Things I Wish People Thought About Me
Theory: the extremely dark and gourmet chocolate bar I've been snacking on all week is The Anxiety Culprit. Perhaps I am already in the Likely To Be Anxious Place, and a few bites of very dark and very fancy chocolate contain enough caffeine to propel the Likely into Definitely. I am recalling the fact that one of my worst days happened when I ate a ginormous (and OMG DELICIOUS) vegan brownie.
So, this theory potentially makes me into the World's Biggest Moron, but I will embrace the title if I throw out the rest of my five dollar chocolate bar and things improve. (Note: Plain old Hershey's, preferably in nugget form, does not have this effect on me. And fancy chocolate does only occasionally. As if I could give up chocolate FOREVER.)
If nothing else, it's nice to have Something I Could Try. What was it that my favorite Meghan posted on Facebook today? A drop of hope is a powerful drug.
Yesterday on Twitter I posted:
Whenever I meet Very Accomplished People I half dread the moment they ask me what I "do". EVEN THOUGH I LOVE WHAT I DO. I hate that.
The context for this is unbloggable (and boring, trust me). Eventually, when I did end up spilling the SAHM beans, there was a rush to tell me HEY, THAT'S HARD WORK! KUDOS! GOLD STARS! Which, though I do appreciate the sentiment and the effort, you don't have to tell ME that. But I realized that I didn't really need THAT aspect of SAHparenthood validated, what I need validated is that it's... shoot, I don't know. Worthy! Interesting! Not LESSER, somehow! (Note: "need" in this case is debatable. Obvs!)
So my friend Pancakes (who visits this blog every so often hoping to find her name, so HEY THERE, PANCAKES) and I, we were talking once about people we knew from college who became Very Successful. And even though I think Pancakes is also Very Successful, we were both sort of like, "Huh. If only we APPLIED OURSELVES, WE could be filthy rich and/or saving the world TOO." And then Pancakes was all, "Eh, whatever, they're not HAPPIER than me."
Which made me realize! I don't think those people are HAPPIER than me, I think they are more POWERFUL. They "succeeded" where I did not, they have "won", they have pull and influence, they are IMPORTANT!
I... am not important. Happy has nothing to do with it. Even though it is, I will grudgingly admit, a better thing to want.
Anyway, I am never excited to say I'm a SAHM because I think everyone thinks like this. That this is a horribly un-important thing to do. Which is not true. And I certainly don't think it about other SAHMs. (I am too busy thinking, "WILL THEY BE MY NEW BEST FRIEND?!?!")
So here are the things I will cheerfully assume people are thinking when I tell them...
...that I have, ah, "issues" with "anxiety"...
Oh, tormented souls are the most creative! Her inner life must be so rich and fascinating! I would love to get to know her on a deeper level!
...that I'm fairly involved in my Catholic church...
I don't think religion or religious people are weird at ALL!
...that my two oldest children are sixteen months apart...
I'm sure that was exactly how it was supposed to be and I think it's fabulous! Yay babies!
...that I have a blog...
What IS this blogging thing of which she speaks? It certainly sounds like a world I should investigate! Perhaps it would be beneficial to me!
...that I have no idea if I will go back to work when all my kids are in school...
Of course not! She should explore all her options! Perhaps paid work is not her true calling! This is not lazy or unproductive at all!
...that I am a SAHM...
That doesn't mean she does nothing except change diapers and pick macaroni out of the carpet, I bet she also reads incredibly dull books about world waras and obsessively paints her house and writes about her life on the internet! She must have so many interesting things to say! I can't wait to get to know her better!