Wherein I tell myself to break a leg

When I got home last night there was about an inch of snow in my postage-stamp sized yard. I will now be licking Steve Pool's shoes and writing a post dedicated to his frighteningly perfect hairline.

But it BETTER NOT snow tonight because if you are standing on a street corner singing made up words to "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" and "Barbara Ann" in front of many many strangers and pleading with them to fill your donation box with lots of dollars, you are NOT interested in getting snowed on. How am I supposed to keep track of my lines when it's snowing on my script? Get that Mother Nature?

I don't think I should be particularly worried about keeping track of my lines when we are pretty much laughing through them anyway. YOU sing about Santa Claus to the tune of "I Saw Her Standing There", complete with Paul McCartney mop top head shakes and try not to let out an unbecoming snort.

Also, the Director requested that I take over someone else's solo as he is having trouble remembering how it goes. And even though I don't know how it goes either, I asked the Director to call me and sing it to my machine. Which she did. But it's a rewritten line to "New York State of Mind" and I CAN'T GET IT. I don't have perfect pitch or anything like that, but I'm pretty good at remembering how to sing something. Except this. I cannot get this one right. I kind of sound like the unidentified group member who is assigned the second line of 'I Will Survive' and takes the group to a whole other key as she goes (in her kicky shoes). (Hi Becca!)

But my rooftop is not such a bad cliiiiiimb

But my rooftop is not SUCH a bad cliiiimb

But my rooftop isnotsuch a BAD cliiiiimb

GAH.

So I was telling this to Phillip last night. He listened to me sing it a few times and said, "Oh, you're doing a major third."

THAT'S when I should have immediately turned back to my internet shopping experience (more links! here and here and here!) and ended it right there. But no. I was all, "Ugh, you are a SNOB and a HALF." (Who said it?! Who said it?!)

So Phillip sang it a few times and each time it was WRONG. Which, of course, I couldn't help mentioning. But he only looked slightly perplexed and said, "But I think it's a minor third. That's what gives it the bluesy feel." And he sang it a few more times.

And I was thinking: "No it's NOT." But also, "If he is right I am so not going to admit it."

[Irritated Tangent About My Musically Gifted Husband: Phillip is the holder of two degrees, one of which is a degree in SAXAPHONE. Now who, I beg the Internet, gets a degree in a musical instrument? Who is not going to be a Concert Pianist or some such arty profession where you wear tuxedos to work? MY HUSBAND. And the music school required everyone to take piano classes and singing lessons, no matter what type of degree they were pursuing. So my husband now plays piano better than ME, who has taken piano lessons her ENTIRE LIFE, and spouts such obnoxiousness as, "Oh, you're singing a minor third!" I find it all extremely annoying, possibly because IT IS NOT FAIR.]

He said, "Sing it with me." And I swear, even with someone singing it right next to me, I could not get it right. It was a sad moment for me, someone with a terrible voice, but who at least can sing in tune. I saw my future, standing in the back at church, mumbling the songs to myself so as not to ruin the melodic experience of those around me.

So tonight, if you happen to venture downtown and come across a group of Sassy Santas (the group that's not singing Christmas songs and has absolutely no sense of shame), you may hear my offkey warbling: But my rooftop is nooot such a BAD cliiiiimb

Interestingly enough, I am not nervous at all. FANCY THAT. As someone who is nearly perpetually nervous for no good reason, this is quite shocking indeed. It helps that I am an Old Seasoned Pro, of course. I did start my stage and screen career at age five in The Best Christmas Pageant Ever (which, I must add, is a wonderful Christmas book that everyone should be required to read before they die.) I am also thinking I will be too cold to care what I sound like. But it's fun! Christmassy downtown-in-the-city fun!

Thanks to everyone who gave money to the old folks- you all are divine- and thanks to everyone who's coming tonight to put the old folks money in our box- you will be divine in a few hours.

***UPDATED, 4:10 P.M. PACIFIC TIME***

Okay. NOW I'm nervous.

Comments

[jackie]

Don't be nervous! Half the population can't even sing anyway :)

P.S. My husband has a bachelor's degree in jazz performance on string bass. Talk about obscure...but he does play music for half a living.

P.P.S. It looks like you checked out Lush. I hope you love it! I'm such an addict. They even have a forum!!! (hint, hint)