After my first week, in which I ate healthier and exercised more consistently than I have in months, I lost half a pound.
I signed up for Jennie and Regan's Biggest Blogging Loser round because I gained more weight over the holidays than I've gained since I first started lost a bunch of weight a few years ago. This is entirely due to 1) heaps and heaps of delicious cookies and 2) not particularly caring. I'm sort of amazed at the not caring, frankly. I cared too much for a very long time.
So in that respect, I suppose, I'm a little bit pleased with myself. One thing I learned when I lost weight: as much as I liked wearing my size 8 pants (that's skinny for me!) I disliked having Weight be the thing that my world revolved around. I think, in a way, I was sort of good at losing weight? In the way that I decide to be good at things, which really only means making that thing my sole focus until it DOES work, even at the expense of other things.
Except, there are plenty of other things I'd rather focus on. I did not especially LIKE myself with Losing Weight Tunnel Vision. So.
I would like to lose 10 pounds. I THINK this would get me back in the pants I've stuffed in the back of my closet. I was pretty close to that goal this summer, but then The Cookies happened. So I'd say about two thirds of those ten pounds are Cookie Weight and the last third is Emma Weight.
Losing ten pounds would not make me Skinny. I would not look as toned as I did when I was Shredding all the time. Even if I was, I suspect that third pregnancy shifted things so that I'd have to lose another ten pounds on top of the first set to really look the way I did in my most-focused Post-Molly weight loss days.
The good thing is that I'm okay with this. I feel like I had my summer of feeling skinny and for someone who has never been skinny in her life, just FEELING skinny was kind of new and fun. But I know I don't have (and don't want to try to have) what it takes to get back there. I am older, I have more going on, I have a completely different schedule, and to make Getting Back To That Point the focus of my world sounds unbearable. Not worth it. I have a coffee shop to obsess over now!
But I DO want to lose SOME weight and I am UTTERLY UNMOTIVATED. My subconscious refusal to choose pants with waistbands in the morning - not enough motivation. Pictures of myself ten pounds ago - not enough motivation. Hanging out with my forever-smaller-than-me sisters and friends - not enough motivation. Absolutely nothing sounds better than coming back to the house after the school drop offs, putting Emma to bed (if she'll agree) and flopping onto the couch with my Kindle and a handful of chocolate chips. I don't WANT to hand over my chocolate chips. You can have French toast and ice cream and thick slices of fresh bread and scones and cinnamon rolls and cake and my other favorite things, but I'm not giving you my bag of medicinal and mood-altering chocolate chips.
And honestly, do I want to live in a world with no cake? Absolutely not. So that's hard too, to go from a place of shoving every cookie in sight into my gaping maw to, you know, Not. Especially when I look at myself in a mirror and go, "Yeah, you've gained weight, but it's not HORRRRRRRIBLE..."
I'm trying to think up some motivation. Winning the BBL money is not it, since even if I tried my hardest I doubt I'd win anyway. Usually what works is some sort of Upcoming Event for which I would prefer to look Fabulous, but I don't have any of those right now. Summertime is too far away to feel truly motivational. I'm thinking maybe a prize? New clothes? A new purse? Some of the not-cheap jewelry I covet on Etsy? I don't know. A PLANE TICKET?!
Anyway. I have to go make a kindergarten lunch and attempt to not lick the peanut butter knife. (HA. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.)