I blame my parents
Housey stuff

How I rationalized eating the cookie that I'm eating after writing this blog post

Every month I lose five-ish pounds and every month I put them back on (perhaps you are familiar with this cycle) and I am beginning to think, "You know? Maybe this is just how it's gonna BE." 

And really, is that so bad? Can I just stop comparing myself to the Me of 2009 because 2013 Me is a HECKUVA lot different.

  • I have three children on three different schedules. 
  • I am on a hefty dose of crazy pills. 
  • I moved and if I want to run in my new neighborhood I have to run HILLS.
  • I'm older. 
  • I'm much more fond of naps.
  • I am no longer super amazed by my ability to lose weight. It is no longer novel. It doesn't feel like an exciting challenge. It feels like TORTURE.
  • It's impossible for me to work out at the same time every day so it never feels routine.
  • Chocolate feels WAY better than skinny. 
  • I JUST DON'T CARE AS MUCH. OKAY? 

I tell myself, "Girl? You're still thirty pounds and two sizes smaller than you were when you got married." And that helps. Pre-kids me would have laughed herself silly at the idea that post-kids me could run three miles in a row, without stopping, and without a basketball coach chasing after her and screaming about conditioning. I mean, not all is lost. 

Anyway. I'm just trying not to berate myself too much. Could I have more will power? More motivation? Could I do better? YES. Would my life be more awesome if I had those things? I'm not so sure. Napping suddenly holds premium value. Rest is a new requirement in my life. I feel super lame saying that, but DUDES. I'm TIRED. 

I can already tell that things are going to get simpler. The kids have something like seven weeks left of school. After that? I decide the summer schedule. We can go to the Y every single stupid morning if I decree it so. And when school starts again I'm going to have five days a week where I drop the big kids at 8;45 and pick them up at 3. I could have a routine again. It is entirely possible. Even LIKELY.

But these last two years, with the kids going different places at different times, with the baby who only recently started reliably sleeping through the night, with the husband who was traveling, with the always always tired... maybe it really isn't so bad that I am where I am. Right? MAYBE it's amazing that I'm even this CLOSE! No? Too much? All right, whatever, I'm going to bed.

 

 

Comments

Miriel

Here is what I think: if you are happy and healthy at your current size, there is absolutely no reason to make yourself miserable losing weight just because you CAN. The idea that thinner is always better is a stupid lie our culture has made up because it sucks. I hate the idea of you berating yourself for being in a place you would've been SO proud of at some other point...and this is the stupid stupid thing about the thinness culture, it never lets us rest at Enough. You are Enough! Eat and exercise in a way that keeps you healthy and happy, and then tell the little voices to shut it.

That is what I think. Love you.

Steph

I agree with EVERYTHING that Miriel said (^)!

I'd also like to add that we need different types of grace for different seasons. In this season maybe grace is found in a nap? You are lovely just as you are!

Mikal

If you need a nap, take a nap! You will eventually find time to work out. If it makes you feel better I only have one kid and just now feel like I'm back into my gym/fitness routine and he just turned two. It's hard to find the time to get into it when you are so busy with kid stuff! Take it easy and it sounds like you miss running so you will really enjoy it when you start to find the time to get back into it.

Kelley

Do whatever you need at that time! Some days I nap when all 3 kids are napping (who am I kidding? Most days! My 3 are up at 6:30am!) and I have been squeezing in workouts every other night, just a quick 30 minute one. But yes, I am tired too and rest is the most important lately for a happy mommy :)

I wanted to ask too....you are done with 3 right? I am so torn about having a fourth if we are so lucky to have that happen. Right now seems chaotic with 3 so close in age, but I don't want to wait another 3-5 years to try (I had 2 losses after my second) and my first 3 are all close in age. Sorry to get off topic ;)

Life of a Doctor's Wife

Oh, what Miriel said is PERFECT.

I think I got to that point (before being pregnant - who knows what will happen once there's baby weight to lose) a while back: This is the size my body is, with minimal exercise and reasonable, enjoyable eating and without thinking about every bite of ice cream that went into my mouth. AND without hating myself when I looked in the mirror. That's a pretty good place to be, even if I COULD lose tennish pounds or so.

lindsay

I just want to add some cheering on to this post. We are always changing, life phases, blah blah blah. Additionally, you are wonderful and looking after yourself healthwise just fine it sounds like, and you are loved. All that equals: you get to check the stupid box for 'skinny enough,' and go have a cookie or whatever it is you want to do.

What Miriel said!

Jess

I too have beaten myself up because I can't find the time or the routine enough to exercise with any regularity. And it is only now that my you best is 2.5 and my older two are 9 and 7 and go to school and have some independence that I see little bits of time opening up here and here. And so I wish I was kinder to my former self because it is so hard. And only now that it's a teeny bit easier do I realize that it was so hard and that I should have just said, hey, life is too hard right now and give myself a break.

Redbecca

I'm also with Miriel on this one. Don't beat yourself up about something that will just stress you out more (stress = body retain weight for many of us). As you said, you are 30lbs lighter than you were pre-kids. That is AWESOME and something to celebrate! Say that to yourself every time the guilt creeps in!
As long as you fit the clothes you have and don't have to get new ones every couple of months, who cares? You'll get back to the exercise when your schedule allows and when you can't stand NOT doing it anymore.

The comments to this entry are closed.