I know I carry misanthropic tendencies, but you've gotta give me this one

I have to go to the dentist today. I think the last time I saw the dentist was when I got married, part of a whirlwind of medical appointments I made to please the Man Whose Shot Record Is Kept Meticulously Up To Date. I think he has been to see the dentist three times since the last time we went together, and he finally made the appointment for me. SUPER.

(He did not, however, make the appointment with the female dentist, the one who, as she's got her entire hand stuffed inside your mouth and mercilessly stabbing your gums with that pointy stick thing, whoops in delight to find extraneous particles, declaring that she has "found some snacks!" SNACKS. I cannot stand that dentist. I want to turn the water pik on her in rage. JUST SHUT UP AND CLEAN MY TEETH.)

*******many many hours later*******

Well. If I thought the dentist was annoying as all crap, that's because I hadn't met the hygienist from hell. You think your hygienist is bad? (And all of them are, except for my friend Sean's mom, who is lovely and beautiful and cleaned my teeth FOR FREE.) No. You have not met MY hygienist. Here are a few soundbites from the conversation (if you can call it conversation when someone's got a miniature hook in your mouth and all you can say is "ahhh uhhh").

"Cheung? Now, that's not an American last name. You're American!"

"Yeah, we've been dating a few months now, but the relationship is still super hot. .... Gawwwwwd.... really hot."

"Those Viet Nayum ladies sure do a real good job on nails, don't they?"

"Gosh, you guys are so mature for your age- I'm ten years older than you and I'm still goin' out every night!"

"Oh, I met your husband! He came in here a while back! Real quiet guy, but that's his culture, isn't it? Asians are real quiet."

"The guy I'm dating now, his dad is Caucasian but his mom is Hispanic. Catholic family. And you know how those Catholics are."

I AM NOT MAKING ANY OF THIS UP.

I swear. Within the first two minutes I was praying for death. I understand that I am crankier than most and cannot hold a small talk conversation to save my life. I can barely handle talking to the girl who cuts my hair. But this woman was oceans and oceans beyond irritation. This was Inappropriate to the nth degree. This was "Do I send a letter to the dentist counting up how many demographics my hygienist managed to offend in half an hour?" Not to mention the fact that they made me wait for forty minutes. God, I hate the dentist. I am never going back there.

(Does my future dentist friend still read this website? Hello? Boston? In school, do you learn how to hire the chattiest most mind-numbingly annoying people on the planet?)

I don't think my hygienist was racist or anything like that, more like dumb as rocks. Her statements weren't so much offensive as pitiably dull and ignorant. You find idiots everywhere. I can't wait for Phillip to get home so I can tell him all the things she said and we can laugh at her expense. No, what bugged me was how freely she shared this information. Some people are even too dumb to keep their stupidity to themselves. What makes them think a perfect stranger, especially one who comes to you for a professional service that NO ONE enjoys, wants to hear about the divorce, the custody arrangement and intimate details about the new boyfriend? Next time? When I am trapped in a dentist, chair wearing a bib and terrified of what you are doing with your French-manicured nails, IF YOU START SHARING ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL LIFE, I WILL ATTEMPT TO CLAW MY EYES OUT WITH THAT HOOK THINGY. I think I might have mentioned it above: just SHUT UP and CLEAN MY TEETH.

(Also, they want me to pay a bajillion dollars to get a crown. While I am sort of enticed by the idea of looking like a rapper, do you know what I could do with a bajillion dollars? A LOT. I would much rather do those things. But Phillip, ever rational, said, "Oh, that's not that much." And I said, "WHAT? Do you KNOW what we could do with a bajillion dollars?" And he said, "Eat food. I would rather eat food. And you know what you need to eat food? TEETH.")

Comments

[yooniek]

Thanks for the hilarious post! I've been slowly succumbing to the mind-numbing inanity of reading rules of procedures for the principle and subsidary bodies of the UN, AND your post was a wonderful reprieve. :) Ah...the ignorant and dumb. I feel a bit bad about laughing at your dental hygienist. But not too bad. Hope your day is getting better....

[young]

ah... you have to love people as misguided as they are. I must have missed this post but was glad to have found it :) I too must admit that I talk TO (not with) my patients while I clean their teeth....it'd be a long akward silence otherwise. If your looking for a different dentist let me know -- I know a couple of people in the area :)