I think I'm due for a good long parenting rant, yes? I feel like I've had a long stretch of Fine - always the irritations and frustrations, but no full on Parental Meltdowns. Maybe it's the crazy pills. They have yet to kick in today though because RIGHT NOW I AM FURIOUSSSSSSSS!!!
Here are some Truths about living in this house with these three impossible children, ages 6, 5, and 2, ie: PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF THROWING SOMETHING IN THE GARBAGE.
- If someone's mother graciously allows them a packet of fruit snacks after school, even though the mother repeatedly warns the snack eater that if he/she leaves her garbage on the floor she will send them back to the Dark Ages ie: Before Touch Screens Existed, there is, without fail, a fruit snack wrapper on the floor at all times.
- Every pillow and blanket in the entire house comes out to play in the living room every afternoon, and the people who bring the pillows and blankets to the living room swear up and down they have no idea where said pillows and blankets originated.
- There are socks on the floor.
- As soon as the even-tempered sweet-natured mother gets the kitchen counters cleaned off, someone covers them up with dirty dishes. Usually ones with uneaten fruit, the better to attract fruit flies.
- No one knows where their shoes are.
- At least one of them won't eat whatever the poor hardworking mother made for dinner.
- "Can I watch a show" and "Can I have a snack" are said, on average, 572 times a day. By each child. Even the 2-year-old.
- No one knows how to pick up more than one thing at a time.
- On nights when there is no dessert, at least one child is positively baffled, offended, and ready to call CPS.
- The exhausted mother wonders why she vacuums at all, seeing as how the children leave a trail of crumbs, bits of paper, beads, BeyBlades, socks, milk drips, and cap-less markers wherever they go.
- No one knows how to flush.
- The award-winning multitasker mother can remind her older children a dozen times to put their homework folders in their backpacks and get their lunchboxes and wear rainboots and still one of them will strap herself (HERself, AHEM) into her car seat and wait for her ride to school, coat-less, bag-less, and wearing maryjanes with no socks. And still look at her speechless mother with innocent wonder, like, "Oh? You were talking to ME?"
- If one dumps out all the Jenga blocks, one is required to pick them up. Every time. Really. This rule even extends through the next day and the next. The mother realizes sometimes it's hard to keep everything straight, but she doesn't see why one can't just ASSUME the Jenga blocks need picking up. Every time.
- Just because she is 2 doesn't mean you can eat all her snacks when she's not looking.
- At least one houseplant is dying, at least one room looks like a nuclear nightmare, at least one meal isn't cleaned up, and at least one child is whining about how at least one other child is being mean. At all times. Every day.
Insert a very screechy pillow-thumping expletive-filled SCREAM right here. Don't worry, I've sent the kids downstairs so they can't hear.
Would you like to add your own House Truth? That might make you feel better.
Something else that makes me feel better - listing Things I Am Good At. Since today I am so very terrible at 1) cleaning up and 2) being nice to my children, I shall focus on:
- I make very pretty spreadsheets.
- I ran today. Your grandmother could have lapped me in a 5k, but I ran longer than I have in a good while and I'm proud of myself.
- Sucking up to my kids' teachers.
- Envisioning bakeries.
- Watching my DVRed news show almost every day.
- Saying yes when my husband wants to go out. Like tonight. Damn him.
- Laundry. (THAT'S RIGHT. I AM GOOD AT LAUNDRY. BITE ME.)
- Eating the CSA fruit before it rots.
- Applying white/aqua color schemes. (For example: the bakery.)
- Calling my mother.
- Using sarcasm when I'm screeching at my kids. I am THAT awesome.
OKAY THE WEEKEND CAN START ANY MOMENT