Nerves=frazzled

Yesterday afternoon my friends rang my doorbell, dropped their four-month-old baby, a diaper bag and a pack 'n play by the front door and raced away for some well-deserved alone time with barely a, "She'll need to eat in half an hour!"

The baby and I looked at each other doubtfully, both of us wondering how her parents could possibly leave her in such a situation.

I hauled the baby and her gear upstairs, untangled her from her car seat and went to work on the entertainment. We played with her rattles and stuffed elephant. We bounced up and down. We pulled out all the books I've been saving for my baby. We admired ourselves in the bathroom mirror. We tickled and poked and when it was time to eat, I heated up her milk and she slurped it down, pausing every minute or so to get another glimpse at Jon Stewart on TV, because she's a smart baby with an excellent sense of humor.

I was in baby heaven for another hour or so, mentally clapping myself on the back for being a fabulous babysitter. So far I had not dropped the baby or forgotten to feed the baby or ran out of ways to entertain the baby. This was easy.

Then the baby started to get a little fussy because she was tired. It was time for her nap.

"No problem!" thought I, the Best Babysitter Ever. "I'll just set her down in her car seat while I set up the pack 'n play. What a snap!"

But Internet, let this be a warning to you all. Set up the pack 'n play before you take the baby out of her seat in the first place. Because by the time you are ready for the nap, you are ready for the nap.

BABY: YOU PUT ME DOWN? YOU PUT ME DOWWWWN! HOW DARE YOU PUT ME DOWN?!

MAGGIE: Holy crap holy crap holy crap.

BABY: I'M SHRIEKING MY GUTS OUT AND YOU JUST PUT ME DOWN?! Well watch THIS!

MAGGIE: running to catch the baby who has propelled herself out of her carseat in rage

BABY: Take THAT, you poor pathetic excuse for a babysitter!

MAGGIE: When the hell is Phillip getting home?

So we bounced and danced and marched up and down the stairs and repeatedly plugged up with the pacifier and maybe twenty minutes later the baby was passed out on my chest, red and sweaty from the miserable effort of teaching her babysitter a thing or two about naptime.

Phillip waltzed into the house all, "Honey, I'm home! Let's see the baby!" whereupon I threw my shoe at him and hissed my order to set up the pack 'n play, stat. It only took him a few minutes and I carefully placed the baby inside, willing her to stay asleep. Phillip wanted to stay and fuss with the blanket and the pacifier and how her hands were doing weird baby contortionist poses, but I kicked him out because the baby was sleeping and she was going to STAY THAT WAY, DAMMIT.

Internet, she stayed that way for thirty blessed minutes and then, suddenly, she was up. Wide awake. Ready to play.

"No!" I hissed and popped the pacifier back in her mouth. "I don't know much about babies, but I'm SURE you're supposed to sleep longer than THIRTY MINUTES."

"But look how cute and smiley I am!" the baby grinned. "Don't you want to play with me?"

"Her eyes are wide open!" Phillip pleaded. "I don't think she's tired anymore!"

"This cannot be good," I intoned as he lifted her out of the playpen and ran to get the camera.

Phillip plopped her on our bed and proceeded to make her smile a hundred different ways. I glared at the baby, because this was not going to last. And I glared at Phillip because he ALWAYS gets to do the fun parts. But whatever, she was smiley! We propped her up on my funky-shaped pregnancy pillow and cooed at her and rubbed her tummy and told her she was the cutest girl in the world.

And then? AND THEN? The bawling started. The heartwrenching soul-sucking face-clawing bawling.

PHILLIP: Awww. Poor thing! She's so mad! How cute!

MAGGIE: No! Not cute! Pick her up! Stand up! Bounce! BOUNCE!

BABY: WAH

PHILLIP: Poor little kid! Pat pat pat!

MAGGIE: No! Plug her up! You don't understand! The minute she calms down, plug her up!

PHILLIP: I think she's just hungry.

MAGGIE: She's not HUNGRY. She's TIRED!

BABY: WAAAAH! Cough! Cough! Let's make them think I'm so mad I'm choking myself!

MAGGIE: AUGH! For the love of God, man, BOUNCE!

PHILLIP: It's okay, it's okay.

MAGGIE: Do you want me to take her? I can take her. I got her sleeping before. And you're not doing it right anyway and it is driving me out of my MIND watching you doing it ALL WRONG.

PHILLIP: No, I think I'm ok.

BABY: SHRIEK! SCREECH! WAH!

MAGGIE: I can't watch this anymore.

PHILLIP: See, it's just a game. You just have to figure out what will work! See? La la la!

This is when I started to seriously rethink the whole staying-at-home-with-the-baby thing. Because seriously. Between me (neurotic, high-strung, totally stressed out by the crying) and Phillip (relaxed, entertained, thinks the crying is adorable), who would you want to take care of YOUR kid? Not the crazy lady!

So I went and sat very still on the couch while Phillip danced and sang and marched up and down the stairs. The baby was sooo tired. And redfaced and cranky and sweaty and whenever Phillip tried to sit down she let out an unholy holler. Eventually Phillip decided that the trick was to make her think she was bouncing, so he bounced one of her legs with his palm while she sat in his lap, contentedly sucking on the pacifier and watching Jon Stewart interview some boring author. And when her parents came by to pick her up, there she was, the picture of good baby cheer. And by that time she WAS hungry and she gobbled down another bottle while her poor Auntie Maggie was uncorking the wine.

So! Does this bode well? I think not. I would babysit again in a heartbeat (I love my little cranky angel princess!) but that's because I get to give her back. PRAY FOR ME.

Comments

[Laura]

You'll do GREAT! Of course, easy for me to say..my little one was 13 months old when I brought her home. Babies under 6 months old kinda scare me :0 I admit I am a little nervous b/c going to Vietnam this time we may come home with a 6 month old..I will be calling Phillip if we do LOL

[Todd]

HaHaHa! Sounds exactly like my baby. Really, it sounds EXACTLY like my baby. She will do a smiling face when she wakes up, but the smile really means "Look at me. See how cute I am. Don't you want to pick me up and let me ride on your arms?" At least next time you'll have a better idea, and this way you get to make mistakes with someone else's baby instead of your own.

[Christina/Mrs Broccoli Guy]

Okay that little script was just cracking me up! It's easier when it's your baby because you learn all the tricks and stuff. But then, there are times when you want to give him back - which is why God invented Daddies. :-) You go lock yourself in the bathroom and take a long hot soak and he does the wonderful dancing thing with the baby and everybody is happy!