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    January 28, 2013

    Thoughts during an attempted afternoon nap

    Today is a day when I don't feel capable of making dinner for my family, let alone figuring out how to open a kid-friendly bakery. Today is dark and gloomy and it's been raining all day. I've had to do drop offs and pick ups in the wet, standing alongside the van buckling and unbuckling, throwing cookies at whiny children in the back seats, turning off the radio because my brain is already too full, overloaded. 

    The sort of day where 2:45 rolls around and I think to myself, "I don't want to go pick up Jack from school." I don't. I don't want to get coats and shoes, get the girls in the car, drive two minutes, get the girls out of the car, haul us into the school, wait around until the bell rings, bark at them on the way back to the car because OMG look where you're going and you don't need to stomp in every puddle and your side of the car is THAT side and how long can it possibly take you to climb into your car seat? 

    My hands smell like diapers. 

    I have to think of what to make for dinner, even though I made dinner LAST night and the night before that. And even when I don't make dinner I have to think of what to scrounge out of the freezer or the cupboard or what to order. It's gray and dreary and there's a baby howling in her crib and laughing-that-sounds-dangerously-close-to-crying downstairs and why can't I make all of this go away so I can lay down on the couch and close my eyes?

    It's January. It's Monday. It's all sorts of terrible things. 

    I feel angry at the baby. Part of why I'm not going in there to pick her up is because I'm afraid I won't be very nice to her. Just sleep. For the love of God, just sleep

    I hate when I am PLANNING to get my kids a snack, even though they've been mean to each other and snotbrats to me, but they rush me all, "Mommy can we have a SNACK?!" and then I don't want to give them anything. Well maybe some nice heads of lettuce. A can of beans. I want them to LET me do something for them rather than this constant pelting of demands. Like they think I'm going to forget to feed them, that I just WON'T pick them up from school. 

    I hate it when I've just snapped at them about something and three seconds later: "Can we have a snack?"

    It is SO wearing, SO tired-making to be talked at and cried at and pelted with "But Mommy, I'm still hungry" because seriously, if you're so hungry you should have just EATEN YOUR DINNER so stop asking me for MORE THINGS THAT ARE NOT DINNER. 

    I want to go on vacation, which is terrible because I just WENT on vacation. I want to see my friends. I want to parent WITH my friends. Who thought up this horrible stay at home mother situation anyway. Who thought this was a good idea? There's another mother on my street, but she works and hasn't initiated with me at all, even though I've initiated with her AND she seems to appreciate it; besides the one conversation we've had was about researching private schools and did I know where the good ones are and I'm probably not the sort of parent friend she wants anyway WHY I AM NOT LIVING IN THE BLOGGER COMMUNE? 

    Phillip says, "It's nice when I get home and you want to, you know, hang out with us! Instead of focusing on your computer and getting away!" And God, I wish I could be that way every night, I really really do. Those are fun nights. I can wrestle with the kids and sing songs and cheerfully help with homework and clean up the kitchen, but they aren't all like that. Some nights I just don't want to hear anyone else talking. I don't want to hear anything

    The baby is still sobbing. I should probably get her up. 

     

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    We all have these nights. We're human. Don't beat yourself up. Tomorrow will be better. :) http://kelsisandefur.blogspot.com/2013/01/thinking-of-future.html

    Blogger Commune? Sign. Me. Up.

    You've had a very tough day. I've had plenty of those exact kind of days myself. Are all kids as averse to eating dinner as ours? I've never turned down free food in my life, so I don't know where this is coming from. It is tough being a SAHM sometimes. But then yesterday on the news was a story of a nanny who shook an infant to death, and it reminded me to thank Jesus that I am able to stay home and care for my children myself. Even though they drive me crazy sometimes, I love them as no one else ever will.

    Someday your children will appreciate all they put you through. Probably when they have their own children!

    I've decided to not beat myself up too much about Mondays, because I SUCK at being a mom pretty much every week. It's a combo of rain and being stuck home alone and having the reality of school assignments that I need to do and all the other stuff that I ignore on Sundays.

    Hugs. We've all been there. Hope tomorrow will be better.

    I'm sorry you had such a rough day :( I have had many of the same...my older 2 that are 15 months apart are either playing nicely for 5 min and then fighting or just chasing each other around! I try to keep us somewhat busy, but they have SO much energy lately I have just been struggling especially with this weather. Too cold and snowy to take the baby out with them to play and most days too cold/windy for them! So they get crazy after dinner having been cooped up with no fresh air even if we got out earlier that morning for a bit.

    And what IS up with the not eating dinner and demanding snacks?

    I have 2-3 SAHM's on my street, but either their kids are older and in school all day or they work part time and kids attend preschool the other days.

    Have you thought anymore about a sitter/ Mother's helper? I have my neighbor's daughter come 1-2 times a week after school (she is 16 and CPR certified etc) while I am there. I keep my 9 month old with me usually while I cook, do laundry, etc or just play one on one with the baby a little and she plays with the older 2 and helps with dinner/ baths if my husband isn't home from work yet (he tries to get home by 6:30 most days.) She comes for about 2.5 hrs a day so a total of 5 hrs a week. Saves my sanity and is totally worth the $35-40 a week!

    Oh, Maggie. I've been there. Hey, have you considered trying to arrange a carpool with another school parent? Maybe you could find someone who would trade off picking the kids up from school. Someone picks up Jack on Tuesdays for me because it was so impossible to manage school pick up after Nora's gymnastics, and it has been a life changer. (I tried to arrange a trade off, but it's Jack's friend's grandmother, and she doesn't want me to pick up Joshua. Oh well.) I know this sort of thing can be difficult to arrange because some parents are all, "What? Someone ELSE pick up my child? NEVER!" but my mom used to have a car pool with people in my grade school. So it's just a thought.

    I hope things picked up. I happen to know you just had a blathering conference call, and I'm sure that helped. :)

    If we lived closer we could parent together with chocolate.

    I've been there. Hugs!

    Maggie, I've had plenty of days like this and working doesn't make it any better. Schlepping my kid to school, dealing with work, rushing out to schlep her home, and then my husband's all "Hi!" and wants us all to hang out and play board games when all I want is to go lay in my bed reading Twitter or watch TV by myself. I think I'm just a person who needs a certain amount of alone time and these days, I don't get it. And don't get me started on cooking. I'm just terrible at it and rarely do it. My kid is growing up on Lunchables, bananas, grapes, and applesauce. I console myself with the thought that at least she is getting government-mandated healthy meals twice a day at school!

    As for the working parent you tried to initiate with, my guess is she'd LOVE to be friends with you. I would love to be friends with some of the moms in our neighborhood who don't work. Unfortunately, I don't seem to see them much. By the time I get home with Sophie at 6, they've all brought their kids inside from playing for dinner and so Sophie doesn't really get to know their kids and I don't get to know their parents. Our schedules are just too different sadly.

    And Mondays certifiably suck. So hopefully, Tuesday will be better. I think of Dory's saying from "Finding Nemo"-"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!"

    I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. Wish I were closer so we could commiserate in person. Sending you some virtual chocolate and wine :)

    Oh, yes. Me too. And the weather makes it worse- it has been so very gray here for so long. And I hate dinner. Why must I always be in charge of all the food? Every morsel must go through me first. ARGH.

    All the hugs for you, unless you are tired of people touching you. Then, a nice quiet room while I take care of your kids for an hour or two. (Seriously, commune, HAPPEN.)

    I've so been there! Blogger commune needs to happen for real.

    Maggie, you have just described my feelings EXACTLY...at least the way I feel every Tuesday, and sometimes Friday. Those are my rough days (more kids in the house than normal). And sometimes days in between. The demands! OMG. Anyway, thanks for commiserating. It helps.

    Hang in there Maggie. It won't be January for much longer. The sun is coming, I promise. With love from Meghan

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