Maybe we'll have ham

One day I will write about something other than Thanksgiving. But not today.

Over the weekend, when I was not shopping or eating dim sum or asking a drunk man at Home Depot to saw my trellis in half (yes, this happened, no, it is not some kind of euphemism you sickos), I was watching every Good Eats Thanksgiving-related episode. And I think, my friends, I shall be cooking my turkey Alton Brown-style. God help me.

Firstly, this means that I will not be stuffing my turkey, for, as Alton Brown somberly intones, "Stuffing is evil." (And I am convinced. I never liked stuffing to begin with, but now I will never eat it unless it has not actually been stuffed. I have never heard the word "bacteria" so many times in one cooking show.) So this is why we're going to have "dressing" which is what my grandmother calls it anyway.

Then the internet informed me that it takes about 4 days to thaw a frozen turkey. This immediately sent me into a spiral of ohnoiamactuallyrequiredtocookaturkey and that, coupled with the little story my mother emailed to me this weekend, is enough to have me reaching for the Xanax.

And now I have to share the email my mother sent because it is awesome. So here we have, How Not To Plan Your Thanksgiving as told to us by Mighty Mom:

Dear Maggie,

     Brining a turkey?  What's that?  Like marinade?  Like pickles?

     This is my 2005 Turkey Story:

2 wks. ago at church they were taking volunteers to contribute to a regular American Thanksgiving for our "friends" in Budoia (Ed. the Mighty Parents live in Italy), who are always loaning out their church for our first communions and confirmations.  They wanted 8 turkeys and I signed up for one.  They were going to collect all the ingredients in the church hall, and do the cooking there, and then transfer it all to the community center in Budoia.  I wrote myself a little note to leave on the dining room table:  "call church to find out day to bring the turkey."  Last night at around 5PM, "Neighbor" (Ed. Names have been changed so as to lessen my mother's ire once she finds out I've told the whole internet) called and said she was going to the church to bring her 6 boxes of stuffing (Yes, they asked for the kind of stuffing that comes in boxes, which I've never tasted, but doesn't look like it is full of possibilities.), and did I want her to take the stuff I was donating. What?!?  It's THIS weekend??  Isn't that a little early for Thanksgiving?  I had not bought the turkey yet because we don't have room in the freezer.  I had planned to buy it 5 days early so it would have time to thaw in the refrigerator.  The Organizing-Lady said it would be OK if I cooked the turkey and brought it to the church on base by noon.   I immediately went to the commissary and bought a 20 lb. turkey - the size they wanted.  It seemed small to me because we usually try to get close to 30 lbs.  They say it's more economical the bigger you get it, because they bones are about the same, but the bigger ones have more meat.  Anyway, when I got home with this 20 lb. rock, "Neighbor" was here with a bag from the Organizer-Lady.  It had 1/2 apple, whole onion, 2 stalks celery, a huge piece of rosemary, and a little sage bush (Ed. Which is totally what Alton recommends. Almost.).  Also a Reynolds plastic bag to cook it in.  I read on the turkey that I could thaw it out the "fast" cold water method, which requires 30 min. per pound.  I quickly figured out in my head that that means 10 hrs.  I put it to soak at 5:30, and set the alarm for 3:30am.  Then I went to bed around 10, and laid awake, waiting for the 3:30 alarm to go off.  (I was helped by the nearly-constant barking of a dog in the yard behind us.)

At 3:30, I pulled all the innards out of the turkey, salted the inside (Grandma says this gets rid of the blood), rinsed and dried it, shoved the apple etc. inside and pulled the little skin flap over the legs.  (Trussing is not necessary anymore.  Butterballs come with their own little legs-under-the-skin-strip system.)  I dumped the whole thing in the plastic bag, put it in the oven and went back to bed.  It was done at 7AM, and it was perfect.  We let it sit while we went to church, and then came back, carved it, and took it to the church.  Your father feels cheated because he got the smell, but not the meal.  I actually think cooking a turkey is one of the easiest things to do. It's all the stuff that goes with it that's hard, and getting everything to be done at the same time.   Mine was only hard because I was rushed and had to do it in the middle of the night.

     So let me know how Yours goes.

Love,

Mom

So... Now I am paranoid. If I forgot about my turkey and then had to cook it in the middle of the night? I would probably spontaneously combust.

(No wait. I save spontaneous combusting for entering the Royal Doulton store at the outlet malls because no single person should be have to look at that amount of chintzy flowery gold-rimmed china over their entire lifetimes let alone one faulty step into the store.)

ANYWAY. Alton thawed his turkey in a big pan sitting in a styrofoam cooler with ice packs all around the sides. I don't have any of that. I also don't have a probe thermometer thingy and I'm not even going to be cooking it in an oven. And all this after an early Saturday morning panic attack about the possibility of four more guests. I know some of you are thinking Why is she hosting Thanksgiving if it's going to land her in an institution? But you people are probably just new readers who don't understand how much I enjoy my own mental imbalance. The archives can probably fix that for you. I'll be waiting for more Thanksgiving stories, that is, if my mom doesn't sue me for copyright infringement and TypePad kicks me out.

In the meantime, we are still getting figgy wit it. And to motivate all those considering making a donation: look what I found.

(How many times can I use "figgy" in ways only I find amusing? We shall see!)