Confessions of an uptight basketcase

I went to confession last night. Oh, excuse me. Penance service. Where everyone sits together examining their conscience and then stands in line to give a speed-confession to the priest of his or her choice. In Italy I used to go to the Italian priest because I had doubts as to whether he'd understand me. Last night I went to the priest I knew. I said, "Hi, Fr. So and So." And he said, "Hi, Maggie." And then my big list of sins to confess completely flew out of my head and I stood there blankly. I dredged up one or two things to say. I finally blurted the third thing which made me cry. In front of the priest I knew. In front of the church. With fourteen people waiting behind me. Must I always be so dramatic?

Lent? It's been all right. I wish I behaved myself better. I wish I could sit in church and actually listen to the sermons, or go to bible study and participate without my mind wandering off on innumerable tangents. It's expected. After all, I've been nominated for one of the councils. One of the church ladies called me the other night to see if I could help out with one of their events. It appears, finally, that we are Involved.

Why has it been so difficult? At the end of May Phillip and I are going to "help" with one of the pre-marriage classes. We were given a calendar that showed what the topic was going to be each week. We picked "separate pasts/family of origin" because we thought we had the most to say about that. But when I finally got my act together and let them know we were willing to talk, the organizers told us that they'd saved 'Spirituality' for us. I know why this is. We are young and childless and we go to church. She used the "role model" speech which I haven't heard since high school (and only then because the one and only time I ever skipped class, the guidance counselor caught me and read me the You Are Supposed To Be A Good Role Model! Act in the middle of the senior hallway. This, after skipping class with my mother's PERMISSION. ANYWAY.)

My. Someone's not quite over that, is she?

So I've been thinking about what we are going to say. Yeah, I don't know. On one hand: yes, we are young people who go to church and think church is important and participated in RCIA and bible studies and this new 'youth' thing. On the other hand: it is SO HARD. It's not that I don't feel 'qualified' to tell people about spirituality being important, but when it comes to the church community, which is something the organizer specifically asked us to talk about, I just don't know how gung ho I can be. It is something about which I have quite a lot of Angst, even with the steps we've made. It's taken us nearly six years to feel like we are part of the church community. Granted a lot of that is our own misanthropic half-hearted faults, but honestly, it wasn't for lack of trying.

On the third hand, I have Angst about everything and why would this be any different? Another gin & tonic please!

Speaking of "Angst" and "everything", I believe that accounts for half the reason I have lost five pounds in the last week. That and the determination to Phase One myself into a new dress for a work event at the end of the month. But I have lost my appetite more times in the last week than probably all the ones that came before. I'm a stressball, and it doesn't look like it's going to get better until, oh, July? Maybe in July my heart rate will go back to normal and I'll have time to plant those poor flowers that are wilting in their little plastic containers on my front porch.