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    « I, on the other hand, remember it well | Main | Tuesday Reads & Recommends »

    December 09, 2012

    It'll be ten years in June

    Well HALLO, Internet! It's nice to see you! Tonight, apropos of absolutely nothing, I have decided to tell you about my first date. 

    OH WAIT! I HAVE NEVER BEEN ON A FIRST DATE! WITH ANYONE! So actually I have decided to tell you all about how bitter I am that I have never been on a first date. Ever. Possibly I need to write a song about it, in the spirit of an indignant red lipsticked Taylor Swift. 

    I know you are wondering how one eventually ends up married if one has never been on a first date. I WILL TELL YOU. 

    But first: the history of the nonexistent date. (ANY DATE! FOR SHAME!) 

    Shockingly I somehow acquired a boyfriend when I was fourteen. I knew he was my first real boyfriend because we didn't break up after three days. He was sixteen, which I now think is TERRIBLE, and he had a CAR, which is even WORSE. I'm positive I have committed the entire relationship to a journal somewhere, but I have yet to open those boxes labeled MAGGIE'S HIGH SCHOOL STUFF that my parents evicted from their garage years ago, so I'm a bit fuzzy on the details. Fourteen-year-old me is horrified by this, by the way, but fourteen-year-old me thought she would marry THAT guy so who cares what she thinks.

    Anyway, did not go on any first dates with that guy. I don't even remember how we started hanging out all the time. I was basically not allowed to do anything or go anywhere or have any fun, especially with him, so it's possible this entire "relationship" took place in the school hallways. Except for that one time I DID ride in his car and got CAUGHT ha ha ha - I 1) still feel guilty about this and 2) am still irritated with the friend of my parents who told on me. NEARLY TWENTY YEARS LATER. 

    (OMG. TWENTY YEARS?)

    So. No first date there. 

    And thennnnn, there is no date to tell you about, on account of there being no boys wanting to TAKE me on dates. WOUNDED SIGH.

    Oh, there were boys I I liked in high school, but they did not like me. When I think about them now my only feeling is relief. Spare me the teenage boys! I overheard a few of them at the mall today and thought to myself, "Why did you ever think THAT specimen of human being was AT ALL attractive?" 

    There were the two or three guys who liked me, but who I thought were weird/annoying/dumb/unattractive/etc. and therefore ignored (nicely). I'm guessing those are the guys who now entertain Victoria's Secret models on their private islands. There was the guy who told me, at our graduation party, that he had really liked me at one point but was totally intimidated by me. At the time I was confused and offended, but now I just think I must have been THAT smart and beautiful. I mean, OBVS, right?!

    Oh, and the guy I mooned over my entire senior year, who was dating someone else. TRAGEDY! He lived in my town and secretly liked me back and once we met up in our tiny town square (remember I lived in podunk Northern Italy) to drink beer and eat pizza at the one pizzeria. Well, he ordered beer. I thought beer was gross and also I was determined to be a Very Good Girl after that whole riding-in-cars-with-boys fiasco a few years before. 

    NOT A DATE.

    Then I went to COLLEGE which was, like, a million frillion percent better than high school, but there was still nobody who wanted to take me on a date. Woe. Sometimes when I look at pictures of myself in college I think, "Well, no WONDER." Even so, I wasn't particularly interested in anyone. There were heaps of Possibilities, you know, but none of them struck me as Worthwhile. 

    Until, of course, I met Phillip Cheung. SECOND WOUNDED SIGH. I liked him from almost the first second, but it was two years of getting to know each other, hanging out in big groups, killing time in each other's dorm rooms, being Just Friends, wondering if he would EVER EVER like me back. And you guys, I know there are SEVERAL journals worth of Phillip Angst, but we're just going to keep those boxed up until I die and then my grandchildren can find them and make fun of me. 

    By the time Phillip finally admitted to himself that I was the most perfect girl in the entire world and the only one for him, there was no need for a first date. When we went out it was just doing the things we'd always done before, only this time he paid. 

    Phillip's take on this, since he just asked me what I was writing about and I told him the truth, is: "Well, I was so great there wasn't really any need for a first date."

    Also, in case you haven't figured this out, Phillip and I aren't really the, ah, frivolous sorts. As in, I AM HIS FIRST REAL GIRLFRIEND. Someone had an even worse dating track record than me! I didn't know it at the time, but we're definitely both the sort of person who doesn't want to even bother unless it's Serious. That might be why it took him so long - deciding to date me was tantamount to assuming we'd get married. 

    And yeah, we got married and had three perfect children and he has a Career and I'm a SAHM and everything worked out just fine, but man, sometimes I'm watching a TV date and I'm BITTER! I wanted a TV-style date! I wanted someone to ask ME out and be Pleasantly Surprised and Flattered! I wanted an awkward kiss goodnight on a New York City stoop! WAH!

    Instead I Pined for two years until I wore him down. And he didn't even PROPOSE, people, we were having a big FIGHT about when to get married and instead of a proposal we were both like, "FINE! LET'S DO IT NOW! HAPPY?!"

    (Obvs that is another blog post. That I'm sure I've written two or three times. Sigh.)

    I LOVE YOU, PHILLIP! 

    Anyway. This post is brought to you by the fact that it's Sunday night, Phillip is going out for beers with some friends, which he can do because he's not nursing an ulcer about going to work on Monday, and I am quite content to stay home with a bowl of popcorn and my TiFaux, and we are very terribly happy. 

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    Comments

    I, too, had crushes tell me a million years after the fact that I intimidated them, though they thought I was very pretty and smart. Teenage boys need to be braver.

    Ugh as a person who dated a lot... It's for the birds.

    I have good friends who also got engaged that way, and now they are happily married and have four (!) children under 2 (!!) because three of those children are triplets (!!!) And they are very happy and it all works out for the best.

    I never went on a grown up date either, since John and I also transitioned straight from college friends to Serious Item. Sometimes I wonder if I missed out, but mostly not.

    Dating kind of sucks. It's like a job interview, but you know that if it goes well, you'll end up spending your life with the person and it's just WEIRD.

    On this last move I went through all of my old journals and after about 2 pages I immediately ripped up and recycled them all.

    You two are such a great couple! Glad it worked out, even without dates :)

    Um, you guys are the cutest. Perhaps my lame story will make you feel better?

    My first date with Justin came about because we were talking smack about who could beat who in pool so we went to a bar. I still think I won and he still thinks he won - we were fairly evenly matched. We went right from that to a boyfriend/girlfriend sitch, which meant sitting around his apartment, eating fried chicken and playing super mario brothers in his original nintendo. It was all very classy.

    So, yeah. Maybe it's better to not have a story? Haha!

    First dates are SO not worth the angst. Proper attire, trying to figure out how much physical contact is OK, the potential kiss at the end of the night...ugh. I only had a couple and I sort of expect to break out in hives any minute just thinking about them. And they were pretty much all with guys I was already friends with but taking things to the next level. Still awkward. Sounds like that's a good point-earner for Phillip, though, if he sometime surprises you with a throwback, first date sort of night ;-)

    I think I went on one first date post college. It was awkward and weird and even more uncomfortable because it was with a co-worker who I decided then and there that there would be no second date.

    And then I met my husband and it was awkward and lovely and I didn't need anymore.

    The end.

    Weird, that's pretty much how we got engaged too.

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