Today is a day when I don't feel capable of making dinner for my family, let alone figuring out how to open a kid-friendly bakery. Today is dark and gloomy and it's been raining all day. I've had to do drop offs and pick ups in the wet, standing alongside the van buckling and unbuckling, throwing cookies at whiny children in the back seats, turning off the radio because my brain is already too full, overloaded.
The sort of day where 2:45 rolls around and I think to myself, "I don't want to go pick up Jack from school." I don't. I don't want to get coats and shoes, get the girls in the car, drive two minutes, get the girls out of the car, haul us into the school, wait around until the bell rings, bark at them on the way back to the car because OMG look where you're going and you don't need to stomp in every puddle and your side of the car is THAT side and how long can it possibly take you to climb into your car seat?
My hands smell like diapers.
I have to think of what to make for dinner, even though I made dinner LAST night and the night before that. And even when I don't make dinner I have to think of what to scrounge out of the freezer or the cupboard or what to order. It's gray and dreary and there's a baby howling in her crib and laughing-that-sounds-dangerously-close-to-crying downstairs and why can't I make all of this go away so I can lay down on the couch and close my eyes?
It's January. It's Monday. It's all sorts of terrible things.
I feel angry at the baby. Part of why I'm not going in there to pick her up is because I'm afraid I won't be very nice to her. Just sleep. For the love of God, just sleep.
I hate when I am PLANNING to get my kids a snack, even though they've been mean to each other and snotbrats to me, but they rush me all, "Mommy can we have a SNACK?!" and then I don't want to give them anything. Well maybe some nice heads of lettuce. A can of beans. I want them to LET me do something for them rather than this constant pelting of demands. Like they think I'm going to forget to feed them, that I just WON'T pick them up from school.
I hate it when I've just snapped at them about something and three seconds later: "Can we have a snack?"
It is SO wearing, SO tired-making to be talked at and cried at and pelted with "But Mommy, I'm still hungry" because seriously, if you're so hungry you should have just EATEN YOUR DINNER so stop asking me for MORE THINGS THAT ARE NOT DINNER.
I want to go on vacation, which is terrible because I just WENT on vacation. I want to see my friends. I want to parent WITH my friends. Who thought up this horrible stay at home mother situation anyway. Who thought this was a good idea? There's another mother on my street, but she works and hasn't initiated with me at all, even though I've initiated with her AND she seems to appreciate it; besides the one conversation we've had was about researching private schools and did I know where the good ones are and I'm probably not the sort of parent friend she wants anyway WHY I AM NOT LIVING IN THE BLOGGER COMMUNE?
Phillip says, "It's nice when I get home and you want to, you know, hang out with us! Instead of focusing on your computer and getting away!" And God, I wish I could be that way every night, I really really do. Those are fun nights. I can wrestle with the kids and sing songs and cheerfully help with homework and clean up the kitchen, but they aren't all like that. Some nights I just don't want to hear anyone else talking. I don't want to hear anything.
The baby is still sobbing. I should probably get her up.