Um, no, that would be Good Friday

This is the time of year when I start to hate my job.

Okay, I don't hate my job. Really. I hated it last year, but this year is entirely different. The Perfect Day Job is rolling along and I actually enjoy doing most of what I do. But I'm still responsible for the event from hell and a short list of other outside-of-my-daily-duties projects that kick up in the late winter/early spring and I'm already tired of everything. The amount I care has dropped from somewhere in the "Excellent opportunities for me to meet the right people so I better wear heels and makeup" range to "Barely enough to not screw up."

In other words, I spend a fearful amount of time telling myself that I only have so many weeks left of this crap. Even with my fear and anxiety about taking care of a baby, it's all I want to do. I just don't care about anything else anymore, and sometimes I wonder if I ever cared to begin with.

I'm not exactly proud of this. I would have died before I wrote "stay at home mom" in my Where Do You See Yourself In Ten Years college essays. (And since technically I'm going to be a work at home mom, I'm not doing myself any favors by starting a countdown.) But I have to admit, I've never been very career-oriented. All I really want right now is my husband and a little family and our church and our friends and Veronica Mars and an idea for a novel I'll still like writing six months later. 

I was telling a friend how anxious I've been about what happens when you bring the baby home, and she did the whole "Bring it to God! Pray about it!" routine which is really annoying to those of us who know what it's like to sit inside a body experiencing hard core about-to-throw-up stage fright, with a brain that is all, "Uh, I had a really great day so what is up with the muscle tension and the racing heart, hmm? Did I miss the memo?"

But my friend had good intentions and of course I know she's right, even if prayer has never been, for me, a super all-conquering anxiety antidote. I wanted to try. I got through half the Gospel of Luke on Monday before the baby showed up. We prayed about being okay with whatever resulted from the acquisition of Phillip's company by scary corporate America. I bought cute stuff for the baby's room and tried to focus on the fun and exciting things instead of the hard and terrifying things. I thought about who I'll have to help and count on when the baby comes and in tallying all those people up, I was totally flattened by just how much God has given Phillip and me.

Out of all these things I feel God telling me that I will be more of who I am supposed to be when this baby is born. That a lot of the things that have triggered anxiety in the past won't matter anymore- they might even make me laugh. That a lot of the things that take up my time right now will fade away. That the things that replace the old stuff will jack up the amount I care to astronomical levels. Reading Luke reminded me that Jesus didn't start his ministry until he was thirty. I wonder if he felt like I do today- tired of the day job, waiting for the real stuff to start happening.

Oh, that's enough cringe-worthy introspection for today, isn't it? What I'm really worried about right now is how I'm starving, but how I'm also afraid to eat because the heartburn is trying to kill me. I'm tempted to delete this whole thing and just tell you how happy I am that Lorelai Gilmore totally redeemed herself last night and how Logan Echolls is vying for Worst Ex-Boyfriend Ever again, but whatever, it's Ash Wednesday and my coworkers are asking where the ash comes from, because isn't today the day Jesus was crucified? and I can't help wanting to tell you I'm feeling better because I prayed about it.

Comments

[Lindsay]

Yeah, the old Lorelai was back last night. It made me happy, especially since it's the only show I watch.

Glad you're feeling better! I'll continue to pray for you.

[Laura]

GRRRRR...I usually forget I have them on my forehead and wonder why people are staring at me (well, more than usual..ha ha)

[E.]

Grrrr. Our local WB affiliate had some kind of horrible audio problem that began during the last 15 minutes of Gilmore Girls and lasted all through Veronica Mars (at least as long as I kept checking). It sounded like a helicopter was landing inside the t.v. So I missed bunches. And, yes, you will be more of who you are supposed to be once the baby comes. It is amazing what mothering teaches us. Perspective is just one of those things.

[Christina/Mrs Broccoli Guy]

Every now and again "just" praying will give me peace... but usually it takes more, like reading the Bible, listening to a good sermon or doing a perspective check like you did - but in the end I think those are all part of praying (or answers to prayer) anyway. So I'm glad praying gave you peace.