Liveblogging (sort of) an awards show no one cares about

I am making chocolate chip cookies. At nine-thirty at night. You guys just don't understand the raw magnetic power of the cherry-red stand mixer.  You know those commercials for Axe, the smelly man perfume stuff, where the dude recycles his can and later on you see a woman rubbing up against a lamp post or a toaster? It's like that.

I usually make the recipe on the back of the chocolate chips bag, but this time I'm trying out the basic chocolate chip cookie recipe in Joy of Cooking. So far I like the way they look, kind of all wrinkly around the sides like one of those wrinkly little dogs (what are those called? ETA: My boss just told me my cookies resemble a shar pei. Mystery solved.) and it's about half the yield of the Nestle recipe which means I don't start to hate baking cookies before I'm halfway done. Have yet to taste one though.

(Good thing I haven't bought any smaller pants yet, huh?!)

I'm also watching the Critics' Choice Awards on TiVo. I will watch any televised event that begins with a feisty announcer guy rattling off a long laundry list of celebrities, but I refuse to watch them in real time. That way I don't have to sit through any potentially cringe-worthy acceptance speeches (Dakota Fanning) or any actor who wants to spout his politics (George Clooney, Dennis Miller) or anything boring (any categories not involving someone famous or movies I've never heard of.) It is, I believe, the only way to watch awards shows.

That Kung Fu Hustle won for the best foreign language film. Have they SEEN this movie?

(I haven't seen this movie. But it is about Kung Fu. And soccer. Need I say more?)

Movies I really want to see: Junebug. I actually tried to see this the other night but it has already left theaters in my area. Bummer! Brokeback Mountain. I wanna know what everyone's talking about. Crash. I've had lots of opportunities to see this one, but I have to find an evening when I don't mind actually thinking about my entertainment. This is more difficult than it sounds; remember, I have seen every episode of "The Newlyweds."

(Ever since I read Eats, Shoots and Leaves, I am paranoid about where I put my "full stop"- inside or outside the "inverted commas"????) (And Lynne Truss will probably hunt me down and shoot me for quadruple question marks.)

Moves I don't want to see: Syriana. The Squid and the Whale. Narnia. (Oops, I was already coerced into this one and except for cute little Georgie Henley, the whole thing is a big boring Blah. Oh, Georgie Henley and the White Witch's costumes, because dreadlocks and sculptured gowns are awesome.) Memoirs of a Geisha. My dad got me this book for Christmas and I got about a fourth into it before I decided that I did not have to feel sick to my stomach every evening before I went to bed. I can't handle stories about little girls who get shipped off to abusive strangers who treat them like servants. Sorry Dad!

Colin Hanks needs to get rid of those glasses, stat. He also needs to stop slurping up his spit, take his hands out of his pockets and practice with the Teleprompter BEFORE the show. Honestly. Didn't he grow up in this business? And he was so cute in Orange County.

(How should I be punctuating movie titles? I am too lazy to find out.)

Movies you couldn't pay me to see: Good Night, and Good Luck. Gaaaag. King Kong. I DON'T CARE IF HE HAS FEELINGS.

Andy Serkis arriving on stage to discuss King Kong? Made for television movie category? Ryan Seacrest? Excellent time to use the fast forward feature, don't you think? (Oh, that was not Ryan Seacrest at all, but that other kid on that one WB show, the one who isn't Rory Gilmore's married boyfriend. If you followed that, you are one of my people. Email me and we'll do lunch.)

I'm a little disappointed at the lack of revolting dresses. But can I please have Reese Witherspoon's hair? Pretty please?