SAHM, Entrepreneur, Official-Macaron-Taster, and now Art Teacher
The finer details of hauling one's husband and three children across the seas

Conversation In Front Of My Mirror

"Hey, I look GREAT in this shirt! Sure, it's got a giant Captain America shield on the front, but it isn't see through, it's long enough, it doesn't completely highlight my jiggly muffin top - "

"Helps that you finally found some pants that fit - "

"Right, okay, but still, I can leave my house in something other than a dress and leggings. Yay me!"

"It doesn't really look that great from the back. Kinda shows off your mounds of back fat."

"Well, yeah..."

"Is that really your back, even? It's so... lumpy!"

"I HAVE gained a lot of weight in the last year or two. I'm just thankful it dispersed itself somewhat evenly."

"Yeah, I saw you in those pictures from Christmas. And you thought you looked bad in LAST year's Christmas pictures."

"I thought I looked... half decent in those pictures? My makeup was awesome."

"Makeup can't hide 40 extra pounds, dear."

"Oh shut up, I know, okay? I KNOW ABOUT THE EXTRA POUNDS."

"Then how come you're not doing anything about them? Don't you care? Aren't you ashamed?"

"It's just... it's not as easy to lose the weight as it was before."

"Are you blaming your crazy pills again?"

"......... maybe?"

"What about that ice cream you ate last week? What about the cake you ate last night when company was over? What about all the wine? What about that GYM YOU JOINED?"

"I couldn't go this week! Sick kids! I said I'd babysit Rosie! I couldn't go!"

"Right. Sure."

"I look good in this shirt. I wanted to feel good about looking good in something."

"If you feel good about looking like this, what's to stop you from feeling good about 10 pounds more? And 10 pounds after that? You can't ACCEPT yourself like this. You have to DO something about it."

"What if I told you right now that I am the happiest and most myself I have ever been in my life?"

"Even with all this weight you've gained?"

"Even with all this weight I've gained. Is not looking as good in clothes going to cancel out how well I'm doing? How not anxious I am right now? How happy I feel about my life? How much my husband doesn't care?"

"He's lying."

"Not being able to fit into my old jeans should not weigh more than all of the positive things in my life right now."

"WEIGH more, HA HA HA, good one."

"I'm not doing this. I'll go to the gym when I can. I LIKE going to the gym. And I'll try to eat better. And I'll just TRY."

"You've been trying for two years now. It's not happening. And you THINK everything is going well and moving forward in your life, but when other people see you, they see a Chubby Girl Who Can't Stop Eating Cookies and no one takes you seriously."

"..."

"People who knew you when you lost all that weight are secretly laughing at you now."

"..."

"And you think you can lead things. Be in charge of things. Be respected. Be loved. HEH."

"God doesn't care about my pant size."

"Everyone else does."

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"What the hell is wrong with YOU?"

 

Comments

Lisa

Mirror you is kind of mean. Focus on the happy! Love to you.

ccr in MA

That voice is SO HARD to silence, we all have it, but your side of the dialog is really convincing! I hope you can turn up the volume on that side, and turn it down on the mirror side. Perhaps if you imagine her in the mirror, mouthing messages you don't hear, and getting mad because you're not paying attention?

Erin

Oh man I can so relate but I think you're lovely and kind and funny I hope you believe all of us on this side of the mirror.

lindsay

Oh man, it's hard sometimes reading posts like this, only because it's stuff I've said to myself before, but hearing someone else say it to herself makes me wanna give you a hug and tell you it's all so not true. And I'm not a hugger.

craftyashley

I say the exact same things to myself. Except I'm not doing super great in other life aspects. So you're ahead of me there. Maggie, I'm tearing up because I wanted to yell at the mean voice talking to you that way. I should want to defend myself the same way. But it's so hard! All I can do is assure you that I, and I'm quite positive a boatload of others, do not see you as the chubby girl who eats too many cookies.

Jesabes

My particular struggle at the moment is not really caring that much about my weight myself but thinking it's allllll anyone else thinks of me. I'm not me, I'm The Fat Girl. If only those other people were less judgmental! Except...I have no reason to think they are, actually.

Dr. Maureen

That person in the mirror should shut up. I wish we weren't all so hard on ourselves.

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