring at different weeks!! A little weird,so they decided to induce a few weeks early. She ended up going into labor on her own and gave birth to a beautifully proportioned little girl. A very small littl girl - 6 lbs, and by the time they got her home, 5 lbs. She is tiny, but thriving like no other. And her brother, who is 18 mths was 7 lbs at birth. So your next baby could be "average" sized. But see, there really is no average size, there is only "God intended size". I'll be praying for you and your little one until he decides to make his entrance into the world.

Wow, that was long, sorry. If I could, I would fly up there, take you for drinks, frothy non-alcoholic drinks, and a spa day. But alas, my boss might not appreciate the time taken off, nor my husband the expense of taking a virtual stanger to the spa, but I would if I could.

[Katie Ann]

My mother has worked in L&D for years, guess what kind of stories I heard around the dinner table? But, L&D is pretty high-tech and they always, always lean to the safe side and have your's and your baby's best interests in mind. They will take good care of you :)

[Stefani]

I want to echo the "lean to the safe side" comment above. That was my experience every step of the way with my pregnancy and labour. It did make me feel anxious quite often (who I am kidding, almost the entire time), but the end result made it all worthwhile. Best wishes from a neighbour to the north

[Salome Ellen]

Maggie --
My six babies, all healthy, all now well grown, ranged at birth from 5# 12 oz to 9# 8oz. And the biggest baby is now the smallest adult!!

[Christina]

It's so funny, with my first I was *dying* for her to be born, the sooner the better. And I got extremely depressed because she went a full 2 days past her due date. I would have been really envying you with the expected early delivery. But all that to say I understand the depression - hormones are wicked things and it's not fun when your doctor and everyone acts like there might be some reason for concern. (But I say go with the mood swing that says "he's moving and all is good"!!) Prayers for peace for you, health for the baby, and delivery according to God's perfect schedule!

[Jenny Ryan]

In the meantime I am crossing my fingers that all those Reese's Pieces I ate last night go straight to the baby's thighs

What an excellent plan!

[jackie]

Oh, and the bonus? I got to go into labor before my actual c-section schedule date. I had a 5 lb 12 oz baby. It's not that bad really. It's actually easier on the girly bits :)

[Emily]

I am going to be really annoying and just tell you straight up: try as hard as you can to drop the expectations at this point. I know it is hard to think that your labor and delivery will go the way you absolutely didn't want it to, but it might happen that way anyway. And the last thing you want is to spend time being disappointed in HOW things went rather than absolutely enamored with your little one. I've seen lots of people whose labors and deliveries didn't go the way they expected them to remain upset about it for weeks, even months. The baby is what matters, as cliche and annoying as that sounds.

I had an unplanned induction about two weeks early, an emergency c-section, a five-day stay in the hospital with blood pressure so high they thought I would have a stroke just walking to the bathroom. I had to just let it all go. I know you will too, and that this post is a vent more than anything. I will be thinking of you though.

Now eat more junk food. Do it for me.

[Kate P]

Reese's pieces? Why, they're practically VITAMINS! Excellent choice.

I've been praying for the expecting moms I "know," so you're on the list. I too was a 5-pounder and a little on the early side. But look, I can type and spell really well, so that's good, right? :)

[karianne]

Ah, Babe.

This is about the time when everything goes nuts, even when the wee babe isn't so wee!

As far as the 14 personalities are concerned, I'm sure that they are all serving some sort of purpose.

You are transforming even more into Baby's Mama! Sounds like things are right on track.

Thinking of you!

[piesbonitos]

Just want to say that I totally agree with KariAnne -- at that point in most pregnancies you are already dealing with so many emotions. Add something to the mix, like your babe's size, or my pre-eclampsia and it adds even more emotions into the mix. You are facing the unknown, and if you are like me (which I think you might be,a fter mentioning the list thing), the you don't like the unknown - you want to know how it's going to turn our. When they decided to induce me and told me I needed to lay on my left side the entire time to avoid seizures, and if my BP went up one more tiny bit they would give me a c-section, I thought "Nooooo! This is not how it was supposed to go!!!". But I'll tell you what, I know it sounds cliche, but as soon as they put my babe in my arms it didn't matter how he got here, it just mattered that he was. The unknown, especially when it has to do with your child, is scary enough without adding complications to it, but ya know, when that wee man arrives that's what will matter to your Momma heart.

You're normal.

Thinking of you.

HUGS

[Maureen]

A day late here with my encouraging comment, but here I am nevertheless. Remember: Small babies make big adults. My brother was less than five pounds when he was born early, and he now tells people he is six feet (even though he is totally only 5'11"). He's strapping, even. Asher was teeny too, if I recall Emily's story correctly, and now he's all chubby and stuff.

I will be keeping you and Phillip and Baby Cheung in my prayers!