Bread and jam for Maggie

Three things you should not do while attempting to succeed on a Low Carb Diet:

1. Bake oatmeal raisin cookies for the priest's 25th ordination anniversary reception.

2. Bake, from scratch, a chocolate cake and frost it with the most perfect chocolate frosting ever just because you have friends coming for dinner and you want to show off.

3. Bake these things on the same day.

Oh Internet. If you have not eaten bread or pasta or cookies or rice or any other of Nature's heavenly goodies in FIVE DAYS, do not bake these things. For you will only fail and fail miserably. That bridesmaid skirt you altered your own damn self? The one you "altered" "just a smidge" "too small"? KEEP THAT FIRST AND FOREMOST IN YOUR MIND!

And then, if you do bake these things, you will have to take the rest of the cake to work where it will sit on the food table mere steps from your desk and mock you all day while you nibble on your chunks of cucumber and fish around in your desk drawer for that last macadamia nut. Don't say I didn't warn you.

It has now been a little over a week since I've had Nature's perfect breakfast:  toast with butter and Grandma's jam. Phillip's new boss took him to breakfast yesterday and when he came home I asked him what he ordered. "Eggs," he said. As if this was all he ate. AS IF.

"What else?" I demanded.

"Sausage. Mmm, sausage."

"AND?"

"I might," he conceded, "have had a few potatoes."

"AND?" I needed to know. Did he have toast? Was there toast involved? Did precious white flour cross his lips?

"I might," he continued rather guiltily, "have also had one slice of toast."

The resulting shriek was heard in all four townhouse units.

"But there were FOUR slices on my plate. And I only ate ONE!"

"But you ate toast!" I whined. And stared miserably at the freezer where my one lone loaf of bread is living until after this stupid wedding. Yeah RIGHT like I'm going to keep up this low carb thing forEVER. My friend Fellow Bridesmaid does this all the time. As she has bridesmaided enough to be a Professional, she starts up the Low Carb Lifestyle a month or so before the big day, drops 15 pounds, looks gorgeous and svelte, and goes back to a happy toast-filled world without gaining back her weight. Well, maybe she gains back a little because by this time she'd be dieting down to 4 pounds, but YOU CANNOT TELL so it DOESN'T MATTER. (Fellow Bridesmaid is also, like, size -47 so yes, we can all just automatically hate her.) This low carb thing, however, does not appear to be working for me. Perhaps it's because I decided to screw the whole "no fruit for two weeks" instrument of torture. Because, hello, how can fruit be bad for you? But then I was at Larry's Market yesterday, the kind of store that has evil nutrition books in its produce department, and I saw that pears have, like, 30 grams of carbs. That one pear I had for breakfast the other day totally screwed me over. That's probably what the snots on the low carb websites are talking about when they tell you to Read The Book and Follow The Plan and Don't Post Stupid Questions On Their Message Boards.

So! No WONDER it's not working, eh? I cut out the fruit, then. Except for that one afternoon of glorious batter-licking, I am carb free. How consistent do you need to be? Does the batter-licking completely negate the many toast-less mornings? How many of those 1 carb Hershey bars can I eat before my stomach rejects a diet of sugar alcohols and other assorted chemicals?

In other news, the blinds came. They fit, they are a decent color and my husband looks kinda cute when he's using a drill. If I'd rounded DOWN, they would be TOO SMALL and attention, village that is looking everywhere for its idiot, I know where she can be found, for she is misinforming the blinds-buying public (and horrifying them with her exceptionally rotten manners) at the Northgate J. C. Penney's.

Comments

[lee]

did you hear about my diet? i only drink beer OR have dessert instead of having both, except for special occasions. i guess it's been working. i am pretty sure a low carb diet would outright kill me, assuming i didn't get to me first.