In which I would like to be a less self-absorbed person than the person who wrote this blog post
Sitting here staring at the computer because I think if I keep my fingers occupied I won't wander into the kitchen and tear into the bag of chocolate chips. Really I'm only prolonging the tearing into a bag of chocolate chips.
I've had to have many conversations with myself lately re: God will not love me more if I lose the last five pounds. There is no prize for losing the last five pounds. The clothes I'm wearing right now will still be the clothes that fit if I lose five pounds. The conversations are only sort of working. So there are some days where I'm really happy with where I am and what I've done and hey I've had three kids and business travel is stressful and so much is going on and SHOOT I only have five pounds left! GO ME! Then there are other days when I am very down on myself, very depressed by my closet, very despairing that I will ever fit into my size 8 jeans again.
Which is WEIRD FOR ME. Because up until now I have never ever EVER "tried to get back into my old jeans". I mean, I was doing that each time I lost the baby weight, but since I've been Somewhat Overweight my entire life, losing weight in itself was a totally new experience. With Molly and Emma, the weight I was immediately postpartum was my highest weight pre-kids. I lost 30 pounds before I had Jack, I've lost [almost] all of it all over again after each kid, and even right now at plus five pounds I am a smaller size than I was in high school.
So this TRYING to get back into my "SKINNY" PANTS is really warping my brain. Especially since I've been trying to lose these last five pounds since JUNE and it's JUST NOT HAPPENING. Like, maybe that was just this singular time in my life, where I had arm muscles and a waist and I should just be lucky I got to find out what it was like to wear a size medium button down shirt without the whole thing busting open. Maybe this is how other women feel about their "wedding weight" or whatever. (My wedding weight was my highest. !) Maybe I don't get to be that way again. Maybe I don't have what it takes to get there. Maybe what it takes to get there is more than I can give right now. More than I WANT to give, more than I SHOULD give.
I have good, normal, positive body image days. Most definitely. The not-good days are just killer, though, and I hate them. I hate thinking that way.
I am slowly stocking up on clothes I like. I don't have an EBJ-style Uniform, but I know what I'm comfortable in and what generally looks decent on me and I no longer buy anything that isn't Way Awesome. (So long, Old Navy! SIGH.) I also totally purged my closet and got rid of tons of stuff I either never wore or didn't fit. I kept a handful of too-tight pants and barely-fitting dresses, but all the other stuff I didn't love, so it didn't need to be in my closet taunting me. Some of it DOES fit, which is nice, but some of it doesn't and I didn't cry any tears as I tossed those things into a Goodwill pile.
I am running when I can. Some days it works out, some days it doesn't. Today EJ woke up so early that I couldn't get away with keeping her up until noon, but then she ended up napping in the car and refusing a morning nap ANYWAY. I could have run in the afternoon, but I was tired and fell asleep on the couch. SUE ME.
My biggest problem is an Eating Peanut Butter Out Of The Jar problem. Also a tendency to cheer myself up with snacks or feel entitled to something sweet when my day is rotten. I've heard that you're not supposed to reward yourself with food, but you know what? I like cake! I do not want to live a life without cake. Sometimes? I'm going to eat cake. SO BE IT.
And the reason why I have not lost the last five pounds begins to dawn on everyone...
Bah. You know, I think I AM fine with myself right now, but I'm afraid that if I decide to be ALWAYS fine, then my weight will creep up again. I don't have a "cushion". If I lost five pounds, then I'd have a five pound cushion for being fine. Does that make sense? The difference between gaining a few pounds and having tight pants and gaining a few pounds and pants no longer fit.
I don't know. I also hate the fact that I keep writing blog posts about losing weight when I want to be ABOVE caring about how I look and caring about what others see. GAWD WHY CAN'T I BE A BETTER PERSON WITH MORE NOBLE GOALS!!!