Three months later...
In which I fix my daughter a gimlet

Keep on keeping on

Yesterday was rough. The day before that was rough. Today is rough. I THINK things are getting better? On the whole? But yesterday and today instead of getting on the stupid treadmill (and just WALKING FTLOG) I crawled into my bed and slept. I just wanted to escape. Naps don't make me FEEL better. I feel terrible, all groggy and out of sorts when I wake up. But I can disappear for that half hour or hour... 

We are trying to figure out our trip to Italy and perhaps other parts European this May and June. Phillip is working things out with his job and I won't really know what our options are until November, but every time I scout plane fare, each ticket is as much as our mortgage payment. All my Alaska miles (and the $750 in vouchers I received from that disaster trip to Colorado) are not going to help me on an international flight booked through Alaska mileage plan partners. So I'm feeling stupid about trying to go that route in the first place and just defeated in general. We will make it work (I am nothing if not a We Will Make It Work kinda person), but [shakes fist at Expedia.com].

I haven't seen my friends in forever. I miss Liz. I take kids to school. I go to Target. I have conversations with my sister about bakery work. I watch a lot of cable news. I fold laundry (sometimes). I clean up the kitchen (sometimes). I think about planning a date with Phillip or meeting friends for happy hour and then I worry that doing something out of the ordinary in the evening will mess with how I get ready to go to sleep, a very important part of Anxiety Management. And then I get mad about that. 

I've been on this weird tear to BUY stuff. I keep going to my usual clothing store websites, piling things in carts, being shocked by the total, not entering my credit card info, moseying over to another site. I've bought a few oversized sweaters at TJ Maxx. I bought Emma a whole bunch of cute stuff at Old Navy yesterday. Navy sweater with white stripes and red heart-shaped elbow patches SWOON. But the hole I am attempting to fill is not filled. Maybe if I splurge on a gorgeous pair of boots? But boots never fit around my wide [AVERAGE SIZED, FTLOG] calves and whenever I wear them I look in the mirror and suspect tall boots aren't the best look on my stubby legs anyway. So maybe not. 

The best part of my day is reading books to my kids before they go to bed. I KNOW. Phillip used to do all of that. I used to get away with not doing bedtime at ALL. Then we had Emma and I would usually put Emma to bed (easier/quicker) than putting big kids to bed. But this summer it started to be the time that I would sort of "make up for" being a distant crappy mom during the daytime [read: anxious] and for whatever reason it was calming and comforting to be with them. Just in general my kids have been a huge consolation to me during this latest episode. But I've read two Narnia books to them, that they really loved (me: ugh) and Jack and I tore through a Jack-appropriate book on the Revolutionary War the last two nights and I just feel like YEAH! I love reading, even though I haven't done much of it lately (everything I read stresses me out somehow and I don't need more of that) and my kids haven't been super excited about reading, but we finally found a book they WANTED to keep reading and it made me SO EXCITED. And Jack wanting to keep reading about Paul Revere and George Washington: YES. Weird, maybe, but these times at night and the looking for books they'd like has been a balm to my soul the last couple of months. 

Usually I'm pretty upbeat, Internet, but tonight I just want to cry it out. God I'm tired. 

Comments

Hillary

I don't have much to help other than good thoughts sent in your direction. But for what it's worth, I don't think money spent on travel is ever a bad investment. Let me be an enabler here.

Jen (SaitoAbroad)

Europe in late spring is lovely! I hope that you can make it work :)

I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time. But you're making progress, and I'm glad you're writing again. Keep it up!

Many wishes for peace and happiness are coming your way.

Katie

Is Jack old enough for Johnnie Tremaine? Maybe not yet, but I have affectionate memories of it as a book about the Revolutionary War for a grade school audience.

Also, sorry things are (still) so rough.

Meghan Wood

So, being a former gymnast and dancer I too can never find boots. And I wanted NICE LEATHER boots. So, go to nordstrom.com and look at the sam edelman penny 2 wide calf boots. They are amaze balls. Also I just got some naturalizer Jovana boots in banana and I just today got a pair of Enzo angiolini eero wide calf boots that might be too wide. So, one of those pairs will make your fall boots dreams come true. I promise. I hope you are able to get a handle on the anxiety soon my friend. I'm sort of right there with you. New boss is killing me and the panic attacks and headaches and pain and tummy trouble is going to get me fired I'm pretty sure. Hang in there. Enjoy sparkly fall things and new boots. Email me if you need to vent. I am always here and always understand. You are awesome Maggie, love Meghan.

K

I, too, don't want to shower but then purchase all the thing online and at storefronts. It's not entirely a sustainable lifestyle.

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