Holy Third Trimester, Batman!

Okay so not quite the third trimester. I don't officially hit the start of month seven until tomorrow. Fine by me! Which isn't to say panic hasn't taken over the Cheung Household because it has, oh, it has. Things that seemed like no big deal even two or three weeks ago have suddenly taken on Terrifying Proportions and my defective prone-to-circular-thinking brain is not coping well. I am, for example, absolutely convinced I will give birth to a screaming shrieking diaper-exploding hellion whose life mission is to keep me from ever sleeping again. Add to that the expectation that I will keep this child alive (at a minimum) while also dealing with highly defective post-partum mental health and I am FREAKING MYSELF OUT. I am not kidding, Internet. Who wants to send me to the spa?

No one? Fine. Instead I'll desperately attempt to apply my Think Positive mantra. This doesn't mean I am transporting myself to La La Land where all the newborn babies are rosy and pudgy and cheery and sleep ten hours straight, where breastfeeding is not a painful infected horror and where the parents spend their days staring in delighted wonder at the perfect little being they've created. HA.

No, Thinking Positive means that even if I DO end up with a devil baby and anxiety on a level heretofore unknown in the natural world,

1. he will at least be my devil baby;
2. I will have no end of vicious competitive family members clambering over each other to hold him while I fall into a drug-induced sleep;
3. it will be May, when the world is lighter;
4. I recently met, and subsequently propositioned for Best Friendship, a La Leche League leader who is 100 times cooler than I imagined any La Leche League leader could be, who also volunteered to willingly answer any neurotic question I may have at 11pm on a school night;
5. my mommy is moving back to the United States of America, HALLELUJAH;
6. my mother-in-law is an honest-to-God NURSE;
7. I will not have to think about work, or be at work, or do work, or care about work for months on end;
8. I live two minutes from the lake where everybody takes their babies for walks in the summer;
9. between a devil baby and crippling anxiety, I may not feel like eating, therefore losing the baby weight quicker than expected;
10. being the child of Phillip and me, he will probably sit mesmerized in front of the television long enough for me to clean up projectile poop;
11. JUST KIDDING, why use the TV when we have a PlayStation?
12. my friends with babies have promised to keep their eyes on me for impending signs of Krazy, and also to give me all the stuff they don't need, even if one of these things is [shudder] a pump;
13. there will once again be wine and nothing is too awful to bear if one has a glass of Australian shiraz in her shaky jittery hand.

See? It's working already.

And it's not like I've had a rough time. Hardly. Six or seven random spewing episodes do not a horrible pregnancy make. Things I do not have include: stretch marks, sciatica, itchy skin, too much weight gain, too little weight gain, swollen anything or reasons to worry about the baby. Things I do have include: awesome nails (although I still bite them, bad!), hair that stays on my head instead of carpeting the bathroom floor, pants that still fit with the rubber band trick, stock in Unisom, a drawerful of adorable baby outfits, a husband who makes me dinner, a fortress of pillows in my bed and a plethora of honorary nieces and nephews to practice on. I realize I have completely jinxed my third trimester with my braggy nyah nyah description of easiest pregnancy ever, but dude, I am THINKING POSITIVE.

So. Someone needs to buy a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Brownie ice cream, sit down in front of last night's Lost and chill herself out, for the love of GOD.

Comments

[Laura (Annslee JiaNa's Mama)]

Glad you have passed another milestone! I hope your third trimester is a good one. Glad Hubby is a good cook and your mom is moving closer. Enjoy your ice cream!

[lee]

playstation? maybe you should get a wii?

[Kate P]

Fortress of pillows--you must be Superman's baby sister! :)

Hey, you've got nice friends, good hair, dear Phillip, a couple of eager mom-moms; I think you're in pretty good shape. But any reason to go to the spa is good enough for me. (I'll join you. I've endured some grueling commutes to/from work in icy snow and I have a bunch of schoolwork due.)

[E.]

If you don't have any devil babies in your family history, I'd say just relax. I think they're genetic. My husband was a devil baby. I, consequently, gave birth to three devil babies. In a row. Well, one was a devil baby, the other two were lesser . . . demons? I don't know the hierarchy of evil. On the upside, they have been really wonderful easy KIDS. You'll be fine. And congrats on no stretch marks!

[orangepaas]

you can do it! congrats on the 3rd trimester...and remember, projectile poop, distasteful though it is, can be removed with a little oxi-clean in the wash :)

[orangepaas]

you can do it! congrats on the 3rd trimester...and remember, projectile poop, distasteful though it is, can be removed with a little oxi-clean in the wash :)